To think that men having standards is now weird

But it's YOUR VIEW of what would make them "better people". Who are you to judge? Is your life such an exemplar of emotional health that you are in a good place to offer such opinions - unsolicited opinions, at that - to someone you don't even know that well?

They are under no obligation to agree with you nor does it even mean your opinion is correct in the first place. To look at someone else and decide not only that they should live their life differently to how they're living it, but they they should be grateful for your input is hugely arrogant.

Have you ever read "Codependent No More"? I suggest you do. You might find it helpful.

I think you’re weird and don’t have enough standards tbh. I wouldn’t go on a date with any men with those faults.

I'm sorry OP but the men who are ending it are behaving more healthily than you are. Because no, really liking someone isn't enough to progress to a serious relationship with someone if there are issues you're uncomfortable with.
I'm sorry again, but as someone who was in a serious relationship with an adict who died, I'd be amazed if you're not carrying baggage into your new relationships. Because that's a really big deal and leaves scars. In your case one of them may be an idea that men are all flawed and its your job to love them despite that.
I think you'd do better to decide your deal breakers in advance and stick with them regardless of a man's good points.

Doesn’t change what I said.

It's sounds like you are purposely going for these red flag types, that would send others running, in the hopes that they will be greatful and stick around forever as you feel they are beneath you, which they more than likely are if they have these faults. But it dont work like that. Shits serial cheats and liers don't change for anybody. They can bag the most amazing desirable woman in the world, their chaotic behaviour and thrill from doing the wrong thing won't be fixed by anybody.

For the best chance of a successful relationship, run soon as you see the red flags. Even if you like them, and they have been nice until that point. You are then off to a head start from the types you are currently looking for.

Also you probably need a lot of time alone 1st to become the healthiest version of you. It does sound like you have a lot of baggage, even though you denied it. Emotional damage you have not quite worked through is baggage. You said that the latest guy mentioned you are not mentally ill because .... why did this conversation come up in such early stages? Did you tell him you are mentally unwell?

In future I would avoid dumping emotional drama on someone so fresh in a relationship. A nice guy in an emotionally sound frame of mind with a secure life will run, as they want someone who is in a better place too for a healthy relationship with no drama (so get to a better place before dating so you can be this person and respect your self too). A guy with negative tendencies will either use your past hurt and emotional baggage to excuse their own shit things they offload on you, or use it to their advantage as they see you as weak easy pickings. Sorry, but it is true. No one, and I mean noone cares about a stranger enough to take you emotional damage stories and feel sorry for you or a deep routed need to care for you. There is no benefit to sharing this with someone you hardly know. Wait until you are in a long term place of security before sharing the past pain

Ok so men don’t generally like being ‘bombarded’ with essay length messages unless they are an academic in the humanities. A little tongue in cheek but I am one and my male colleagues and I often exchange essay length emails. Fairly standard, we’re used to writing lots and don’t mind.

The general male populous though, do not want essays so don’t do that. You’re going wrong because you’re too full on with men who aren’t that into you, sorry to say. If you’re a bit full on with a guy who gets you from the start it’s fine but if they’re on the fence and you’re throwing everything you have his way, of course he’ll run.

Those things aren’t as important as personality and comparability though are they. Maybe that’s part of the problem, you think you’re more attractive than them and therefore they should change themselves to be with you.

Your previous relationships all sound like unwell, unavailable men and I’m so sorry for your loss. Turn your love towards yourself & you’ll attract the right sort. A good therapist can help you with that, & picking a therapist is a great place to start practicing self care. I would begin with the BACP directory and see if any therapist profiles feel like a good fit. Write to 3. Turn your energy and attention back to yourself

The first mistake is using dating sites that's where all the useless men hang out. Can't you meet normal men at work, through hobbies or wherever a dating site would be the last resort.

You cannot change anyone.

Only yourself.

Ask yourself why you are chasing emoly unavailable men. I'd look up attachment types and read mr unavailable and the fall back girl.

OP, you are picking men with in your own words massive faults, and then being surprised that they have massive faults; they aren't going to change, you need to stop picking them! and attaching to bad men who can't give you the reassurance and stability you want.

I agree your thinking is way off though about yourself and I think my advice on seeking a therapist still stands.

What do you mean by narcissist? That's just a buzzword now. Everyone is a narcissist these days. True narcissistic personality disorder is extremely rare. You can't just stick a label on somebody.

Also what you mean by deadbeat? If somebody isn't currently working or they've fallen on hard times does that mean there shouldn't have any standards and that they should accept a partner who's previously cheated, or will cheat on them?

If people don't meet your standards, does that mean they should have no standards of their own?

Kindly, you should not be dating right now.

Focus on loving yourself, even LIKING yourself cos you wouldn't let yourself be treated like this if you genuinely cared about yourself.

What sort of platonic friends to you attract? Are most of your friends awful to you too?

And no, healthy people don't get overly attached to people who are walking red flags.

I have emotional baggage.I had a difficult childhood.I've had difficult relationships.

My best to move past it.Get a good career gets stability for myself.

Does that mean because I have some red flags and difficulties?I should accept anything in a relationship?

Yes but just because a person isn't perfect, it doesn't mean that they have to accept a partner who has traits that they see as toxic.

It is true that they might be oblivious to the fact that their own traits are objectively worse than the person that they are rejecting, but it doesn't mean they have to ignore what they see and know to be problematic.

And generally speaking, people don't have to just give you a chance because you're not the worst person on Earth.

I have a lot of male friends and I've always noticed that a lot of them really believe that once they commit to someone, they aren't allowed to say no or have needs or desires of their own. That is why they're so bloody scared of committing.

I have noticed as we have got older that some men (and the younger generation) are becoming more aware of their autonomy. This manifests by them realising that they have both the right and the power to ensure that they actually pair with someone they like and will continue to like and want to be with over the long term. They do become more picky. They do say no. They will let someone gorgeous go if they aren't right for them.

So basically, you serially date men with massive issues like addiction, narcissism, infidelity etc because you’re hooked on the drama.

Then when there is no drama you create some, and get pissed off when they dump you because - unlike you - they don’t thrive on this angst-ridden, melodramatic shite.

OP, anyone with any sense would run a mile from your behaviour.

You have an exceptionally unhealthy approach to dating.

You need to raise your standards. Accepting shit behaviour because you "really really like" someone is the shit most of us grew out of in high school. Having standards, expectations and boundaries are good things. Letting shit men walk all over you does not make you a loving, good partner. It makes you a weak doormat. You need to work on that.