Not to tell DH what I'll be discussing at couples therapy

Don’t waste your time and money on couples therapy - this won’t deal with the alcohol issue. This needs to be addressed before you try to save your marriage.

Don’t make a list. You already know he’ll react badly to anything you write down and he’ll use it as way to manipulate his responses in the session. He’ll also use it as a stick to beat you with if you deviate from the list (which is highly likely in therapy) and suddenly all the focus will be “well you said therapy was about this and now you’re saying it’s about that so you’ve lied”

Frankly in your position I would go therapy on my own for a while and get your own head straight first.

Presumably the therapist isn’t supposed to tell you whether or not to sell a property?

I would suggest to DH that you want to discuss better ways of communication & decision making so, for example, you can decide together how household tasks should be split. In further sessions you want to move on to be able to have calm discussions about future financial plans.

He might want to rehearse his answers so they sound plausible to a therapist. This is why I wouldn't give advance warning. If he knows what topics are going to be under discussion then he can 'get his story straight' first and also knows how and what to minimise so that YOU look like the one with the problem.

But wanting to be able to do this means that he knows there are big problems already.

Again. She needs to seek legal advice regarding her inheritance immediately. Not next month or in the new year, I mean next week. Even putting one pound from any part of it into family spending will make it "family assets". Ring fencing her inheritance is extremely important when married to an alcoholic who will eventually drink it away. He's already trying to get his hands on it by wanting to move to a house with a driveway - and OP, is he driving over the limit the next morning? You might need to invest in a breathalyser to use at home if his consumption is a bottle a night. Drink driving - loses job - can't find another/depression - drinks harder - you are trapped and screwed over.

@Artisanshoelace - sort this now. Literally not one penny should go near him/family until you have.

I don't see the harm in giving him a list with quite broad topics on it. These problems aren't a secret are they? Preparing a list may help you keep on track in the session and cover the things you want to discuss.

He sounds rather controlling

Give him this.
I want to discuss:

1. Your over- controlling demands including making me provide this list

As soon as you intermingle your inheritance by using it to buy a new home he lives him he will become entitled to 50% of it roughly on divorce. It is absolutely essential that you keep that inheritance separate from him if you don’t want to share it. And more importantly, it’s yours and you should do whatever you want with it! He sounds pretty dire…

This is an excellent idea.

If she manages to protect it her ex may get a bigger share of the matrimonial pot in the divorce to compensate as he'll have more need than she will. A judge will be looking to ensure any financial settlement leaves both parties on a level playing field able to house themselves and provide homes for the children.

I don’t think either will work tbh. If you tell him before he will get angry and defensive. If you refuse he won’t come. If you lie about the list he will likely storm out of therapy in rage.

I don’t think your marriage will survive this if he lashes out at you. Alcohol really is a devil. Don’t sell your flat either.

Go to therapy on your own first
So you clear in your mind what your future looks like

He will manipulate the session.
What are you trying to achieve with joint sessiins?

If you decide to go with then just keep some key points in your head to repeat eg "his drinking causes issues because...." "i feel xxx when he drinks " etc

A list doesn't have to bear any resemblance to what you actually say when you get there.

He sounds very hard work OP. I'd be tempted to move into the other house if I were you.

You say he knows how you feel about the drinking anyway.
So you could be honest and put that as one of them. You could also say 'difference in opinion regarding assets'. Or just tell him you don't know exactly what you will discuss and want to see what it leads on the day.

Either way you can talk about whatever you feel like. Without writing it on a list for him in advance.

You are incorrect. Inheritances fall into a grey area where it can either go into the matrimonial finances pot to be shared equally unless certain criteria are met which ensure it's hers only. Which is why the OP needs to seek legal advice immediately.

There's no way to protect her inheritance in a divorce.
All assets of both parties go into the pot to be divided as a judge sees fit unless they can agree between themselves.
If you want to protect your personal assets then don't get married.

Tell him you are going for communication issues, you are not heard.
therapy is about digging deeper, & you dont know where the delving will take you

This is why therapy with a partner who is manipulative and controlling and alcohol dependant is not advised - he will use the information to DARVO you in front of the therapist. You both need to enter therapy with the agreement to be open honest and constructive - it's fine to have a discussion about priorities but having to submit a list smacks of coercive behaviour. Its recommended you have your own individual therapy

I'd give him a list and make the last point on the list 'When I assert myself husband gets angry, shouts and tells me my points are invalid.'

Then no. Tell him to reflect on past conversations as you've tried to discuss it with him before and it was a waste of your time.

I don't think couples' therapy would be that beneficial for you. You would be better off attending therapy on your own, with a view to finding out what you want in your life for the rest of your life.

Please do not sell your inherited property. You are lucky to have an out if needed. Dont ever give it up. Many people don’t have that option. Aggressive and argumentative can escalate the more they drink. Aggressive and argumentative when trying to discuss his drinking habits is a form of abuse, and won’t get any better. Also, if he’s secretive about drinking the wine in front of his kids, could he also be hiding alcohol consumption from you? My husband does, he has a few bottles of beer and when I go to bed, has some spirits also, he thinks I don’t know, but I’m not sure which fairy he thinks gets rid of the bottles every now and then.

I'm not sure that couples therapy will stop his drinking, but it might be a good idea for him to hear from someone else that he had a drink problem.