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AIBU?

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Original poster

To leave my job and be a SAHM?

84 replies

Thoseslippers · 09/11/2025 23:59

We would struggle financially but having discussed it with my DH he would support it. He already pays most of the bills anyway as he is the higher earner.
I have 3 children primary aged and pre school. The youngest is 19 months.
I'm finding things really really hard.
I love my job but its hard stressful work. I work 12 hour permanent night shifts. I only do two a week but it takes me out for several days. I've been having a variety of health issues that I think are exacerbated by the nightshift work. My sleep is also appalling. I've lost a lot of weight recently, unintentional.
The issue is I took this job because there's not much else I can do that fits in with childcare responsibilities. My husband does the school drop offs every morning but I collect them.
I honestly do not know how other families cope?
I guess they pay for wrap around childcare but this cost would render it pointless me working as I only earn minimum wage. My husband understandably won't contribute to childcare costs as he already pays for most things. My income is used for the kids and for food and any extra stuff we do.
I was a stay at home mum for a few years after I had my first and I found it depressing but at least the house was clean and my son got a lot of attention.. he was taken out to groups etc
I feel very guilty for my youngest as I am too exhausted to give her the same level of attention. And the house honestly looks horrific.. if we got burgled and they trashed the place I probably would not notice. I also struggle with cooking as we share the cooking now and to be frank my husbands cooking is pretty dire. I'm grateful he does it but it doesn't have the same nutritional value that I would ideally like for my kids. It's usually hot dogs, chicken nuggets etc I kind of just pretend it isn't happening because I don't want to criticise him as I don't want to cook either!
But in comparison to when my son was a baby and I used to hand make the baby food.. I used to make sure my middle daughter was getting her 5 a day every day etc..
That's all out the window..
And my own health is deteriorating. My digestion is ruined, I'm in pain and exhausted all the time...
But I genuinely love my job and feel I'm good at it. It gives me self esteem. I'm engaged by it. They are putting me through an NVQ. Everyone there is lovely.
And the money!
When I was a SAHM with my son I had nothing and it was extremely depressing. I couldn't really go anywhere or do anything other than go to toddler groups or the park for a walk.
I know if I leave my job all basic needs would be covered but that would be the end of any holidays or days out that weren't free.
Oh to add we have no family help whatsoever so no childcare options there.
What would you do?

OP posts:
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Swissmeringue · 01/02/2026 20:29

I'm a SAHM so I'm not against it in general but these do not sound like ideal circumstances. To be honest it sounds like you need a different job rather than to just quit entirely as it would affect your lifestyle so much and you didn't enjoy it last time. If you're on minimum wage surely you could find something with more sociable hours for the same pay?

ProudMamaBear92 · 01/02/2026 20:24

If you’re in the uk you can qualify for funded childcare if you do 16 hours a week at minimum wage. This is 9-3 4 days a week covered and a half day. When your youngest is two you can put them in a preschool where it’s cheaper than the nurseries who overcharge for everything. Use this time to sleep, tidy and find a better job that fits in around school hours.

LavenderBlue19 · 12/11/2025 08:47

Thoseslippers · 12/11/2025 00:27

Yes I don't have access to his money and when I was a SAHM he would just transfer me some when he got paid.
Like I said he pays all the bills and he doesn't earn a massive amount. I don't think he's spending any money on himself or anything. It has been an argument but I always drop it as I know paying all the bills is a big stress. But I have said I won't be paying bills unless we have a joint account and I can see clearly what's going on.
That's not because I think he's doing anything nefarious it's just I don't think he should have it both ways.

Show quote history

In your position I would ABSOLUTELY NOT become a SAHM. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position. He is already financially abusing you - that is not going to improve when you have no job and even less agency.

He might say you can have full access to the joint account now to get you to stop work, but as he hasn't let you have it in the past, he will very likely prevent your access once you've left work.

Get him to agree childcare comes from the joint account. Get access to the joint account - you currently have no idea how much money you have as a family, which is insane. Try to find a new job that doesn't involve night shifts. Sign up for wraparound care if necessary. Good luck.

Dreamerinme · 12/11/2025 06:39

Have you looked into what free childcare hours you would be entitled to?

Ultimately night work does not suit you so you need to find a new role. Could you in the meantime reduce to 1 shift per week? This would hopefully help keep some money for yourself, you have current work experience which is helpful when looking for a new job, but also help with your health issues and sleep.

If you do decide to become a SAHM it should be on the condition that your DH pays contributions into a private pension for you - this is what my DH did for me when I was a SAHM.

But absolutely look into your childcare options if you haven’t done so already.

BoyOhBoyFTM · 12/11/2025 02:15
  1. You are being financially abused.
  2. You need to find different work. Night shifts are a killer.
weirdthread · 12/11/2025 00:38

If your DD has ADHD it came from somewhere. Do you think you could have ADHD too (state of the house?).

Regardless, I do not have ADHD and night shift would probably be the end of me. I think I'd quit and look for another job with more civil hours. It sounds like you can carry the 'between jobs' period financially for a bit.

Mydadsbirthday · 12/11/2025 00:33

"My husband understandably won't contribute to childcare costs as he already pays for most things."

Are they not his children too?
Childcare is a family expense!

Original poster
Thoseslippers · 12/11/2025 00:33

And as for not thinking it through before having 3 kids.. my 3rd was a contraception failure. I did understand it would be hard to keep her. And it IS hard.
My husband has had a vasectomy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thoseslippers · 12/11/2025 00:30

Hankunamatata · 10/11/2025 10:07

Do the kids do chores? Mine were running hoover around, emptying bins etc at primary age. We have a chore chart

What is found helped is we would all as a family do a 20min tidy before or after dinner

My eldest is very helpful i don't know what I'd do without him. My middle is a sweetheart but she has just been diagnosed with ADHD and although she tries to help it's not really any help in reality as she needs constant supervision to complete tasks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thoseslippers · 12/11/2025 00:27

LavenderBlue19 · 10/11/2025 11:22

Childcare costs come from the joint pot. Your job sounds very hard, but that's partly because you're being expected to do a nightshift and then look after small children - no-one could do that.

You need a better job and to tell your husband that from now on, childcare is a joint expense because it's an investment in your future.

If you were a SAHM, would you have access to 'his' money? It sounds like you wouldn't, and perhaps he'd give you housekeeping? I would run far away from any arrangement that doesn't involve full access to all finances.

Yes I don't have access to his money and when I was a SAHM he would just transfer me some when he got paid.
Like I said he pays all the bills and he doesn't earn a massive amount. I don't think he's spending any money on himself or anything. It has been an argument but I always drop it as I know paying all the bills is a big stress. But I have said I won't be paying bills unless we have a joint account and I can see clearly what's going on.
That's not because I think he's doing anything nefarious it's just I don't think he should have it both ways.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thoseslippers · 12/11/2025 00:22

MMUmum · 10/11/2025 18:58

I initially worked either 8am-12midday or 4pm - 8pm depending on my hysbands shifts, we were like ships in the night and I was permanently tired. However, I was then offered every Friday and Saturday as night shifts and it all fell into place. I hated doing it but it meant I got to sleep after my shifts because Dh had my Dd, and I was free all week with her for groups and house work. See if your company could offer this to you, good luck

Unfortunately I've already had this discussion with them and the compromise reached after I had the baby, was the shift pattern I do now. My current shift pattern i work rolling shifts across Thursday, Friday Saturday and Sunday.
I used to work Rolling shifts across the whole week before I had the baby.
So it is an improvement as when I work Friday or sat nights my dh is off on day after so I can sleep.
It's still taking its toll on me though.
Unfortunately this was the best they could do with the rota for me as we are a very small team.. there's only 3 of us night staff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thoseslippers · 12/11/2025 00:17

Whaleandsnail6 · 10/11/2025 10:04

I spend 10 years doing 3 12 hour night shifts. I used childcare for the day in-between the shifts...I can't fathom how you are trying to care for a 19 month old in the middle of shifts. Its not so bad on the first shift or the last day as you can tell yourself you will have an early night once dh is back, but that middle day with barely any sleep and then going back to work?

Could you switch to weekend days? That way you still don't need childcare but are managing to reset your sleeping pattern back to night sleeping?

It was only once my kids were older and I switched to days that I realised how exhausted nights made me

I do do some weekend nights so I do get the day to sleep if I'm doing a Friday or Saturday night. It's a rolling rota so I do one of those nights each week and one other.

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 10/11/2025 19:05

Please don't forget about YOUR PENSION.

You are working, paying NI and so contributing to my your state pension entitlement and hopefully also into a private pension scheme (or an NHS pension scheme since it sounds like you might be in healthcare?)

Please don't just forget about the importance of being able to survive in old age.
At the very least, if you are SAHM, your husband needs to agree to make pension contributions on your behalf.

MMUmum · 10/11/2025 18:58

I initially worked either 8am-12midday or 4pm - 8pm depending on my hysbands shifts, we were like ships in the night and I was permanently tired. However, I was then offered every Friday and Saturday as night shifts and it all fell into place. I hated doing it but it meant I got to sleep after my shifts because Dh had my Dd, and I was free all week with her for groups and house work. See if your company could offer this to you, good luck

Bitzee · 10/11/2025 13:04

Other families manage probably because they both work day shifts, the kids go to nursery/school and they see childcare as a shared expense.
I don’t think (m)any people would cope with back to back night shifts with no proper sleep in between because they’re looking after a toddler. That’s completely insane.
But no you really don’t want to become a SAHM with a man that sounds like he’s quite controlling with money and also you just can’t afford it if your wage is paying for food.
I think you need nursery for your youngest- look up what funded hours you’d get, you may be pleasantly surprised. So that way you can keep your current job at least until you get the qualification but sleep in between shifts or alternatively look for a daytime role. And you really need to have a frank discussion with DH about family money and working out a fair way of doing things.

ApathyCentral · 10/11/2025 12:52

I'd quit and be a SAHM. Night shifts wreck your health, and then you're trying to manage a household and three kids on top.

TidyCyan · 10/11/2025 12:47

We managed because I worked 3 short days a week (9 to 3) and the nursery bill came out of a joint account. But - this only made sense with one and I was above min wage with commission. If you have 2 nursery bills on min wage then you really do have to decide if you can grit your teeth and think of the pension contributions/employability benefits for the future while not adding much to the overall family pot.

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 10/11/2025 12:34

YANBU - however, I would first take unpaid parental leave (as much as they'll let you take plus annual leave) and see how the SAHM lifestyle goes for a bit. A reset and a trial. Good luck whatever you decide.

Didimum · 10/11/2025 12:06

It's extremely off that your husband views every expense towards the kids as your area. You should not have his areas and your areas, they are ALL jointly BOTH your areas.

While yes, it's gutting when one income appears to be sucked up by childcare (though it's not really, it should be viewed as joint), it's not ever just paying for childcare – it's your pension and continuing your career development too.

School drop offs are pretty easy while working full time. And of course your husband has lumbered you with the pick ups, which are the difficult part to work out.

As others have said, you have a husband problem. And if he's not willing to sit down and work it out with you, then you have even more of a husband problem – in which case I definitely wouldn't give up work.

LavenderBlue19 · 10/11/2025 11:22

Childcare costs come from the joint pot. Your job sounds very hard, but that's partly because you're being expected to do a nightshift and then look after small children - no-one could do that.

You need a better job and to tell your husband that from now on, childcare is a joint expense because it's an investment in your future.

If you were a SAHM, would you have access to 'his' money? It sounds like you wouldn't, and perhaps he'd give you housekeeping? I would run far away from any arrangement that doesn't involve full access to all finances.

Naunet · 10/11/2025 11:17

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 10/11/2025 11:16

Maybe because she is getting no sleep? I bet OP also does most of the housework and childcare too.

Edited
Show quote history

Well exactly, that's my point.

NotEnoughKnittingTime · 10/11/2025 11:16

Naunet · 10/11/2025 11:13

So why can your husband cope with working full time and being a parent, but you can't cope with even working part time? Seems to imply to me that your husband isn't pulling his weight. You also need to look at changing your job, stop working nights.

Maybe because she is getting no sleep? I bet OP also does most of the housework and childcare too.

Naunet · 10/11/2025 11:13

So why can your husband cope with working full time and being a parent, but you can't cope with even working part time? Seems to imply to me that your husband isn't pulling his weight. You also need to look at changing your job, stop working nights.

sashh · 10/11/2025 10:41

You have a husband problem. Child care should come out of the family money pot. It is an investment so when they are school age you are no longer on NMW.

Prioritise your health but you need to keep financially secure. You need a pension if you have not got one already, DH can pay in to it.

Get some financial advice, I seem to recall your DH can give you a certain amount without paying tax, but you need expert advice.

YorkshireGoldDrinker · 10/11/2025 10:34

YANBU at all. If you can afford it, then go for it 100% all in. Unfortunately the economy is geared towards two incomes with obvious hatred for parents (that's at least how I see it). All the best of luck to you.

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