Not to tell DH what I'll be discussing at couples therapy

I’ve known people like this, Op, they are only kind when it doesn’t cost them anything emotionally. You mention that you have generally acquiesced to his views and preferences in the past, and now that you aren’t he is being unkind to you. This feels like him showing you his true colours. Has he always been a heavy drinker? Has something changed to cause it?

You don’t need couples therapy. You need to tell your DH that the level of drinking needs to reduce and if it doesn’t you will be moving to the home you inherited. You won’t be upsizing or making financial decisions until his drinking is at a level you are comfortable with. Say it, mean it and follow through on it.

Does he accept he is an alcoholic and if so, does he want to do anything about it yet? Until his drink problem is addressed, I suspect there's little point in trying to sort out the other issues if they stem from his drinking. Al-anon might be a good source of support for you in the meantime.

Preserve your assets, you will probably need them.

Second this.

What do you want out of the therapy?

I’m guessing it is for him to recognise his drinking is a problem and change. He knows this but doesn’t agree or want to change.

I’m struggling to see how therapy can work in this case.

I agree with this.

Also: you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Therapy is not goong to make a difference. The therapist can’t make him talk or listen. Instead the therapy space will become a battlefield and he will either withdraw/sulk or fight with both you and the therapist.

Go to therapy alone to figure out what you really want. Do you want to live with a man who is pickling his brain nightly? Do you want to be wiping his arse when he becomes incontinent? Do you want to watch your children avoid him on holidays?

This.

OP, he doesn't want to talk or discuss anything. He uses miscommunication as a weapon. My XH did that and it took me many years to realize!! Read about DARVO.

When you talk, does he listen to you and try to reach an agreement? Or does he want you to feel exasperated, give up and do what he wants?

Your teens will 100% be aware that he has a drinking problem, even if he’s not physically drinking in front of them. I agree with those who suggest getting your own counselling as you are living with, and raising children with, an alcoholic.

If he's a horrible man some of the time, the lovely man times are obviously an act. I think you have sone big decisions to make. Can you do therapy on your own?

I think telling him in advance was the right thing to do. You’ve been open and reasonable and willing to work with him in the way he wanted to go about it, and you have given him the chance to do the same, and he’s reacted completely unreasonably. If he’s now refusing to go, it would have been the same if the issues had first been raised with the therapist anyway, except he’d have added in an additional complaint of “being blindsided”.

I’m sorry op. Yanbu but you can’t make him go if he won’t engage.

What you can do is decide if it’s a deal breaker (the two issues together sure would be for me) and maybe even have some individual therapy to work through that and get your thoughts clear, and ultimately I’d be telling him it’s try couples therapy or bye.

Please be aware many couples do part after therapy, but generally are clearer and able to get closure on why that is the best decision.

That’s not really true - inheritance has somewhat a special status as long as it is kept seperate and not used to support the lifestyle of the married couple / not necessary for their needs. Absolutely a lawyer can advise on the best way to keep that the case.

You think you might want a refuge from your husband? What is this all about? Haven't read the thread but this is probably the heart of the problem

I'm pretty sure that the inherited house is now a marital asset, but I do not have a legal background or infallible knowledge. Do any posters have de facto knowledge of this? This would be more helpful to the OP.

If the inherited house does turn out to be a matrimonial asset and you have kids, you need to accept that it now gets included in the 50% start point for splitting assets in a divorce. One way to get round this might be to sell it and put the money in trust for your children.

If you don't have kids, I think the quicker you divorce him, the better: I am pretty sure that when you have been married for less time without children, you get to keep more of your own contribution to the matrimonial assets.

You really need clarification on this in order to proceed in a way that minimises his share.

TBH, the inherited house is now taking a key role in your decision whether to stay or leave, which could be good, if he's a shit husband and you need the kick up the arse to leave him, or it could be bad, if the house precipitates you exiting a marriage which could be salvaged.

I personally think (and you don't need to agree) that the biggest problem here is that your husband is an alcoholic and needs to address this. If he can stop drinking, you will have a better picture of how desirable he is as a life partner.

Im not sure. He might be very scared of what you plan to say, to the point that he can't cooperate with the counselling process. Eg he might think you are wanting to divorce now. Could you say that you want to talk about his drinking and also the fact that you have a conflict going on about the question of moving house and selling the inherited property? It doesn't sound that bad.

Your list could be something like:

• alcohol and its effects on our marriage
• lack of agreement on future plans
• controlling behaviour

Then you get away from writing any detail, or examples, and it sounds like those topics are what you'd like to discuss

You're much better off going for individual counselling. Not couples.

But see a solicitor first to find out ALL your options.

On that basis, if he won't confront his drinking issue, then the sad truth is the Op might best to get of the marriage contract whilst he is still functional enough to work and financially provide for himself.

You are in a controlling abusive relationship with an alcoholic.
He wants your inheritance to go into a marital asset to prevent you from having any options to leave.
He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.
His wanting a list is just more control.

I think YOU need more therapy to figure out your future and admitting the truth to yourself.
As for your children not knowing EXACTLY what is going on, please!

Your children know what is going on.
You cannot cover that up.

He uses anger to shut you down.
You have yourself bent out of shape walking on eggshells trying not to upset him.

Therapy is NEVER recommended when abuse is a factor in a relationship, and you are 100% being abused.

Far better you look at seeing a divorce solicitor and get legal advice.

You should start by asking him to leave the family home due to his abuse and drinking.

You cannot save this marriage.
His priority is drink, controlling and dominating you and the home, limiting your options.

Your priority should be protecting your children and getting him out of a home where his abuse and drinking dominates the whole family.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Abuse thrives in secrecy.

Therapy is only helpful when you're both open to it, he wants a list then he'll refuse to go if you mention his drinking Op. He hides it from your DC, he certainly won't want to admit it too a stranger. All your problems start with his drinking, unless he'll admit that he drinks too much it will get worse. Don't sell that flat, it's your emergency bolthole if things get worse, he probably knows that which is why he wants you to sell.

Make a list but the only thing on the list should be "When i bring up our issues you shout and dismisss me"

His attitude towards the therapy, his demands that you provide a list, the fact that he's clearly an alcoholic, plus the fact that you're considering lying to him about the list or pretending it's advised not to discuss in advance what you're planning to bring up, the fact that you're half-planning an exit strategy... Tbh all of this indicates to me that splitting is a foregone conclusion and therapy will be antagonistic, painful and pointless.