To think most people “help others” for the ego boost, not actual compassion?

No. I know I help people for the precise opposite reason. It’s a duty, a pleasure, a way of giving to others in need and of feeling gratitude for being in a position to help. It doesn’t give me an ego boost, but it does give me joy.

I don’t tell people, but I’ll tell you one incident, because this is anonymous. I have a friend I have known for coming up to 49 years, from when I was living in a developing country. 15 years ago I sponsored her to come here and do a masters degree. She had told me she wanted to come and I was worried that she had underestimated the cost and it could ruin her. Consequently, I took it upon myself to make it possible for her to study here and succeed. I helped her in lots of ways - practical, financial and academic. She is now one of the most successful people in her field in her country. She has won international prizes. Without studying here, the doors to that success would not have been open to her. But it was her hard work and success that got her there. Not mine. I’m so proud of her. She is like family. It has been a privilege to play a small part in her journey.

One person got her sister to moan at me. That was after throwing a strop when I said no thanks. It was just ridiculous

Wow, how rude!

As a disabled person I've had people admit they helped me for an ego boost basically. I think that's why a few people have got really pushy when I declined their help

Well I've voted that you're being unreasonable, but even if you're correct the recipient will benefit.

This sounds more like a reflection of your feed on social media than anything. I don't really have friends who go round constantly boasting about their good deeds. Maybe you just need new friends?

So just all on the net then. Still nothing from real life.

You didn't give an example OP. Go on, one example from real life.

Otherwise it's just more word soup/AI slop.

I think you're wrong. I think there are many more people engaged in the sort of quiet compassion that you're probably unaware of - acts of kindness towards their neighbours, tireless volunteering in the community, private donations etc. They just don't make a big song and dance of it so you wouldn't necessarily be aware that it's happening.

Yes, there will always be a few that make ostentatious gestures because they want attention, but actually, I think they are the minority.

Social mead is advertising and promoting good acts is likely to lead to more of them. As is SM doing the opposite. I hate people doing shitty crap for likes like giving random women flowers (yuk) but doing good things, the recipient not included? Great, carry on.

I think some people do stuff because they are trying to fix stuff thats pissing them off. Like those people going around cleaning graffiti off road signs etc. i would do a beach clean up to try to make it nicer (for me primarily, I want clean beaches). Definitely some charity stuff is very performative but tbh as I’ve got older they why doesn’t matter as much as something getting done. Some people do stuff to make friends etc, some want to look good, some do it for religious reasons. Main thing is something good comes of it.

But no I don’t really believe in true altruism.

There's no shift OP. There is no growth.

The vast majority of good work is and always has been quietly done but there have always been big displays of 'charity'. Statues put up to benevolent Victorians to the massive donation cheque photos in papers in the 1970s.

You don't really seem to have a point. Give us a real life example (that's not from Instagram).

I think it could be both too. I sometimes donate to people I don't know anonymously on GoFundMe, but somewhere deep inside, I wish they knew it was me, I just don't want my name everywhere online.

This, absolutely.

But by the very definition of it, your quiet kindness is not publicised so nobody gets to know about it. Ergo all you see are the "performances".

Are you complaining that you don't see acts of unpublicised compassion?

Oh. Tricky as I answered your title (YABU to think most people help others for the ego boost) but then the question in your OP would get the opposite answer (YANBU to think real compassion is quiet).

So your vote is going to be a right mix of people answering the 2 completely opposing questions.

Millions of people volunteer OP - litter pickers who pick up rubbish on daily dog walks, people who garden for the National Trust, run scout groups, visit hospitals, school readers, local councillors. None of it gets reported, most of it is unseen.

Do you go looking for those people OP or just surf Instagram?

Op, not only are you being unreasonable, your suggestion is daft.

I used to volunteer for a search team. My colleagues didn't turn out in all weathers to help people having the worst day of their life for an ego boost. No ego boost spending g six hours in rain and dark to recover human remaIns. Most of us did it because we knew how the family were feeling.

Give your head a wobble.

You mean like the people who publicly do good deeds like giving to homeless people? Then post it?
its frustrating the same day i buy a homeless chap some milkshake chat to him for a few minutes and gave him the pound from my trolly a Facebook friend of mine produces an entire collage of pictures from her buying him a sandwich introducing him to her son who then became upset and said we must do something for him mummy! So off they go to reach out to charity's to help him find a home and get support and all this drama publicly placed out there for all to see so everyone knows she is a "good person" two year later he is STILL on the streets the people who support the homeless knew about him and are still supporting him he is happy on the streets for the most part Has friends to stay with in really bad weather is mostly fed and cared for by the community but her publicly putting it out there really made me cringe she shops elsewhere now so she avoids him it's just so public help people if you want but dont slap their face around with your "generosity" if your going to stop once the praise does, personally i still give him the odd pound and milkshake not because I need the thanks or the karma points but because that's my nature

What is it with these 'kindness is actually the avoidance of confrontation' and 'helping out is for the ego boost' threads?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5441424-to-think-kindness-is-overrated-its-often-just-cowardice-in-disguise?reply=148417799