Not to tell DH what I'll be discussing at couples therapy

@Owly11 If his excessive drinking is causing problems in the family, then OP asking him to cut down is not "criticising him all the time". It's a perfectly reasonable request, an essential one in fact.

You say she should "look at her own behaviour", but as far as I can see, her behaviour has mostly been meekly acquiescing to her DH because he gets angry and shouts whenever he doesn't get his own way, and she doesn't like arguments.

OP, I think you should arrange for therapy on your own, to pick apart your complicated feelings about your relationship, and to help you see a way out if that's the way you decide to go.

Your DH clearly sees therapy sessions as a battleground where he has to "win". That's only going to make things worse.

I am going to go against the grain here. It sounds to me that you want to take him to couples therapy to change him and you are seeing him as the cause of all the problems in the relationship. Couples therapy is never about only one person being the problem - you are both involved in the dynamic and it sounds as if the dynamic is you as critic/judge/blamer and him as feeling blamed/defensive/deflecting. The alcohol may be related to this as drinking too much can be a way of getting relief from unbearable feelings of being unworthy and responsible for other people's feelings. 6 or 7 bottles of wine a week is heavy drinking for sure, but it's also not that far away from the realm of what a lot of middle class people in certain professions drink. You say he wants you to sell your inheritance for the marriage - not an unreasonable request in a happy marriage where both parties are working together towards a shared goal. You have different goals but that doesn't make his automatically unreasonable. He wanted to know the 'list' because he wanted to know what he was going to be charged with in what he sees as an unfair court where he will be prosecuted, tried and convicted without a jury. I think you need to look deep - do you want to save this marriage or not? If so, you will need to look at your own behaviour as well as his. You may need to back off from criticising him all the time to trying to understand him more to develop some emotional intimacy. As he starts to feel less blamed/judged he may start to be more open to explore your marriage problems in a mutual way. I think you could try again with couples counselling but make it clear to him that counselling is not about blame and that it is about both of you, and let him choose the therapist so he feels comfortable with the person. Perhaps a male therapist would be the way forward.

Oh OP, the fact that he can abstain from alcohol doesn’t mean he’s not an alcoholic. I’m an alcoholic and went months at a time sober… the issue was that when I did start drinking again I couldn’t limit myself. Being able to stop doesn’t mean it’s not an issue. At AA many consider the threshold for alcoholism to be whether it negatively impacts you and those around you when you drink. Which his does.

He’s also abusive to you when you bring up his drinking. That’s a big flashing sign of an alcoholic because he’s defensive because you’re endangering his ability to drink. He doesn’t want that because above all other things he wants to drink alcohol.

Definitely go to Al-Anon. You having wine every so often doesn’t mean you can’t join.

I don’t think refusing to share the reasons will work productively for your therapy. If the reason you won’t tell him is because you don’t trust him to actually turn up or engage productively with the topics if he’s “prepared”, the therapy is pretty much doomed from the start. Catching him on the back foot won’t suddenly make him any more honest and reasonable about the issues. It will just make him defensive and be less productive.

@Artisanshoelace, You sound very aware of where your relationship stands, as you said in your 2nd to last post, you would be prepared to move from your beloved home if he showed he cared about you enough. From what you have described he sounds like when you challenge him on his “faults” it becomes a competition, a list of your faults, angry, manipulative & you feel undermined as you cant find the words to defend yourself. This is very frequently the case in EA. One partner is dominant & undermines the other’s self confidence.
I imagine he is jolly & helpful for other “onlookers”, family & friends, but rarely for you ?

I would however press on, & say everyone has their failures, but I am specifically worried about X Y Z. If you cant accept and least consider that these issues are real to me, I will be going to see someone for myself, to see how I feel about remaining unheard.

Therapy for him is being judged, He doesn't want criticism. He is just dandy living his life as is. You are to there make him look the part.
This is why he says the therapist will be on your side. Big boy has no interest in changing. Accepting he is wrong. or taking responsibility for his actions

Tell him that he can find another therapist if he thinks this one is going to be against him. The therapy bit isn't negotiable. And the fact that he is reacting to the list that he asked for is proof that therapy is required

Don't drink with him. Seize this opportunity to concentrate on your own well being, concentrate on your fitness and friends and health and well being. Let him really see that you mean business and are putting yourself and your health FIRST. Shake it up a bit and try to get him to a couples dance class and if it is no, no, no, go yourself. Or whatever it is that you would love to get into.

Life is too short to go down with someone who is beginning to only care about themselves and their next drink.

Alcohol makes lovely people not nice people. He has a choice to make and if he refuses to make it, make sure it is his problem alone, not yours.

It’s not a work meeting with an agenda. The point is to have time to think about how you communicate and ways to improve that, not to tick boxes on a list.

Alternatively, say you’ll consider it for future sessions if for this one he will write a list of what he THINKS you are going to say and what worries him about therapy.

From your updates especially about the anger and denial and how he is trying to control the situation I would agree don't go with him. Do individual therapy so you can get your own mind clearer and get legal advice asap as others have said. You don't want to look back at this period as a time you missed an opportunity to get out. I also don't think debating whether he is technically and alcohol or not is helpful. His alcohol is causing a lot of problems and a technical definition isn't really what you need. He is a problematic drinker who is not doing what he should be doing because of his alcohol

Being able to go without alcohol for a few days doesn’t mean he isn’t an alcoholic. That is too simplistic. He will sound very convincing (because he believes it himself) that he drinks because he wants to. But that want has probably become a compulsion.

Are you prepared to make couples therapy an ultimatum? What will you do if he says no? If it is carry on as normal, he knows this so why should he change.

I very rarely advise pp to just LTB, but after what you've posted, I actually would. He's not going to quit drinking and it's only going to get worse. You've got another house, I'd take your kids and move into it. It MAY be the wake-up call he needs to finally address his behaviour, tho I wouldn't bank on it. And definitely get counselling just for yourself, get your voice back!

Another vote against couples therapy. My understanding is that couples therapy is NOT recommended when there is coercion or abuse. Your description sounds near to both of those.

If you see your inherited property as a possible safe place for you in future then a solicitor may be a better port of call.

I’d say to him that therapy is a deal breaker for you and that he must attend if he wants to save your marriage.
Suggest that you can discuss with the therapist the idea of him having a list of items to talk about ahead of each session - I’m sure they’ll say it’s a bad idea!
Also suggest that if his drinking is insignificant in the scene of your marriage, the therapist will be able to confirm that for him - they won’t!

Why would you want to go to couple's therapy with a functioning alcoholic who is lazy at best and abusive at worst?

Spend your money on a good solicitor and get a divorce instead.

He’s not lovely OP.

He has a mask that he wears for everyone else….

Look: you may or may not also have a problem with alcohol. That is your problem to solve. Don’t get drawn into tit for tat. The marriage is dead already but playing moral one upmanship over the drinking is mangling the corpse.

He's not a lovely man.
He's a street angel and a house alcoholic that has his wife ground down and bent out of shape humouring him and keeping the peace.

I feel so sorry for your children.
An alcoholic for a father and a bullied mother who is completely in denial as to the impact this awful man is having on everyone.

No, he isn't. He is a horrible man who is lovely sometimes.

Stop saying he’s a lovely man!!! He ISNT he is a functioning alcoholic who is also domestically abusive!! The control he wants over you to even know what you are thinking and talking to other people about? That is not normal! That is not lovely it is abusive!!!
please speak to women’s aid and go and see a counsellor ALONE who is also a domestic abuse specialist

Do not let yourself be pressured into selling that property, OP, and take the other poster’s advice about seeing a lawyer to investigate whether there’s any way to keep it from becoming a marital asset.

Your DH is controlling as well as an alcoholic. I’m sorry to say I don’t think couples therapy is going to help. It never does when one party is an addict or any kind. His main motivation is to defend himself, not to listen and change.

I hope that the counselling can be helpful for you, to realise that you don’t need to accommodate his rigidity and demands and you don’t need to tiptoe around not upsetting him re: the drinking. I think you are very wise to consider the inherited property a potential bolt hole.

fake...he is routinely very kind and thoughtful to others

Bullies abusers...they are often so nice outside the home to others
It just means they can contrrol behaviour but do not make effort where they know they get away with it with no consequences