Can’t get in touch with DSD to tell her her grandfather has passed

I also don’t buy that he didn’t know she was living in the house alone. He must have been paying all the bills. A low earner apparently but such little awareness of his finances that he didn’t realise someone was living in his home? Rubbish. This poor girl. She sounds like she’s done incredibly well for herself and I’m sure her mum would be really proud of her while also being so disappointed that her dad didn’t take his responsibility seriously at all. I hope she continues to now put her wellbeing first and have a fantastic life.

I can’t believe your DH left his daughter to fend for herself at 17 - he couldn’t have had much contact to not realise that her and her boyfriend were no longer together and she was alone. She has chosen to do no contact - she knows this will mean she won’t find out if family members are ill or dead .

How old was the boyfriend she moved in with, so dad could scoot off and move in with you?

Alone…

I bet the reason for being so desperate to track her down is because her Dad is gonna look like a right twat when people at the funeral ask how she is.

We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us.

Ok so you know she has made an active choice to not allow her dad have her contact details. If her father can easily accept a 17 he’s responsible for can make the decision to live a boyfriend and he is ok just fucking off to move in with you. Then he should respect her decision to not have contact with you.

A parent doesn’t need to be a mind reader, he could have gone back to his home and checked in on his daughter.

It's hardly rocket science to understand that a child’s teenage relationship wouldn’t last, even more so during a lockdown. He should have gone back to his home, alone, to check that his daughter was ok. Out of curiosity, why the choice for him to move in with you rather than you move to him? Is he one of these men who leaves his own child and expects them to suck it up so that his girlfriend can stay local to her own child? Or not cause any change in their girlfriend’s kids lives?

If she was that close to her grandfather or even bothered about him SHE would have stayed in touch with him and would know he’s died!

She has made it plain and clear that she wants nothing to do with her dad or you. You should be doing noting anyway as you are not her relation. Back off and leave her the fuck Allen!

Quite. Just leave her alone!

This is harassment. She has made it clear that she wants nothing to do with them, she is not missing.

She had a welfare check done last year, this woman made it clear she wanted no contact.

Let's not advocate for op and the deadbeat dad to use the police to harrass her again or stalk her through her work.

Are you definitely sure she’s okay? If not then you could try getting the police to do a wellbeing check on her & at the same time let her know that her grandfather has died too.

Contacting her place of work (not her colleague) is a good plan too for notifying her. The company I work for receives dozens of these kinds of messages all the time and HR always makes sure to pass them along. But know it might take several weeks.

Wow a dad that messages his daughter once a month. What a fantastic parent he is.
That poor girl.

In which case I wouldn't attempt to contact her directly or through her acquaintances. You could let her know about her grandfather via a solicitor, but you may choose to do this only if she's due to inherit something.

"We had a welfare check done by the police late last year as we hadn’t heard from her, they informed us she was well but did not want them to pass any contact information along to us."

Take that as a message it is. She doesn't want contact. I'm not massively surprised, as her dad couldn't wash his hands of her fast enough when she was 17 and covid hit.
Honestly, what sort of parent would let their teenage dd move in alone with a boyfriend during covid of all things? Then it sounds like he kept in contact infrequently, and begrudgingly. Considering her mum died when she was young, he should have been bending over backwards to keep her close and in the fold. Saying "bye darling!" and rushing to his ladyfriends house as soon as lockdown happened is so frigging weird. Didn't he have a house before then??

For the sake of "doing your bit", drop a message in her fb or instagram messages, and leave it at that. The cost of going NC is potentially missing out on these sorts of family events. Presumably Dgrandfather didn't show any more interest than his son?

I have seen the updates and that a welfare check was
done and your husbands daughter stated she didn’t want any contact.

What a fabulous person she is, I hope she is living a good life away from her excuse of a father, OP you are an adult and could have questioned his disgraceful behaviour at any time, he effectively abandoned his child whose mother had died. Time for you to examine your life choices and morals.

The cynic in me thinks your husband is only making contact as there is a possibility that the grandfather may have left money to your husbands daughter after his death and your husband wants to get his hands on it. One would hope that assumption is incorrect though as that would be confirmation that your husband is truly an awful person.

The grandad won’t know if she’s there or not, the DSD attending is not going to please the grandad.

It will only lead to questions etc which she clearly doesn’t want.

Whats her grandad done wrong though?
Op.is trying to contact her about a funeral isn't she?

I agree 🥲

How long was she living at the house before you both realized she was there? Did he consider moving back so that she didn't have to live alone? After all, you didn't think that he should have to live alone, but he just assumed his daughter was fine to do so?

Just curious as to how this all played out.

If you mean Heir Hunters like off of the daytime tv show they are speculative people trying to track relatives of people that died intestate in the hope those relatives will agree to pay them something for their troubles. That’s different from a situation where someone leaves something in their will to a named individual.

It’s beyond piss poor that he let her just move out at 17 to go to her boyfriend… how old was the bf out of curiosity? Can’t imagine 2 x 17 year olds getting their own place, so I wonder if he was a replacement father figure.

This is very good point. If the "boyfriend" was actually an adult man taking advantage of a teenage girl then it sounds horrific. No wonder she moved out so quickly.

She made clear at the safe and well check that she didn't want you to be able to contact her so you need to leave it.

She has presumably had no contact with her grandad since before covid.

My all means try the social media accounts you have for her but as you say, she may not check them. She might though. I think my son gets emails if someone messages him on there or tags him in a post (don't do that) so although he doesn't use it he would probably log on and have a look.

Don't try to contact her through work/colleagues as she has made it clear she doesn't want you to be able to contact her.

I think your DH misjudged the situation terribly when he let her move in with her BF during covid age 17 and left the family home to live with you. How did he not check the property to see if it was ok if he thought it was empty let alone not make some effort to see her regardless of where he thought she was living?! She must have felt very unwanted and presumably this has led to where you are now even if she didn't immediately want to cut ties.

As someone who is nc with part of the family, leave it. She has likely given this thought and, whatever her reasons for nc, will either have accepted that this means she likely won't hear about important news like this, or she has another avenue to get information that you know nothing of. Either way, you've done what you can, and contacting workplaces, random acquaintances etc would be very unreasonable

Absolutely. Plus my adult daughter (24 at the start of covid) was actually living with her boyfriend and the first thing we did when rules lightened was meet up in a park for a walk and a coffee because we hadn’t been able to see each other for ages! Why didn’t he do this?