To leave my job and be a SAHM?

Yes leave if it’s affecting your health. I gave up work to be a sahm as knew in advance it would be detrimental to my mental and physical health to do both. Sometimes you have to know and work within your limits to have a quality of life

I am surprised no one has asked did you not think things through before deciding to have three kids?

The problem is the 10 hour night shifts, not anything else. Work normal length days, with an early start if possible - your health will be be a hundred times better, you’ll have energy to spend with the children and be able to keep on top of things house-wise. Yeah a lot of your salary will go in childcare, but you’ll have something left over, and your youngest should qualify for some free hours. I’ll bet the cost isn’t as much as you think.

Could you look into joing the NHS as a HCA? Outpatient roles are more child friendly. You also get higher pay for nights/weekends. You could also join the bank (agency) and do twilight 8 hour shifts theres even shifts that are 10am till 2pm at the minute.

Is your youngest not in nursery so you can sleep? What about dropping to 1 night a week until you find another job OP. Nights is no good I've done it and it's not easy at all. Looking back I don't know how I did it. Hang on in there OP.

Won’t you get the 30 hours funded childcare that came into effect in September?
There are jobs out there that can fit around children. I’m a single mum of 3 and 8 months pregnant and still working.

I think the better solution would be to find a job where you can work in the daytime. Is it caring work that you do?

Are you using your free nursery hours for your 19 month old?

I think that your health is the most important thing of all. You really need to look after yourself mentally and physically first and everything else needs to fit into place.

I wouldn’t stop earning your own money as it looks like your husband doesn’t think finances are shared. It’s not ‘his’ money where he gets to decide which bits he’s willing to pay for. It’s family money and the current set up of no childcare in place is impacting you (and then, in turn, impacting the whole family). You also need to think about your savings and pension. You don’t want to be a SAHP without some of the family money going into your pension and savings.

I think you need a different job, its the hours you are doing that are the killer.

As usual, the issue here is your husband. I wouldn’t put myself in a situation where you have no income - you are already vulnerable and married to a man who doesn’t seem to give a shit.

YI need an alternative job as neither sounds good for you. Financially struggling with multiple kids will not be fun for any of you.

I would quit work for now, get all the free nursery hours you're entitled to (system has changed so I've no idea what you get) and get your health sorted. It doesn't have to be forever but it sounds like you're heading for burnout with a husband who doesn't value your well-being.

I did what you are currently doing as a staff nurse when my now adult DC were small. I did two nights a week and just skipped the night sleep for two years. It wrecked me. I was in an awful place mentally and could not see the wood for the trees. I would not wish it on my own worst enemy and would never, ever do it again. My health has taken years to recover.

Whatever option means you stop this work pattern, take that. If you need work to pay for food, you find a different job. If you need to go off sick, then do that. Honestly, I thought it was the best option for my family. It wasn't, it was madness.

I couldn't stick night shifts and it really sounds like you need a break and your husband is supportive, so yep, stop.

Take a few months and then look for something PT - it doesn't sound like you love being full time at home either, so look for a career change.

And by the way, you are not lame! The thought of doing two night shifts back to back and looking after a toddler in between makes me shudder! I would hate that

Could you not move to dayshift and do more days? I don’t know what the job is, but I’m thinking maybe NHS or similar. I have a friend who is an HCA and because she’s got to know the senior nurses in her hospital she now does hours to suit when the kids are at school and just puts them in wrap around one or two days a week. I appreciate that eats into the money you earn but in her case that’s allowing her to proceed along the route to become a nurse which will obviously be more lucrative.

If you can manage the following financially, in your position I would quit the job; get some rest; start looking for more appropriate work. It's not the same as quitting to become a SAHM. Quit to recover and then find more suitable work. I have quit a few jobs over the years and never with anything to go to because I am usually maxed out at the time I decide it's time to quit. There is something on the other side. Good luck OP.

If you can afford it and your Husband fully supports it then what's the issue? I would say though he seems guarded with his money - is all money treated as family money and would you have full access to it?

Have you checked if you can get any help towards childcare costs (funded hours etc)? Agree it should be a shared cost though.

I think you absolutely need a day or two of childcare so you can get a decent block of sleep before or after a night shift; you can't function on an hour or so nap on a regular basis. No wonder you feel run down.

I would look for a different job. It’s madness to do two 12 hour night shifts just to avoid using childcare. It’s not the amount you’re working that’s the problem, it’s the fact it’s night time, you’re then trying to manage on next to no sleep, no wonder your health is affected. And as an aside, if you’re working night shifts you should be on a higher rate than minimum wage anyway!

you say that when you were a SAHM with your first dc you found it depressing ‘but at least the house was clean.’ That’s really sad, to feel conditioned by society that you ought to be at home even though it wasn’t doing you good. You also say ‘at least I could take my dc to groups’ - but the brilliant thing about nursery is that the child gets all these stimulating experiences … they’re with other children, they’ll do all sorts of activities which complement what you do at home anyway.

honestly I think it’s crazy to continue what you’re doing. I get that you want to make a financial contribution and have another aspect to your life alongside being mum, but there are far better ways to do it than this.

if You’re working day time hours and getting enough sleep you’ll feel more in control of keeping on top of the house anyway.

You need a different job. Working nights is clearly not suited to you. Get a daytime job where you have a more regular and normal routine. You say there's no point because the money would just get sucked into child care but that's not true. There are huge benefits to you working even if every single penny goes on childcare. Your child gets socialised most importantly. But for you - you said you got depressed not working. That's pretty common as you have no sense of independence, no societal contribution, no pension contribution and no intelligent conversation.

Sit down with your husband and make a plan. Help him to understand then start applying. Don't keep procrastinating, you'll spiral downwards. Take control and sort it out. I hope things get better for you.

I’m 6 months in to your situation and honestly I regret it so much. I wish I’d stayed as a SAHM. We are better as like you I cooked from scratch. We had less money but I didn’t spend much and to be honest the extra wage I bring in has just been spent on god knows what. I feel terrible that I didn’t get to enjoy the summer before my youngest started school. Like you we have zero familial support and childcare is so expensive. Am sad that I’ll miss Xmas events at school cos of work too.
leave the job, enjoy your family time and time to yourself. And give your husband an extra hug as he sounds supportive (unlike mine).

Minimum wage for night shifts is ridiculous;could you not find alternative evening work?