Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

I think she means she can’t find a physical postal address written down on the website? Not that there’s no online presence 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well then there's your answer. Leave her alone.

Dad doesn't sound overly invested for a child who has already lost her mother. She announced she wanted to move in with her bf so he ran off to yours and didn't look back. A few texts and a monthly obligatory contact. There's obviously far more to the story than you're letting on.

You've done the basics necessary to let her know. It's quite possible other family ARE in contact but secretly so as long as they all know about Grandad, there's still a chance she'll find out

Leave her be

I also can’t seem to find an address for the company online.

What finance company has no online presence other than one person on linkedin

RTFT and it’s very clear your DH did not care and made no effort to care for his DD. 17 and moving in with her bf? And he just said, “Great! I’ll move in with my GF and never check back home.”

You keep saying you aren’t mind readers, but that works both ways. It seems you took a “no news is good news” hands off approach. Perhaps the break up was very hard for her. Have you ever considered how she felt? All alone during Covid freshly dumped. Lost her mum, dad doesn’t come home or check on her. She might have been extremely depressed. Not being mind readers should, usually, mean you actively parent and physically check in on your under 18 year old child. Not just send the occasional “all ok” over text.

I wouldn’t be reaching out to you either.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

This is an INCREDIBLE drip feed. After saying that you have no idea where she is or how to contact her, which might be true, while others are recommending that you at least do a welfare check, OP’s already DONE one within 12 months and the daughter made it clear, not years ago but in fact, less than 12 months ago, that she wanted no contact. People who are NC know they’re going to miss things like family funerals; but they feel the cost is worth their piece of mind. She already decided “late last year.” Leave her alone.

If she's purposefully made herself uncontactable then that's on her. There's nothing you can do.

Exactly. How ridiculous to waste their time!

You can't message someone on Linkedin telling them to alert their colleague (who may be a near stranger) that their grandparent has died?! It's a professional network not the Missing Persons Unit.

She doesn't want to be found. Surely she'll realise that the elderly people in her family she never speaks to will pass away without her knowledge and she's made peace with that.

"She and her boyfriend then broke up and she went back to stay in their home, we didn’t know this, she didn’t tell us and we aren’t mind readers."

Surely this would have cropped up during everyday conversation? I don't even mean daily, just normal, routine, regular conversation. Are you saying that at no point during this time was her dad in touch with her and said "Hi Sarah, how are you? How's John?", at which point she'd have told him that they'd broken up.

As others have pointed out, the fact that a 17 year old girl who lost her mother at a young age didn't feel close enough to her dad to tell him she'd broken up with her boyfriend and moved back into an empty house during a situation that was unprecedented in our lifetime speaks volumes.

Your dismissal of that poor relationship as "we aren’t mind readers" also speaks volumes.

I'm all for encouraging and letting kids be independent and am a big proponent of the idea that there is too much helicopter parenting these days but that was uncaring neglect. That poor girl must have felt abandoned

The police aren't messengers for absentee parents.

Why is it important? She's NC, for good reason, she has told the police this already.

She's made her choices, and using the police to continue to harrass her, after years of pretty much abandoning her, and her moving on, is not on at all.

This breaks my heart. You and your DH did what was convenient for you and absolved yourself of the responsibility of a 17 year old. I too was responsible for myself at 17, financially and emotionally because my parents were like you. I did it because I had to, because no one else had my back. Sounds like you were too busy to think of yourselves and put a little bit of extra effort to support a teenager.

Your DH needs to step up and try harder or his relationship with his DD is destroyed forever.

Must be hard to read the responses here, you feel like your and your DP didn’t do anything wrong because she never told you she broke up with her bf, but I hope this helps you reflect on the fact that actually your DP to the outside, including his DD, feel like he abandoned her.

She never told you she broke up with her bf but she went back to her dads house. He should have been in such frequent contact with his 17 year old child that he was able to recognise that she was alone. Surely his bills etc were showing that someone was living in his house?

I don’t know the rules in Scotland but surely as things relaxed your DP would have wanted to see his DD, even if it was socially distanced? If I’m honest I’d expect him to break the rules to have seen her. My mums 60th birthday was peak Covid and I drove to her house to deliver presents and stood outside her front garden for a chat.

If she ever relents and gets in contact/attends the funeral, I hope you and your DP have readjusted your feelings and are open to be really remorseful and listen to what she has to say. DP is to blame.

There's an awful lot of speculation and character assassination going on in this thread which isn't helpful to the OP.

OP, this is really down to your H and his family to sort out. DSD has made it clear she doesn't want contact so I would respect that. If messages have been sent to her SM profiles by family members then that's the end of it. It's impossible to say whether she would want to go to the funeral or not, but attempts have already been made to let her know. If she is upset at missing it, then the family can demonstrate that they tried; as others have pointed out this can sadly be one of the consequences of going NC. If she doesn't mind missing it, then no-one has tried to take contacting her too far.

I'm sorry for your loss.

but to me it is important she is made aware about her grandfather's death
try the police as said above

Your DH was a shit dad, and she's decided she doesn't want him in her life. No, you shouldn't contact her colleagues.

Leave her alone, she's made it more than obvious she doesn't want anything to do with Dad of the year or you.

Tell your creepy son to stop online stalking her as well, and, for the love of God, do not message her colleague. You'll end up, rightfully, getting charged with harrassment.

Your prize of a husband is reaping what he sowed.

I hope she continues doing well in life and finds happiness and someone who truly loves her.

I’ve worked with someone whose estranged family kept trying to contact her via work colleagues. It was abundantly clear why she didn’t want to hear from them, they were abusive and frankly scary.

So her dad moved in with you during Covid and he thought she was living with her boyfriend but didn’t realise she’d actually moved back home?
Did he not go back to the house at all? You know, to pick up post, check everything was ok etc.
All sounds a bit odd to me.

She’s not stupid, she will know that going NC will mean she won’t find out about stuff like this. She obviously thinks that the benefits of going NC outweighs that. It sounds like you couldn’t even contact her if her dad was to die and she will know that too.

Who are you to decide whether my reasons for not contacting my family are justified and not to be encouraged?

there are a lot of reasons that aren’t dangerous people or harassment that are valid and a good thing.

Do you have no shame? Leave her alone. She cannot make it anymore clear that she wants nothing to do with any of you.
Honestly I read some shite on here, but her father and you take the biscuit.

Don't contact the colleague. If you are set to contact someone, inform the HR of the company. But I wouldn't contact anyone, you tried. She should be aware that family member might die and has decided that she doesn't want to be informed.

Also, i feel like you need to step down from this. Let her dad deal with this. You barely know this girl and the whole situation is messed up and her dad really dropped the ball.

OP please don't do this.
She has gone no contact and wants to be left alone, why can't her family accept that, hard as it is, and having her tracked down would be a massive invasion of her privacy. She's not Britains most wanted. Leave her alone fgs.

Who was paying the gas and electricity bills when she was back at her Dad’s house?