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Original poster

Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

282 replies

Hiltonsy · 09/11/2025 20:03

Im really not sure what we are supposed to do here. My DH and I met when his DD was 15, during Covid she was 17, she told us she was going to spend lockdown with her boyfriend, so her dad came to stay with me as we weren’t yet living together. She rarely replied to texts etc. In the September she turned 18, we met up with her to give her, some birthday gifts, this is the last time we seen her in person. We later found out that she had actually spent a lot of covid alone as she and her boyfriend broke up early in. She didn’t tell us this but claimed that we never checked in.
She then moved to England (we are Scottish) for an apprenticeship, we had her address and for a few years her father would message her about once a month, she’d reply. We tried to meet up with her, she didn’t want to. Then we found out 2 years ago she had moved to London for work. She stopped replying to messages etc. We haven’t had any communication from her since April 2024.
Last week her grandfather passed away, they always had a pretty good relationship.
Her number no longer appears to be in use so she must have gotten a new one. Her cousin has messaged her on Facebook but she hasn’t actually posted on Facebook since 2021. She doesn’t follow anyone we know on instagram so although my son has tried to message her she would have to check the message requests to find it.
The funeral is next week and we’d really like her to know before then so she atleast has the choice to come to the funeral. Obviously she has decided to go no contact so we won’t force anything.
My son has gone full detective mode, and has found someone she works withs instagram (found them through LinkedIn). I am team he messages this person just to try and get her attention. DH agrees but DHs nieces think she should just be left alone, she’s been told, we’ve done our part and there is nothing more we can do if she doesn’t want to be contacted.
AIBU to think we should keep trying if it gives her the choice?

OP posts:
Spookyspaghetti · 10/11/2025 09:12

Your partner stopped having a meaningful relationship with his daughter long before he lost contact with her. (He was the adult/only parent figure)

Now you know your partners true colours, I hope you realise that if there is ever a deterioration in your relationship he will be treating you and your son in the same manner.

He has failed her and the very least he could do is make an effort to tell her her grandfather died. Your partner should be making an effort on behalf of his father too.

Its sad and shocking and you can’t gloss over it by continually pointing to how much money you think she has.

Also, she presumably had those loans/bursaries because the state stepped in where your partner failed to provide support.

Not of this is particularly your fault so I hope you open your eyes to who this man is.

BirthdeighParteigh · 10/11/2025 09:08

Wow. You should have probably mentioned the welfare check upfront - she doesn’t want contact from her deadbeat father, so leave the poor woman alone and don’t go harassing her colleagues on social media either.

PlatinumEdition · 10/11/2025 09:06

Please do not contact a work colleague, you have no idea what she has told them about her life before London, it may be a completely different one to reality and you will put her in a very difficult position.

You can rest assured she is alive and well as you have had the police checks done. Your partner needs to accept that he has cocked up and has most probably damaged his relationship with his dd forever.

Leave the poor girl to live her life. Sounds as though she has done well given the circumstances.

mindutopia · 10/11/2025 09:05

And I hope if you do contact her, she is sensible enough to pursue a non-molestation order against you.

Bluestitching · 10/11/2025 09:04

She doesn’t want contact and I’m not surprised.

her dad is horrendous. Hardly a parent. I hope you do not have kids to him.

nicepotoftea · 10/11/2025 09:03

Shakeyourwammyfannyfunkysong · 10/11/2025 08:36

As pp have said she's a grown adult and has made this choice knowing what the consequence would be. I'd be concerned about exploitation and vulnerability when she's seemingly abandoned her whole family whilst still a child but if police have done a wellbeing check there's very little else to do.

I wonder if therapists and dogooders on the internet fully appreciate that this is the consequence of going full on nc and whether they encourage the person affected to consider this. It's one thing to say you won't be going over for a cuppa or Christmas dinner any more but I think it's something entirely different to basically make yourself legally dead to your family. I think unless your family are harrasing you or a danger to you then this isn't justified and shouldn't be encouraged.

Edited

From what the OP has said, her family abandoned her.

Negroany · 10/11/2025 09:02

Hiltonsy · 10/11/2025 06:09

She’s 23 now, not a child. In 2020 when Covid happened she told us she was moving in with her boyfriend of 2 years for Covid. I didn’t want my partner to be alone so I told him to stay with me. She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers.
She then did a 3 year degree apprenticeship in England and then told us 2 years ago now she was moving to London for work and at the time we were still chatting a fair amount, she works in the finance world, she told us what her earnings were at the time and it’s frankly more than either her father or I make and that was 2 years ago. Plenty of 23 year olds live in London.
As for when she was doing her HNC she got over £1000 a month between bursary and loan as her father was a low earner, Scotland doesn’t do student loans the same as England. On top of that she was working 10 hours a week on above minimum wage, and received a dependents pension as her mother was a nurse that was over £400 a month. She was easily bringing in more money than many at 17!

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

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Your bf left his home empty, she moved back in and not only did he not check on her, he didn't go back to the property for years? What happened to the property?

That is really odd behaviour from him.

Anyway, surely you have an email address?

Is she likely to inherit, you'll have to find her in that case.

Mix56 · 10/11/2025 09:00

User564523412 · 10/11/2025 08:32

(Speculative post here just for people who might be skimming the thread. Not part of OP's story)
I'm genuinely curious how it works in a situation where a deceased relative leaves something to someone who is alive but NC. Can the solicitors and police track down the individual for their share of the inheritance?

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Yes, there are teams of people who's job is to specifically look for lost relations/beneficiaries

Wowthatwasabigstep · 10/11/2025 09:00

So your husband last saw his child physically a number of years ago and has had very little in the way of contact with his daughter over the years. He had an address for her yet didn’t go and check to see if she was okay or even alive.

For goodness sake don’t have children with this man, if relevant, as parenting is clearly not something he excels at. What a shameful way to conduct himself.

I am staggered that the death of her grandfather was the trigger to actually taking steps to see if she is alive.

If she has decided to stop or block contact few
would blame her as her father has been seemingly uninterested since I date and not bothered to check to see how his daughter is doing. A welfare call to the police should be the absolute minimum.

mindutopia · 10/11/2025 08:59

Christ, poor thing, her mum died as a child and her dad moved out and left her during lockdown to live with his girlfriend and didn’t even return to the house to know she was living there on her own. 😳 I can see why she has washed her hands of both of you. What horrendously selfish behaviour on the part of her father.

Please leave her alone. I am NC with my family. Anyone I wanted to stay in touch with I have. If I wanted to know about someone’s passing, I’d be in touch with them while they were alive and I would know. She hasn’t stayed in touch with her grandfather, so she won’t want to attend his funeral now years and years later. This sounds like an excuse to stir the pot. Please do not have people contact her and do not contact her at work. It’s very easy to get someone’s address. Her dad could write her a letter if he really had to, but I would leave her in peace. She will be much happier not hearing from you and there is no reason to re-open this wound for her.

deeahgwitch · 10/11/2025 08:57

I just can’t get past that a Dad would not keep up contact with his 17 year old DD whose mother was dead, during Covid. 🥲

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/11/2025 08:57

Duplicate post.

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/11/2025 08:57

notimeforregrets · 10/11/2025 07:44

While I agree with many of your points, 23 year old living alone in London is not a big thing. I emigrated from Eastern Europe in 2005 (many of my peers did) and I lived far away from family and friends, in a foreign country where I didn't know anyone. In that regard, she will be fine and she clearly manages.

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I agree. I lived alone in London at that time although not so far away from my family and I was in touch with them. No mobile phones, email or social media though.

zurigo · 10/11/2025 08:55

Hiltonsy · 10/11/2025 00:38

She was still working part time during Covid and was a HNC level student in Scotland that counts as university level so she had a student loan too. She had plenty of money and like I said we were under the impression she was living with her boyfriend, we didn’t know that had changed as she didn’t tell us.

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The onus was on her dad to keep in touch FFS! I simply cannot imagine my DC leaving the family home at 17 and then not regularly checking in with them. I speak to both my parents every week. I speak to my kids every day. As a parent you have a responsibility to keep in touch with your DC, particularly as your DSD's mother died when she was a small DC. Where is the care and attention from her father? No wonder she's chosen to go NC with you all - I think I would too! None of you give a shit about her and that was amply demonstrated five years ago.

Didkyle · 10/11/2025 08:53

Saracen · 10/11/2025 08:51

I don't agree. I expect the OP's son just hasn't stopped to think about how she might feel and why she might not want to be tracked down. He probably just got caught up with the parents' determination to contact her, and he joined in with what he thought was an interesting challenge, trying to be helpful.

Obviously he shouldn't have done all this sleuthing, but I don't think he's being creepy, just unthinking.

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WTF

so you think he’s completely devoid of any intelligence?

nope, it’s fucking sinister that the OP’s son is dedicating himself to tracking down this woman

Saracen · 10/11/2025 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I don't agree. I expect the OP's son just hasn't stopped to think about how she might feel and why she might not want to be tracked down. He probably just got caught up with the parents' determination to contact her, and he joined in with what he thought was an interesting challenge, trying to be helpful.

Obviously he shouldn't have done all this sleuthing, but I don't think he's being creepy, just unthinking.

isthesolution · 10/11/2025 08:50

Message her on Facebook and Instagram. If she gets in touch then fine. If not leave it. She’s intentionally made it so you can’t contact her. If she had contact with her grandfather she’ll find out anyway. X

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 10/11/2025 08:50

she didn’t tell us

And you didn’t care enough in your little bubble to enquire?

cuts both ways

The feedback from the police is all you need to know. Leave her be and accept the result of her fathers poor and selfish behaviour

GetToHeaven · 10/11/2025 08:50

WinterIng2025 · 10/11/2025 08:44

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Why did you not mention this in your OP? That's quite salient information. You have your answer there. You simply have to respect her boundaries.

This, 100%

SALaw · 10/11/2025 08:49

You have no idea how well she knows this colleague, if at all, or how sensitive or discreet that colleague might be, or whether they like each other or not, or what she has said about her relationship with her family to people at work. Do not contact the colleague.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/11/2025 08:49

If she doesn't want contact she won't come to the funeral - so please leave it.

You've tried to contact her so you've done your bit.

Please don't contact her through colleagues - that reveals her family situation to them which is unacceptable. If you've had the police do a welfare check, you could ask if they'd pass on a message - not likely but you'll know you've tried.

I'm sorry you've lost contact but at least you know she's doing well.

Livelovebehappy · 10/11/2025 08:48

Alpacajigsaw · 10/11/2025 08:42

Oh well she’ll miss her grandpa’s funeral then won’t she. Decisions have consequences.

Well she might not. She might turn up for the funeral anyway. Funerals aren’t RSVP and are published generally in local newspapers. I don’t think she needs to let anyone know she’s going.

Livelovebehappy · 10/11/2025 08:46

I suspect her dad’s attempted contact with her has been greatly exaggerated. I had similar with my dad when he left to live with someone else when I was young. He used to tell everyone how he’d tried to keep in touch with me, but it wasn’t true. I don’t think your dsd would have gone no contact with her dad had he made an effort.

DBD1975 · 10/11/2025 08:45

Cannot believe some of the responses on here.
You and your DP are the adults here and, whether justified or not, your DSD has obviously been hurt by her DD moving in with you over lockdown.
Personally I would move heaven and earth to fix this situation but your DP needs to do his bit as well.

Summerlilly · 10/11/2025 08:45

For the love of God do not contact the colleague! It’s none of their business and you know nothing about this person.
From what you described, people don’t just go NC over that. So there is 100% more to this story.
Please leave her be, there is a high chance she will see the insta messages. So do nothing.