Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

Don’t message the colleague, you’ve done your part of messaging the instagram, messaging random colleagues she may barely even talk to is overreach and invasive. She’s made her choice going no contact, that combined with the outcome of the welfare check has given you your answer as to whether you should be tracking down her colleagues on LinkedIn (no)

It’s the idea that the OP’s son is chasing down this woman that I find most disturbing

It is absolutely baffling why you can’t understand why she doesn’t want anything to do with you. Of course she doesn’t, and unlikely ever will. Her father completely abandoned her in favour of shacking up with his girlfriend. That is abhorrent parenting which will likely leave her in counselling a long time. My dd is 17. Absolutely no way.

You state that there was a police welfare check, and she told the police to not pass contact details onto her Dad. This speaks volumes, and in my mind means you don't try any further ways of contacting her. If your partner's daughter had wanted to have stayed in contact with anyone in her family, Grandfather included, she would have done so. She has clearly made the decision to have no contact with her Dad and his side of the family and also her Mum's side too. That's her choice. Unfortunately, when people do go 'non contact', it means that situations like this arise - it's part and parcel of not having contact. A friend of mine was dumped on a host family at 16, by her Mum, in my hometown, which was miles away from her actual home, to attend college. Her Mum was supposed to move down permanently with her but changed her mind!! She left my friend from the age of 16, to essentially fend for herself, with very little parental input. It led my friend to make poor choices in life, because there was no one to guide her or give her support where it was needed. She's now in her 40's and has a very fractured, uneasy relationship with her Mum and goes months without contact. I think she'd have zero contact but she's an only child, so it's not so easy to do.

Sounds like it suited you both to not have her around. You and your husband sound pretty despicable people. I’m wondering what’s in it for you both to suddenly want contact.

She clearly doesn’t want any contact with you. Don’t go messaging her colleague they may not even know each other.

She clearly doesn’t want any contact with you. Don’t go messaging her colleague they may not even know each other.

If you can find hr for the company then email them

The police would find her. Police broke the news of my grandfather's death as no one had a telephone.

This. She is a grown woman. Respect her choice.

Contacting via a co-worker is stalker levels of lunacy.

did she def get /read the cousins message on fb. May have gone into others ?

sad that she spent lockdown on her own if split with her bf. Why didn’t either of you check on her ?

dad is now your dh so did you marry without her there as well ?

so sad she has no family as mum died and her dad your dh hasn’t made an effort

he’s the adult and dad. She’s the child

def don’t contact colleague but send a letter to her work address or the dad to go there

So at no point during lockdown did her father check on his house (even from the outside), notice that the gas/electricity/water were being used or get any clue a human was there? He never video called her? Her grandfather who she was supposedly clise to wasn't in touch, nor other relatives who might have picked up on something? I'm not convinced but if it is true she's best away from him.

While I agree with many of your points, 23 year old living alone in London is not a big thing. I emigrated from Eastern Europe in 2005 (many of my peers did) and I lived far away from family and friends, in a foreign country where I didn't know anyone. In that regard, she will be fine and she clearly manages.

This is quite possibly pne of the most horrifying posts i have read on her regarding step families.

That poor girl lost her mum, then her dad fucked off to live with you and rarely contacted her...no wonder the girl wants nothing to do with any of you. Ypu should all be utterly ashamed of yourselves. And I say that as a mum and a step mum.

Do not make an awful situation worse by contacting some random she works with. If you know the company name, send a recorded letter to her care of the company but otherwise you made your choices and now need to live with them.

"...they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us"

She doesn't want to be contacted so leave her alone and stop trying to track her down. She must be aware that her grandfather could die and she wouldn't know, and she's OK with that. He didn't seem to bother with her while he was alive so why would you think she would even want to know, let alone attend his funeral?

That sounded so cool & funky, no? And you got to use that phrase - yay!

but here’s the thing: she could be NC for sooooo many reasons. She could be unwell, have MH issues, have reasons we’ve no idea about for the NC, but “drama llama” sounds so coooooool, so let’s go with that!

And let’s forget also all the many many posts on here where people ask advice re being or going NC, and the support and advice they receive. Since it’s such a cool phrase, let’s bin all that & a bit of compassion & reasoned thinking with it, tar’m all with the “drama llama” brush without knowing details & devoid of kindness. Quicker & cooler!

[ obvious sarcasm]

It’s not up to you or your son it’s up to her family to find her. Seems like you don’t even know her. Her dad messaged her once a month and she replied, why didn’t he message her every day and she spent Covid alone is shocking. Leave the poor women alone no wonder she doesn’t want anything to do with yous and I don’t blame her. Obviously your standards are very low being involved with a ‘father’ who couldn’t give a fuck about his daughter.

Anytime I see this dynamic in a family - one or more members going no or low contact - the reason is very very obvious.

Yes we all have different tolerance levels, and we all tolerate things to differing extents within our families. But certainly the few examples I know of where people have stopped contact I can absolutely see the issues that led them to that point.

I would cut you off too, what disgusting parenting.

"She's got plenty of money, more than us in fact. Fuck it, let's leave her to it.".....

The poor woman.

Oh and as a PP said, your Son sounds fucking worrying.

'We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.'

I'm glad to hear she is financially secure and you had a welfare check done at least to make sure she was ok. It was genuinely alarming to think of a young woman of 23 just abandoned by her only parent for the past 5 years. So many young people end up homeless or going missing when this happens so at least she is safe but has just made a decision to not be in contact.

That's a really good suggestion!

There's your answer, Op. She doesn't want to be in any contact with you. Leave her alone.

No just leave her alone. She's intentionally made it difficult to be contacted, because she doesn't want any contact. Whenever she's ready to re-establish contact, usually when she's had a child, she will. She understands the implications of going no contact, and she doesn't care. This has been my experience with older siblings who moved 6 + hours away. They were uncontactable during events, and realised a few years later how much things had changed. My mum was on oxygen and in a wheelchair and my father had become visually impaired. Numerous grandparents and an uncle has passed away. They now check in once a year!

OP, why do you think she wants no contact with you and her Father? Genuine question.

i have to assume both OP and her husband lack emotional intelligence.

OP will never see that this was a child who still needed parenting. I would say this young woman has very good reasons to want nothing to do with her dad and the wider families. No one seemed to have cared about her.

How on earth did her dad not know she was as living on the family home? Who was paying the bills, buying food, keeping the lights on?