To be upset that friends all love ‘new girl’ when I don’t

Working with people like this now who love the sound of their own voices, self absorbed, loud, over bearing and do as little work as possible. One of them has been slagging me off & threw me under the bus after training them up. 😟 Thought we could be friends but not now.

I think you do unfortunately. Group dynamics always change snd move on. People come and go! It’s a shame but feck it op! Let them swan up Sue’s backside if that’s what they want.

Quietly keep your counsel. Move on and focus on developing other friendships. Invite one or two people from the group to hang out with you one on one as previously suggested,

You usually find that behind the scenes people start to get a bit fed up of a queen bee and then they will seek you out.

I think because you helped her, you saw her vulnerabilities and its made her panic a bit and prefer to exclude you from her chat. Whereas maybe you naturally assumed you were doing a decent thing/potentially get closer. Could you maybe arrange stuff with a few of the others, like a sub group?

I was getting a bit cheesed off with one of my group dynamics. I had a break then went back with rock bottom expectations. I did enjoy our last meet up with no expectations honestly. We are going out for a Christmas do and I'm going to be really observant of the dynamics ( got paranoid one friend bows out as soon as I say I can make a meet up, and another friend just acts a bit weird when in the group). I think it's partly easy to overthink things but also your feelings can often be the truth.

I set up a school pta once and a very vocal mum who I was very close to started to take over, then exclude me, then started to be rude. I just left and never looked back. I just think she had to be the alpha and as I set it up I was in her way so she had to get rid of me. Who wants spend precious free time with that noise?

Observe I think. Start a few interesting conversations and if she shuts down everyone. be the first to enthusiastically reply to her topics. See what she does. Get a friend to see if they notice.

Is there a possibility you and Sue are similar, OP? Sometimes two of the same personality types can be hard in a group. Not quite the same thing but my boss said she was not moving someone to my team as she feels we would clash which I am grateful for. I couldn’t manage my twin.

My friends girlfriend is like this. Totally dominates every meet up when it was a pretty even split of airtime before. I was so excited to meet her, but it quickly became clear she was a pain in the arse, which was a shame.

You’ll probably find as time goes on that others think similarly - big personalities tend to split a crowd. Maybe arrange some smaller gatherings here and there and then just deal with the occasional cameo from Sue. That’s what we do.

I'm inclined to agree with this.
Perhaps think of yourself as an actress studying a character. The character is: "Sue, the new girl."
Analyse every little nuance. See through her eyes. Make her your project.
You may discover she is not at all who she appears to be. We all have an achilles heel after all..... She might even feel a little socially anxious around you for some reason.
I'm intrigued by her, and I've never even met her!!
Reminds me a bit of a freelance tutor we had at drama school. A jobbing actress in her 50's who seemed to feel totally incensed by the fact that I'd decided to train to be an actor in my 40's.
She'd sit there banging on about herself and her glittering career/growing up in the 80's etc.... to my peers (all in their late teens to early 20's).
I grew up in the 80's. Lots I could relate to, but whenever I tried to contribute to the discussion she would either ignore me completely, or shut me down. She didn't want anyone stealing her thunder (not that I was trying to).

One incredibly insecure lady.

You said you helped Sue with a problem, maybe she regrets sharing a vulnerability with you.

@purplerain100 could you ask one of your friends if there are WhatsApp groups that you're not a member of? If there are, they are colluding with her so def best to exit stage right and be grateful cos what's worse than losing friends like that is being friends with people like that for 1 more day.

Try fb for local women's groups.

I made friends with about 20 people through a coffee club. We all put up events we want to do and see if anyone wants to go too. This year we've been to Slovakia, Austria, Denmark and Porthmadog, have a walking club, book club, are setting up a crafters club and generally have a packed diary - meals, festivals, theatre, gigs, discos etc. We call each other to talk through issues etc and pop round to see each other for a tea/coffee. We decided we would not accept anymore into the core group of 14 so we could establish real friendships.

You don't deserve what's happened, leave other people's bad behaviour with them. Karma is real and will bite them...

You could set a what's app group up just the original ones in ,and try to organise some coffees without her ,..just be honest and say sometimes it's nice when it's just us original ones
Sue doesn't have to come to every coffee date
You could just ask one of the girls at a time to meet up for coffee ,you don't have to always meet as a group

Did you not have a what's app group with the original group of girls , before she came along

This! You hit the nail on the head!

I’m sorry this happened! I agree that she probably just senses you see through her, or she’s threatened by you in some way and jealousy drives her to exclude others. Or as someone says, she uses people and is looking for people who give her something that you can’t give (probably attention and adoration in this case!).

My recommendation is to absolutely not attempt to get her to like you - even if you eventually get on her good side, she isn’t a good or genuinely kind person, and an unkind friend is long term a liability because they are likely to hurt you in some way. Much better to believe what you see at face value and not let yourself be vulnerable to her.

Additionally, the fact that this lot have so little insight into her would give me pause too.

If possible I would invest my energies and small time I have on this earth in people who make me feel good and also women I think are wise and good judges of character, and friends who are observant enough to notice if a newcomer is freezing me out.

It sounds like the others in this group are none of the above, so do they really deserve your precious time? Could it be better spent nurturing other friendships, with family, on your body, career or even your garden?!

I would continue to meet the group but don’t engage as much. Don’t act like everything is normal, the group dynamics have changed and you won’t be the only one to notice.
Sue will run out of steam and normal service will hopefully resume.

Sue has spotted that you don't hang adoringly on her every word and is planning to freeze you out. I might be tempted to hang in there for a while, if you have nothing to lose (ie given you think you may need to move on anyway if the fan club doesn't stop). I'd probably say things like: 'Hang on, Sue - I wanted to hear what Jane was saying.' Or 'Let Anna get a word in edgeways, mate!' Launch in with, 'So Helen, how did the job interview/holiday/health check go?' before she has a chance to hold court and subtly send the message to the group that this domination is tiring.

My guess is that others are a bit tired of it too but too polite to say anything.

What an absolutely shitty way to treat someone who has gone out of their way to help you. I’m sorry you experienced this.
I’m now in my 60’s and as one of lives fixers have helped several people including family…but as the saying goes “No good deed goes unpunished”.
I used to think this saying was very cynical, but in most cases it’s true.

You don’t like her, she doesn’t like you.

Either you decide that you like the rest of the group enough to rub along with her when necessary because the rest of the people like her, or decide that your dislike of her now makes the group unenjoyable, and focus on other friendships?

I too have seen this scenario played out and agree completely. Do not leave the group OP. Stand your ground, minimise interaction with her and don’t feed her need for attention. As soon as she’s finished speaking (or even paused for breath) start a conversation of you own. Whatever you do don’t be sidelined by this woman.

I wonder this too.

I’d also wonder if there are others in the group thinking the same as you?

Im guessing you aren’t making your dislike obvious and the fact you are making an effort with her might look like you really like her.

i had a work colleague who everyone seemed to love, but I secretly didn’t warm to- I just didn’t get it. Turned out lots of other felt the same

She will instinctively know you see through her behaviours. She will probably be looking for a little gang of followers and knows that you have sussed her out.
Fortunately this type are in the minority, most well adjusted adults don’t require this level of attention and affirmation.
I wouldn’t give up your group. Continue as you are and hopefully at least some of your friendship group will become tired of her.
I really dislike larger than life characters! they’re a PITA.

That's because you're her competition, or you're not worthy.

Either you're a threat to her being the star of the show, or she's only interested in people she can get something out of, and you don't have a currency she wants.

She sounds like a bit of a bully singling you out. It happens.
This type of person needs to be dealt with in the group, the next time she brushes you off, ask her why is she being dismissive or rude. You might be surprised, the others probably find her brash on occasion.
Don't let her push you away from the group. Use your words. ❤️

I don't think you need to 'take yourself out of the group', that seems a little over the top. They are all entitled to like her if the wish, it doesn't mean that they don't like you now just because she's there. All friendship groups have some people who are naturally closer to others in the group. As long as you are still enjoying the company of the rest of them, surely that's ok?

Sue doesn't think you are manipulatable and therefore have nothing to offer her. Therefore Sue feels you are a threat and can see through her insecurities, bullshit and loudmouthing.
Therefore, Sue steers a wide birth as she can't see a purpose for you, only a threat to her facade.
Sue is probably very insecure and has personality issues. Is likely to fuck one of the group over royally at some point before she has to move onto a new group. At this point, you will say to everyone, I knew it all along.
This could take years and by this time you will have stopped going to things with Sue there.
I have seen this play out several times.

She sounds exhausting and also... very boring. I find it tiresome when people are like this and avoid them, life is too short to put up with muppets. The only thing interesting is knowing what the others really think of her!
Sorry OP. I guess it will come to a stage that you naturally pull out of any invites as a group as find that it becomes less appealing as time goes on. Sometimes friendships change, sometimes they run their course.