My Father was convicted of sexual assault on 17 year old, should I let him see my kids + MORE

I did not know as I was only young and my parents lied to my older siblings.

I have no contact with my parents now, some of the reason was the response I received once I did tell them.

The Op may not want to do this
but given the OP was unsure whether she was being unreasonable about a parental choice she and her partner had made regarding her imprisoned father due to a sexual crime…. I would hope it may strengthen her resolve

Maybe OP doesn't want to do this.
Sending you strength OP. My heart goes out to you OP with the roller coaster of emotions you are dealing with.
Small steps re decisions for the future

If it was sexual assault rather than consent from a seventeen year old then I would not allow contact. It would not matter to me how old the victim was in a way re contact with children as sexual assault is awful at any age tbh.

@Lordvampire3 OP, when I was a teenager my relative actually brought his offender friend into our home. I was 13 when he 'interfered with' other children 'when he was drunk'.

I liked the guy. He was short for a man and baby-faced. He was only 18 when he first offended - possibly the reason that my relative thought that it was only a mistake.

He died in prison 3 years ago at the age of 67, having committed many other crimes in the intervening years.

I remember when I was a kid, he'd make a beeline for me and be friendly...I thought that he was about my age. Fortunately, I was never on my own with him. I wonder whether my cousins were as fortunate. His neighbour's children and girlfriend's children certainly were not.

One of them became pregnant at the age of 16.

ETA I'm just trying to reiterate - predators are sly and will look for opportunities.

No, please keep your children safe.

I wouldn’t allow my DC around anyone I knew was capable of sexually assaulting anyone.

Another way to look at is if he applied to work with children or indeed in a job where he was in contact with vulnerable adults he would of course have to have an enhanced DBS check and with this offence on his record there is no way in hell he would get such a job.So there is no way in hell he should be near your children He will also be on the sex offenders' register for life given that he has had a custodial sentence.

It's really not the same as the slur on gay men. This is an offender who has shown predilection for sexual assault. As I've said in previous posts, there are some predators who merely attack when they find someone vulnerable.

As part of my job, I encountered two predators - some years apart. They were imprisoned for multiple offences against both adults and children. The common factor was opportunity.

Agreed.

These predators gain the trust of children and then attack when they have the opportunity.

@Lordvampire3 the details of the case may have been printed in your local newspaper.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would not allow him to see or have a relationship with your children.

I doubt he poses a risk to them sexually right now - the woman he assaulted was biologically an adult and there is no reason to assume he is a paedophile. But clearly his moral compass is way off so who knows what risks contact with him may pose to them in future.

Also - he's carried out a planned, presumably violent sexual assault. It's a terrible thing and one day your children will be able to understand that the way you do now. I think it would cause your children emotional damage in the long run to have any kind of fond relationship with him in this context. It's better that they understand he is dangerous and bad (in child appropriate terms) from the start, and have no attachment to him. Better that he doesn't taint any of their precious childhood memories by association.

Once again, I'm so sorry you are in this position.

I think you are doing the right thing not letting him see your kids I know you are concerned about him hurting himself but i would be more worried in case he forms a relationship with your children and ever harms them in the future the fact he was convicted says a lot and that it was such a young girl he harmed I can't understand why your brother can't appreciate this x

The mind doesn’t ‘boggle’. OP’s reactions are perfectly normal.

When you discover that a close relative is a sex offender, it is a long process to come to terms with it. If OP hasn’t ascertained details of the offence it’s because she’s not mentally ready to do that - yet. Her brain is protecting her. But over time, I’m sure she’ll move in that direction.

People don’t understand because to them, it’s obvious. You don’t expose your children to sex offenders. Period.

But when it’s somebody close, on one hand you know what they are. They’re an evil twisted brute who committed a terrible act (or acts). But on the other hand they are your beloved Dad/brother/grandfather/son who you have happy memories of, they’re kind and loving. Letting go is difficult. Trying to square those two opposites is an enormous mental and emotional challenge and it takes time.

OP, my heart goes out to you. You really need some counselling to reconcile all this and let go of this guilt. You know that keeping your children safe is your priority, but you need to come to terms with who your father is, and know that none of what has happened, or may happen in the future, is your fault. 💐

You need your head checked. What are you thinking exposing a child sex offender to your own kids. If I was your dh I would report you if you did that!!

Unfortunately it sounds like your brother is taking after his father - another man who takes it as read that the rights of other people (certainly young / female people) should automatically be treated as a great deal less important than what he wants. Stop this pattern now, I say.

The backstory shouldn’t matter.

It‘s so hard to charge an offender with rape. Even harder getting it to trial, securing a conviction and sentencing to prison. 17 years old is still a child.

There’s no way in hell I would have a sexual predator around my children.

This is very dangerous.

First he gets to know the kids and form a relationship, then he’s messaging them or contacting them without the knowledge of the parents, kids think he’s ok so see no harm, then he encourages them to sneak off and meet him.

It gives him the opportunity to groom the kids. It’s dangerous.

if your brother is daft enough to want to let his kids see him then let him get on with it.
stick to your guns the kids look to you for protection no matter what age. not being funny but you do not know the facts of this case or if there is any more to this

Has your db got dd's?

I’m not suggesting that the OP allow her father to see her children, but this really isn’t true. There is a vast difference between 11 and 17, and just because someone assaults an older teen, doesn’t mean they have an interest in pubescent children. I don’t know why people always conflate the two things, it’s still a heinous crime without having to suggest that it’s also paedophilia (it’s not).

There is not a chance in hell I would let a convicted sex offender spend time with my children. Not a chance. You are definitely not being unreasonable, OP.

Interesting your male sibling is sticking up for his sex offender father. This is how men get away with this behaviour. Families accepting it. They should be shunned.

I honestly would have ended my relationship with my dad the second he was convicted of sexual assault. I genuinely wouldn't ever want to see or speak to him again, never mind let my kids near him.
If he commits suicide, and that is highly unlikely as suicide threats are a very common manipulation tactic used by abusive men, then that is entirely on him. At least he wouldn't be able to sexually assault anyone else.

Keep your kids away from this convicted sex offender.

Nope. People like this have a way of engineering things to be alone (and it sounds like this is how the sexual assault happened) so supervised contact is not going to work. Start with an absolute no right from the start, it will be easier in the long run. Given your brother's response I would also keep your kids away from him too.