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Original poster

AIBU to think fiancée meeting another woman and lying about it crosses a line?

62 replies

Middlelifecrisis · 09/11/2025 13:15

Apologies in advance for a very long post.

I have been with my fiancée for over 20 years now, we got engaged a long while ago but never married (did not feel the need to, our mutual choice).

Our relationship is generally ok however we are both very busy and I started to notice we are drifting apart for a while. Some of that was due to both of us not prioritizing time together enough. He works Monday to Saturday and I work Monday to Friday. Due to the nature of my finances work he finishes very late in the week (10pm, sometimes later) Sundays were always ‚our’ day we usually spend doing something together. Our sex life isn’t great at the moment, I have a very low libido due to combination of me being on the pill for 30 years and my brain always overthinking everything which does bring my arousal down, and I struggle to get in the mood a lot of the times. He doesn’t always care for foreplay or creating a mood ‚for my head’, which sometimes leads to painful sex for me as I’m not quite aroused enough but he does frequently complain we don’t have sex enough. He has a very healthy sex drive.

He has met a girl a while ago through his work as she was his customer, she is significantly younger thank both of us (late 20s, we are both in early 40s). I guess from there they started getting closer and started chatting frequently on the phone and over messages. Previously and as far as I know they have always met in a group of friends together from my OH work. She is very attractive, fit, obviously very young, very well done (extensions, lashes, lips, facial aesthetics, boobs, typical ‚Instagram’ and OF aesthetic),l, she does quite a lot of influencing work and she frequently posts photos in very risqué outfits, showing a lot of flesh, if you got it you flaunt it and I seriously don’t blame her, that’s how she gets work although it’s not to my taste, I know men do like that kind of very out there visuals.

My fiancé liked all of the photos and posts on her IG. He has a professional account and doesn’t post anything private.

He is thinking of leaving work and opening his new business. I know the girl has been helping him a bit with that, drafting some emails for him to send, stuff like that. I was a little bit hurt tbh that he didn’t ask me because I would gladly help.

Ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind a female friendship if it was purely platonic. However what happened today left me feeling very uneasy. I was looking at my OH iPad just reviewing some photos from a holiday that we just came back from when a message popped up from this girl that she was coming downstairs. Not thinking much I clicked on the message and saw he arranged for them to meet for smoothies and a walk with her last night.

My problem is that my fiancé left not long ago telling me he was just going to run an errand and come back, so essentially he lied and did not even mention that he was going to go and see her. Messages earlier in the thread were about him not enjoying the holiday much (no mentions of me whatsoever) and that he wanted to come home already. I also found out he’s previously gone to her apartment to help her move and to the new apartment to help mount a mirror. He even text her he couldn’t sleep at night thinking the mirror will fall down. Some of the other messages from him in my view have flirty undertones (I was hoping you were missing me🤣, ‚I Don’t know who’s more lucky, you getting a promotion or me having you🤣’)

As far as I can see the messages from her side are friendly but not flirty.

I text him the screenshotted message about them meeting up now and asked him why he lied to me about where he was going, he replied with 🤦🏻.
he’s still not home.

Am I overreacting?
what would you do?

OP posts:
Luna6 · 09/11/2025 16:49

Middlelifecrisis · 09/11/2025 14:23

Leaving would be easy.
The house is in my name and I pay the full mortgage because I have a well paid job and I’m quite successful. His pay is very poor at the moment however he is working on it by opening his new business. I also contributed the full deposit so his share are just some home improvements we’ve done in the last 5 years. I also pay all of the bills and majority of the shopping which means he’s quite dependent on me for his lifestyle.
I usually also pay for all of the holidays when we go abroad. I guess that doesn’t paint quite a favorable picture.

I do love him, and our lives after 20 years together are quite enmeshed. My parents adore him. I feel scared to consider what my life would look like without him.

I am feeling very betrayed though.
you’re right though, we’ve not been happy for a while. The realization alone is very hard to reconcile.

Show quote history

It doesn't sound like he's bringing much to the table to be honest.

outerspacepotato · 09/11/2025 16:41

He's trying to line up his new gf behind your back and got caught.

Your relationship is one of familiarity and it's coming to an end.

He doesn’t always care for foreplay

Yeah, don't let the door hit that one in the ass on his way out. The things women will settle for. Let new girl have his cheating, bad sex ass.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/11/2025 16:34

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And you're just nasty

crocodilesandwich · 09/11/2025 16:26

Well done @Middlelifecrisisyou’re clearly strong. And if you start to wonder if you’re doing the right thing or he tries to minimise it, just remember that it’s his actions that got you here not yours. You deserve someone who treasures you

Catssuddenlyappear · 09/11/2025 16:09

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You sound nice ✨

Original poster
Middlelifecrisis · 09/11/2025 16:06

TidyCyan · 09/11/2025 16:00

I'm sorry. It sounds like you handled it well. My best advice is don't let him stay too long whining be has nowhere to go. He can go to family if he's willing to tell them why!

He doesn’t have any family in the UK we are both from the EU. We moved here together at the start of our relationship. He has a few friends here, I guess they might let him sofa surf for a bit.

or maybe the girl will, who knows..

OP posts:
TidyCyan · 09/11/2025 16:00

I'm sorry. It sounds like you handled it well. My best advice is don't let him stay too long whining be has nowhere to go. He can go to family if he's willing to tell them why!

Original poster
Middlelifecrisis · 09/11/2025 15:55

He came back home eventually but not straight away.

He said this was not a date and the reason he didn’t tell me about it was because he knew how I’d react, which of course I knew was gaslighting at its finest.

He didn’t really have much to say about the flirty messages to her, or about the moaning while we were on holiday that I paid for..
He said ‚I have a lot to say but I don’t want to put a blame on you know’, which I knew was about the sex so I didn’t even address it.

I was strangely calm throughout the whole thing, I think I’m just shellshocked, I didn’t even cry. There was no shouting, no drama.

I asked him why he thought his behavior was acceptable, why would he talk to her more than me, or even his best friend, or what was the outcome he was hoping for for all the calls and messages, and he didn’t really give me the answers, just sat there, and finally said ‚I’m sorry’.

He asked if I wanted him to leave and I told him to think for a minute about what he’s done and how he made me feel.

We agreed that he will sleep in a spare room for now and I’ll give him some time to sort his stuff out and find somewhere to move out.

He’s upstairs now and the house is quiet with just a sound of a 20 year relationship slowly crumbling to dust. My heart is breaking inside and I feel like I’m looking at myself from outside of my body.
I can’t really imagine my life without him in it.

Thank you for all your comments they did really put things into perspective, and yes I do feel like a clown right now.

If anyone has any post-breakup advice for a 40 year old woman I’d really appreciate it.

OP posts:
user836367392 · 09/11/2025 15:54

@Middlelifecrisis You are a catch, and he is not. Chuck him back into the sea. Please.

ChavsAreReal · 09/11/2025 15:16

Does he know sex is painful?

For this alone, Id be reconsidering things.

The rest is even worse. You subsidise him to go on holiday and he moans about it while you're there.

Dont worry about what your parents think. They're not the ones who have to live with him for the rest of their lives.

I dont entirely understand his last message to you, but it would be the nail in the coffin for me.

Dozer · 09/11/2025 15:10

Setting aside his current affair, there are additional problems with him.

He doesn’t always care for foreplay’ and you sometimes find sex with him painful. That’s awful: he sounds inconsiderate and poor in bed (at best).

You are financially subsidising him, sounds like you have been for a long time. He’s worked 6 days a week for had pay. He is only now looking to change and you’re subsidising that too.

It doesn’t matter what your parents think. They don’t have the full information about him that you do, and if they did and thought it was a good idea for you to stay with him they’d be unusual parents!

AgnesX · 09/11/2025 15:08

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And you're a git. Next?

skyeisthelimit · 09/11/2025 15:08

The sex thing is awful OP, he should not be having painful sex with you, he needs to learn more about foreplay by the sound of it.

He has crossed the line with this woman, and lied to you, and doesn't give a shit about your feelings. You are paying for everything and he treats you like this? I would think that it is over now?!

You sound in a good position, thank god you aren't married. Ask him to move out, give him a deadline and change the locks that day with bags outside if he hasn't gone by then.

I know it will be a scary thing to do, but surely you don't want to be treated like this for the rest of your life? If you decide to stay with him, then at least get him to pay 50% of all the bills and food! Stop being used by him.

ThatChristmasMug · 09/11/2025 15:04

Middlelifecrisis · 09/11/2025 14:23

Leaving would be easy.
The house is in my name and I pay the full mortgage because I have a well paid job and I’m quite successful. His pay is very poor at the moment however he is working on it by opening his new business. I also contributed the full deposit so his share are just some home improvements we’ve done in the last 5 years. I also pay all of the bills and majority of the shopping which means he’s quite dependent on me for his lifestyle.
I usually also pay for all of the holidays when we go abroad. I guess that doesn’t paint quite a favorable picture.

I do love him, and our lives after 20 years together are quite enmeshed. My parents adore him. I feel scared to consider what my life would look like without him.

I am feeling very betrayed though.
you’re right though, we’ve not been happy for a while. The realization alone is very hard to reconcile.

Show quote history

someone who is not trying to drive you wild (in the most positive term) but actually HURTS you having sex..

what exactly is he bringing to you, when you are the one financially in charge also? (not that you should accept any of it even if he was 100% the breadwinner) but what is he actually bringing you?

Just not being "single" when he's actually stopping you to meet the right person?

The13thFairy · 09/11/2025 14:58

He is not your fiance. A fiance is someone you plan to marry, and you are not planning this.

Bonniegirlie · 09/11/2025 14:54

You're not overreacting at all. Painful sex more than once due to him being bloody inconsiderate would have done it for me. With all you've written, I'd be putting him out on his ear. Especially if he didn't come home immediately to try and sort it out with you. If he stayed anyway after your text, that's just another nail in his coffin IMHO. Sounds like you're not happy anyway, but I would kick him out for sure. Good luck

TheTaupeMoose · 09/11/2025 14:53

SirRaymondClench · 09/11/2025 14:51

You were just plain nasty to the OP and now you're backtracking. Sticking the boot in, I think it's you that's projecting.

I've never been with a cock-lodger in my life thanks 😂

Show quote history

Look at your comment again. So because I said OP’s a clown, it’s me who is the man “sniffing around women half his age.” Very strong reaction in response to my comment. And only projection does this. Goodbye!

SirRaymondClench · 09/11/2025 14:51

TheTaupeMoose · 09/11/2025 14:48

I’m a woman and this is very much projection. My comment was clear, OP is a clown for putting up with all this.

I’m sorry that something’s clearly happened in your life, where you’ve dealt with cock-lodgers such as the OP described. Good luck to you in life.

Show quote history

You were just plain nasty to the OP and now you're backtracking. Sticking the boot in, I think it's you that's projecting.

I've never been with a cock-lodger in my life thanks 😂

TheTaupeMoose · 09/11/2025 14:48

SirRaymondClench · 09/11/2025 14:46

Nasty.

Doubtless you're the shit-in-bed fiancé desperately sniffing round someone half his age 🙄

Kick the cock-lodger out OP. You deserve so much better 💐

Show quote history

I’m a woman and this is very much projection. My comment was clear, OP is a clown for putting up with all this.

I’m sorry that something’s clearly happened in your life, where you’ve dealt with cock-lodgers such as the OP described. Good luck to you in life.

FuzzyWolf · 09/11/2025 14:47

Middlelifecrisis · 09/11/2025 14:23

Leaving would be easy.
The house is in my name and I pay the full mortgage because I have a well paid job and I’m quite successful. His pay is very poor at the moment however he is working on it by opening his new business. I also contributed the full deposit so his share are just some home improvements we’ve done in the last 5 years. I also pay all of the bills and majority of the shopping which means he’s quite dependent on me for his lifestyle.
I usually also pay for all of the holidays when we go abroad. I guess that doesn’t paint quite a favorable picture.

I do love him, and our lives after 20 years together are quite enmeshed. My parents adore him. I feel scared to consider what my life would look like without him.

I am feeling very betrayed though.
you’re right though, we’ve not been happy for a while. The realization alone is very hard to reconcile.

Show quote history

You ask “what would you do?” and I would tell him to leave when he gets back.

Tell him you want some time to think about things and whether you want the relationship to continue and he needs to do the same.

SirRaymondClench · 09/11/2025 14:46

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Nasty.

Doubtless you're the shit-in-bed fiancé desperately sniffing round someone half his age 🙄

Kick the cock-lodger out OP. You deserve so much better 💐

Crochetandtea · 09/11/2025 14:44

I’m so happy to read that you have the upper hand. I would enjoy telling him you’re not happy and would like to break up. Ask him to leave and watch him squirm. Bit so not give in and take him back . If he doesn’t shag this bimbo he’ll shag the first one who will have him.

crocodilesandwich · 09/11/2025 14:43

Middlelifecrisis · 09/11/2025 14:23

Leaving would be easy.
The house is in my name and I pay the full mortgage because I have a well paid job and I’m quite successful. His pay is very poor at the moment however he is working on it by opening his new business. I also contributed the full deposit so his share are just some home improvements we’ve done in the last 5 years. I also pay all of the bills and majority of the shopping which means he’s quite dependent on me for his lifestyle.
I usually also pay for all of the holidays when we go abroad. I guess that doesn’t paint quite a favorable picture.

I do love him, and our lives after 20 years together are quite enmeshed. My parents adore him. I feel scared to consider what my life would look like without him.

I am feeling very betrayed though.
you’re right though, we’ve not been happy for a while. The realization alone is very hard to reconcile.

Show quote history

So you do everything for him, including paying for his holidays and he’s on said holiday slagging it off to try and get in someone else’s knickers?! He’s checked out im sorry. Leave him now, find someone who wants to turn you on and spend time with you

Crochetandtea · 09/11/2025 14:41

He doesn’t love you anymore and he wants the younger model. Chuck him out now and change the locks. You are deserving of someone who loves you and wants to be with only you. He doesn’t and the fact he was messaging her on holiday shows such a lack of respect for your relationship. Also the Barbie doll aesthetic is very demeaning to women and so obviously fake. He should take her swimming . He might change his mid quickly when he sees what she really looks like.

Endofyear · 09/11/2025 14:36

Well he's either cheating or trying to cheat with this young woman OP. Of course meeting her in secret and lying about it is crossing a line.

But honestly, the fact that you casually say he doesn't bother with foreplay and that you find sex painful is a much bigger red flag to me - you're basically saying that he's not bothered if you're aroused at all when you have sex, has no interest in making sure that it's a pleasurable experience for both of you, not just him. I can't imagine my DH of 35 years being so selfish and uncaring. This is the real problem in your relationship.