If your husband lied to you, could you trust him again?

How did that unfold for you? Did things get any better? Did you forgive your husband lying?

So let's clarify a few things that got glossed over here, which always seems to be the pace when a husband is accused of setting up a flat with his mistress with all of the supporters here in the thread. First of all, catandgloves · Yesterday 11:19 They’ve been working together for the last 6 years that’s a lot of effort to be keeping a fake man alive. is the one who came up with the 6 years this "office romance / partnership" has been going on, but when I went through everything in all of the postings, OP never gave it a timeline (read next time). Secondly, per OP, when I asked why the lie he still lied and said he had never seen that woman before saying she only worked in the office but I know this woman is his partner because I’ve seen them out working. So the question begs actually how long and in what capacity did this young woman actually arrive, since it obviously hasn't been since she wasn't likely a teenager starting there. That begs the third point, per OP's statement, we are late 30s she looks mid 20s. Well mind you I'm early 60's but been told I'm late 40's, possibly early 50's by my looks. So unless someone is honest when asked their age, no one knows exactly how old someone is. Finally, per OP, I haven’t been jealous, I’ve never thought I had anything to be jealous of, his last colleague was of retirement age and I met her, some of his other colleagues are just names but he includes them all. So what if he misnamed this person for whatever his reasoning was to hold peace, in his mind, which it obviously backfired for having checked up on him. As for all of the people here suggesting that he's obviously being stepping out on you OP, then it's obvious that you either believe their misandry towards men, which seems to always be a running theme here in some of these threads, it's your choice to either spend your energy planning a divorce on hearsay and Mumsnet, or simply ask if you've ever lied to him about anything in your life and he found out the truth would he hold it against you and consider it infidelity without discussing his feelings or communicating about the situation. Either way, I admire so many people are able to afford glass houses because mine is made of brick since I know better. Best of luck to you both.

He’s obviously up to no good.

If my husband lied to me that the food I made him while sleep deprived and delirious tasted really good and not at all like a microwaved sock, I could probably let that slide.

If my husband repeatedly lied to me about the woman he's obviously filling his spare sock to, doubled down on his lies when confronted and only admitted to lying when his lies became too ridiculous... that I'd have a harder time letting go.

It would depend on a whole number of factors. The magnitude of the lie. The extent to which it was a one off or a pattern. Whether there was a good reason for it.

I’d lose respect. Incidentally I had a two year relationship with a man who would lie about where he’d been and who with, then tell me it was essentially my fault he had to lie because he knew how I’d react.

mad about the lie? See, this is WHY I LIED even though you are only mad about the lie and not the thing I lied about…dumb as an ox

I completely get what you’re saying OP ..
It’s like you had him pegged for this completely different person , like you say the way he has lied so convincingly for 6 years..
That is a fair shock / land to get ..
Now you have feelings of , do u know this man at all .. That’s a shit feeling …

For what it’s worth, doubt there is anything shady going on , they’re working together 6 years , that’s a long time , in that length of time there would surely have been tell tale signs of an affair ..

I don't think I usually jump to conclusions but his reason, at the end of your opening post OP, is absolute bollocks. (Edit- up until that point, I thought there was every chance it was a stupid thing to do in an effort to avoid you feeling jealous or something, not necessarily that you had reason to do so)

SIX YEARS working with someone he hates, and he never once needed to let of steam and have a rant about it? No chance. Even if he didn't want to use her name (🙄), you'd know she existed.

I’d put money on an affair (although I may be clouded by experience). The whole fake name, younger woman, “hates her” - it’s all pretty standard cliche affair talk.

I do t think it’s the lie itself that’s the issue tbh. That’s one thing

the real issue is he clearly thinks you’re so dense you’ll swallow any old fucking shit. Unless you have a long history of OTT jealousy and paranoia, he’s taking you for a fool and right now, you’re letting him

life is too short to put up with men like this. Stay with him and regret it

Have you been jealous about any of the woman he has been paired with before?

lying is never okay, but he might have potentially not told you the truth because you have maybe kicked off in the past.

If that’s not the case, then I would be worried

No, it just doesn't make sense for him to lie.

@catandgloves "His reasoning for the lie is that he hates this woman because she’s a brown nose goody two shoes and he just couldn’t bring himself to say her name. So went with John."

Yeah right. That's probably the worst bullshit I've heard for a long time. OP, he wants to shag her or he already is. Can't bring himself to mention her name so he called her John! He must think you're daft.

No I'd not. My mum when still with my former stepdad had a friend called "Samantha" who she went on regular nights out/stopped out til next day with, turned out it was actually "Samuel" and they weren't just friends either. I'd never trust someone that pretended they was speaking to an "old man" when really they was speaking to a woman.

Or maybe OP dh didn’t put that much thought into it. Perhaps he thought it was cleverer to make up a whole new person 😂

If he's been partnered with a female colleague for 6 years and hasn't bothered to learn her name, I'm not sure that makes him the kind of man you want to be married to either!

And is he prone to grudges that make him hate someone enough that he can't bare to say their name?

Has he been creating a whole fictional character out of “John”? Like my DH and I talk about people we work with all the time and what they are up to etc. Has he been telling you stuff about “John” and his life on a regular basis? I mean 6 years!!!! I’m not sure I could get over that. His reason for the lie is complete bs - if he hated her that much surely he would want to vent about having to work with her and how much she was annoying him every day.

I hate being lied to but I have had to accept that everyone tell little lies of convenience from time to time, otherwise I'd have no friends or family on speaking terms, but that's a whopper and I'd wonder why on earth he felt he "needed" to lie.

Maybe you behave form for extreme jealousy? I suppose that would maybe explain it, but I still think a lie like that breaks a relationship.

My dh lied in a very similar way. Let’s just say he no longer works there.

Is he a copper by any chance?

So they’ve worked together since she was a teenager and he’s claiming not to know her name.

It’s not looking good bruv.

You didn’t answer the question about whether he works in the emergency services? I’m guessing he does and one particular service has form for many affairs with work partners. There are a handful of people I know who have remained faithful but the overwhelming number have had their marriages end due to affairs. This is relevant if he denied being paired up with her and much of her existence. There has to be a reason sadly.

He couldn’t bring himself to speak her name because he hates her? Yeah right! Oh and what a surprise that she’s in her 20’s!
He’s spinning you a yarn @catandgloves
Are they paramedics or similar?

He's been lying to you effortlessly for six years?? Not sure what the dilemma is here tbh.

Aren't you delightful