Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Why did you not mention this in your OP? That's quite salient information. You have your answer there. You simply have to respect her boundaries.

Oh well she’ll miss her grandpa’s funeral then won’t she. Decisions have consequences.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this. It's one thing to say you won't be going over for a cuppa or Christmas dinner any more but I think it's something entirely different to basically make yourself legally dead to your family. I think unless your family are harrasing you or a danger to you then this isn't justified and shouldn't be encouraged.

This actually seems like the best possible example of going NC. She doesn't have to deal with her past anymore. She's living a great life with a successful career in London. She's clearly done her own closure regarding the death of a grandparent and doesn't intend to be contacted in the event of a funeral. Grandparents die...it's sad but not shocking at all. Why would she have to be forced to dredge up all that past trauma just to attend a funeral with a family who betrayed her on so many levels. It's also entirely possible that she had direct contact with her grandfather and he supported her choice. He probably doesn't give a shit either whether she shows up to his funeral or not (as a PP mentioned, maybe he even left her a lot of inheritance which is what sent all the relatives scrambling).

I don’t think anyone should judge. I know someone who has gone no contact because of horrendous abuse.

anyone on the outside looking in tells her she will regret it. Assume it’s over something trivial. See a lovely, middle class older couple and think how awful it is their daughter refuses to visit or help with any care. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and none of us should judge others choices.

As pp have said she's a grown adult and has made this choice knowing what the consequence would be. I'd be concerned about exploitation and vulnerability when she's seemingly abandoned her whole family whilst still a child but if police have done a wellbeing check there's very little else to do.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this. It's one thing to say you won't be going over for a cuppa or Christmas dinner any more but I think it's something entirely different to basically make yourself legally dead to your family. I think unless your family are harrasing you or a danger to you then this isn't justified and shouldn't be encouraged.

I agree that she was treated appallingly, with far reaching effects, and it’s understandable why she is no contact. You appear oblivious to this and the excuses you’ve made are incredibly weak and embarrassing. You and your husband need to accept he has been a poor father unequivocally and have the heartfelt desire to address and make that up to her.

Now isn’t the time to do that. You should respect her desire for no contact. If ever you understand what you’ve done then you could attempt a genuine apology and be willing to work through any consequences (anger, pain resentment etc that come up). But you need to accept the outcome might continue to be that she remains no contact and wants nothing to do with either of you.

I would give it one last go through her work colleague.

Lost contact needs to look like your fault not hers though.

If she doesn't feel she has a family anymore, fair play, but leave the door open.

Hope it all works out OK.

(Speculative post here just for people who might be skimming the thread. Not part of OP's story)
I'm genuinely curious how it works in a situation where a deceased relative leaves something to someone who is alive but NC. Can the solicitors and police track down the individual for their share of the inheritance?

Gosh that poor girl, lost her mum young and then her dad just left her to get on with stuff aged 17.

The welfare check puts a different slant on it to my mind. She has told the police that she doesn't want any contact.

I really hope she is doing well.

If I was her dad, I would try all means to send her a card with my address on and let her know any time she wanted to call, visit, needed anything I would be there. If I knew where she worked, I would figure out the email address pattern and email her. If I knew the head office address I would send her a letter c/o the head office.

But your DH just got you, your son and his nieces running around on Instagram after 6 years (and likely longer) of being a shit dad.

I can see why she would be upset with her dad - this is between her and him btw - she was 17, said she's going to stay with her boyfriend during the pandemic and apparently was left to her own devices while he focused on his new girlfriend (in her eyes anyway). Did her dad not go back to his home during lockdown even once to check on things - even if he assumed the house was empty? At a time when people were dying in huge numbers, why didn't he make sure to see her/speak to her, even if she was with a boyfriend? Afterwards, when she moved to England, messaging her once a month, is pretty poor. Seeing her once a month, fair enough but messaging? If/when he is able to make contact with her, her dad needs to be prepared to address his shortcomings with her, otherwise she will simply disappear again. In the meantime, I would leave her alone.

Yes - OP was almost flippant - her son has gone ‘full detective mode’ to find this poor girl who no one gave a shot about when she was a vulnerable teen taking care of herself during the pandemic. Now she is earning a good salary they want to find her?

and why does OP’s son care? He can’t know her very well.

All very odd

Deleted as posted twice.

I very much hope that she’s living her best life, poor girl.

As others have said you can ask the police to get a message to her with the news and funeral date.

I’m going to hazard a guess that the reason they’re suddenly so keen to get hold of this woman who they abandoned as a child is because grandpa left her his money and they want to share it. The stalker approach after years of not bothering does not ring true.

I actually think it's incredible that a girl coming from such a tragic childhood of abuse and neglect has created a career in finance for herself. And her deadbeat father and his partner can only think about moaning how she's earning more money than either of them.

She's clearly doing amazingly well. She doesn't fit the profile of a difficult teen or any person who is "the problem" themselves. She's clearly not addicted to any substances or mixing with the wrong people in London. Well done to her. Her colleagues also sound like smart, sensible people so if they started getting messages from her crazy NC family then it would only strengthen the admiration they have for her.

If the concern is inheritance from the grandfather then the solicitor executing the will can trace her if you tell them what you know of her whereabouts. Otherwise she’s made her choice and you should respect that

God, I wouldn't do this either.

Incredibly depressing thread. I hope you don’t try to contact her work colleague.

It is curious the lengths that you and others are willing to go to to contact her now. Is it so you can tell others around you that you did everything to contact her? It feels like an excuse that she was close to her grandfather. Very odd that his sense of duty as a parent only kicks in when her grandfather has died. And not say, when she was 17, there was a global pandemic and she was living with her boyfriend.

If that was my 17 year old DD her living with her boyfriend wouldn’t have even been an option on the table for discussion. Especially not at a time of heightened stress like 2020 was.

What is with you posting about how much money she gets, as if that has fuck all to do with anything??

Money does not make up for neglect. This is about your worthless louse of a husband 'father' emotionally neglecting and abandoning his child. Your values are all sorts of beeped up if you think her having money means f all. Your husband is scum. He abandoned his daughter. And apparently didn't even bother to be involved in her life enough to know what was going on with her and her boyfriend when any other dad would be.

Mentioning money? You may as well mention a recipe for bolognese, for all the relevance money has to his abuse and neglect of her. I think you both make a good pair though as you both share the same 'values' and disconnect and lack of parental instinct. And she left because you basically pushed her out. I honestly don't know how you (or your husband) live with yourself, OP. You should be hanging your head in shame.

That poor ,poor girl.
this is so incredibly sad and heartbreaking.
how did neither of you check on her constantly during covid and make sure she was okay.She was just a child and all alone without any parental support,even if you thought she was with her boyfriend this is very neglectful.No wonder she is Nc.
our elder 2 DD’s were older in lockdown but came home for Covid as it was such a scary time and this poor girl was left to fend for herself.
genuinely sad that you can’t see how negligent you both were.

I hope no contact is working well for her and that she's living a peaceful life. No wonder she chose it. In fact she didn't have much of a choice as she was totally abandoned.

LEAVE. HER. ALONE.

She doesn't want contact. Even the police confirmed she doesn't want contact. She knows where you are if she changes her mind. But she probably won't.

This smacks of grief vulturism and generating drama for the sake of it. I can imagine how everyone in the family, especially OP, loves the juicy gossip of this "missing girl" (who clearly has gone voluntarily NC) and constantly talking about her. OP's son probably doesn't know her at all and has no skin in the game whether she's found or not, so it's totally baffling why he'll go to such lengths to stalk someone unless it's just for shits and giggles. The passing of the grandfather is a great way to rekindle the fire and used as an excuse to track her down.

Surely a fully grown adult is aware that changing numbers and going NC means nobody will be able to contact them in case any grandparents, inevitably, pass away. It's not such a shocking twist of logic that she doesn't want her stepparent stalking her down to her workplace to pass on horrible news. And highly unlikely that she'll want to show up to the funeral anyway because the most important person is gone and she'll only have to deal with the living relatives who have failed her in so many ways.

Is there more to this story?
I can’t get over her dad just allowing her to go and live with her boyfriend when she was 17 and then leaving her to it and not having any sort of relationship with her. That doesn’t just happen without good reason. Was she a difficult teen? Is he a terrible dad? Or am I just naive?!

Don't contact her through a colleague. It's not fair on the colleague to put them in that position, and it's not fair on your step daughter that her private business is known in work. She's made it very clear she doesn't want to be contacted including the police welfare check last year. Respect that.