Not to tell DH what I'll be discussing at couples therapy

Stop with the conversation about alcohol unless you enjoy banging your head on a wall. Go to Al Anon. It’s free (save your money on couples therapy - it would be pouring money down a drain) and will open your eyes to the futile nature of trying to get someone to drink less. It will also give you clarity on how to move forward.

OP he is drinking when working? At the moment he is holding it together but it is a house of cards that could tumble at any time, leaving him without a job etc…

Honestly, how much do you want counselling to repair the marriage or to be able to say you tried so you can walk away? How long have you been asking for counselling?

If the latter, you don’t need it. You are living with an overbearing alcoholic. You are fully justified in ending the relationship. If the inherited house is nearby, move into it and start divorce proceedings.

@Artisanshoelace How can an alcoholic be lovely? Not a great husband or parent. A terrible role model too. You cannot avoid arguments with damaged people. He needs to agree to stop drinking first - I cannot see how therapy will help if he doesn’t want to change. Dragging him there and dumping on him won’t work and therapy for couples doesn’t work like this either. He will be asked what his position is about you and what he thinks the issues are. He’ll probably lie but this session isn’t going to be just about you. It’s not as if he cannot guess what you want to say and you are both dancing on a pinhead around alcoholism. So why not spell it out!?

@SalmonOnFinnCrisp He knows she has the house! That’s why he wants it sold to buy a bigger one. Having said that, in normal circumstances I’d agree with that. Letting it out is a disaster with the law changes coming up. That’s a foolish thing to do. I’d see a solicitor about passing the inheritance to dc after it’s sold. Cut op and dh out altogether.

Id be amazed that he didn’t know what op wants to discuss. Of course he knows. It’s the drinking and consequent behaviour. So in my view, a one word list is fine. Either alcoholism or drinking. Everything stems from that. I think I’d go straight for divorce though. This situation isn’t going to improve and op needs to keep her inheritance.

Yanbu.

When you say "no" you say "the whole point of this is that there are things I cannot discuss with you without you becoming angry and argumentative and there's no point trying to discuss them without a neutral third party to help us. I am not going to trigger a row with you by starting the conversation outside the sessions we have agreed to"

The only reasons he could want this info in advance is either so that he can just refuse (on whatever grounds - you've already discussed it, he won't change it etc) or so that he can practice his responses in advance/formalise his defence in his head

I would definitely not tell him in advance.

I don't think that the OP is taking him there to change him, rather to mediate the situation as the drinking and selling the house are not going to work for her

You are here now at the tipping point.

His drinking is badly out of hand he is drinking 70+ units a week that you know of..

Tell him he needs to attend the therapy session its VERY important to you and its an hour of his time. If it IS a waste of time so what? He will have made his wife happy. If he cant manage to do something he knows is so imortant to you, he should know you will take it as a sign regarding the marriage.

Separarely - Tell him he is free to present you with alternate therapists (shortlist of 3 and all must gave qualifications) ypu are happy to switch but youd like to a choice and you want to at least start with the one you have found.

DO NOT SELL YOUR INHERITED HOUSE until this is resolved. Stamp duty alone in case of divorce makes it an awful idea.
And do make it a priority to resolve this.

Kicking it into the weeds (or allowing to) would be a big mistake.

Please keep that appointment and go alone if needs be (it will be helpful even if a solo session)

Separately see a solicitor about that house.

If my husband told me to sit in a room for a hour or our marriage was in jeopardy i'd do it. If he wont... he is telling you something.

Wow OP, you are in serious denial. It is so far beyond normal and healthy to be drinking a bottle of wine a night every night, or 6 nights out of 7.

Normalising excessive drinking isn't going to help. He is drinking between 54 and 60 units a week, which is 50+ units over recommended guidelines.

Normalising excessive drinking isn't going to help. He is drinking between 54 and 60 units a week, which is 50+ units over recommended guidelines.

See a solicitor and protect the inheritance for now. That will give you a) time to observe your marriage objectively and get therapy with or without him. b) you can change your mind and unravel the arrangement to keep it separate later.

When all that's done, you can pursue couples counselling and if necessary tell him exactly why you have separated assets because you are not confident that the marriage is going to last.

Tell him that you now want to discuss the fact he is being controlling by asking for a list in advance, in addition to the other stuff that you are perfectly entitled not to talk to him about outside of a therapy session.

Don't agree to a written list!!! Typically, the conversations will be free-ranging depending on what is uncovered in each session based on BOTH of your contributions and observations. You can't control or predict what will be raised so dismiss the expectation that she conversation can or will be limited to specific issues. That's simply not how therapy works, especially with more than one patient.

Normally I'd say yes, DO recap for him verbally the broad concerns that you have and ask him to do the same for you. Focus on how the behaviour or the situation negatively impacts you/the relationship, rather than just saying it's wrong of him to do it. But this: From experience he will just get angry if I do and start shouting about why my points are invalid is worrying; can you agree to sit down together at a convenient time and go through the issues each of you wants to raise, with the advanced agreement that you don't expect to solve these issues during that conversation (that's what the therapy is for) but just to make sure you both have a clear idea of why the therapy is needed? Maybe agree in advance to hear each other out fully without interrupting or raising voices?

If he CANNOT discuss differences of opinion or disagreements with you without shouting and going into denial, it's worth reconsidering the therapy. If he recognises that his yelling and non-communication are a problem and wants help, the couples therapy MIGHT help but it's also possible that therapy for his own issues would be a better first step. In a case where there's a pattern of emotional abuse (I'm not saying that's the case here, but if he always yells and denies when the two of you disagree, or if he's making it so uncomfortable that you hesitate to communicate honestly with him/raise issues that are important to you, or he's bullying you over things like the property sale when you've clearly said no then it's worth considering), couples therapy is typically discouraged and a good therapist may not continue.

Protect your property. He plainly wants to ensure that you don’t.

Random legal page advice, but you do need a solicitor :

https://www.bowcockpursaill.co.uk/news-blog/how-to-protect-inheritance-during-divorce-proceedings/

Maybe not give him a written list but given the agreement was he’d go if you tell him the things being discussed he’s within his rights to ask what you’re bringing up.

I’m not saying that approach is right but you did agree to it, or at least I assume you did from your post.

I'm not sure any reputable therapist would continue to see a couple after an initial session made it clear that one of them was an alcoholic, any more than they would if the relationship was abusive.

Do not sell your property and if you let it out keep any money you make separate in an account in just your name. In the case if a possible future divorce that is very important. Inheritance does not get shared in a divorce providing it has already been separate and not merged with marital money in joint bank account.

One way to protect inherited assets (current rules, could change in budget) is a deed of variation passing part or all of your inheritance directly to your DC, see a solicitor for advice - there is a time limit.

Just read the updates, he does not want to stop drinking, and does not intend to stop drinking and therefore will not stop drinking. Just give him the ultimatum instead of plodding on for months.

Why not tell him that if he doesn't stop drinking or cut down that you intend to seriously consider leaving and want to keep the inherited house to move to?
Why do you need a therapist since that appears to be the situation?
BTW I don't think letting the house is a realistic option if you think you might want to move to it, once you have a tenant it will be a long haul to get the house empty - and do you really want the hassle of being a landlord given you probably have a busy family life? I would sell it and keep the money safe in your name (perhaps for deposits for the DC later).
PS IME most counsellors/therapists are not particularly helpful, and I have seen several, so I am cynical about the commonly held belief that counselling is a solution to life problems.

I think it’s time to say that.

Six months to see how things go is fine Op but don't let it drag on too long if he doesn't change. Too much drinking can cause a sudden dramatic health problem, if that happens you'll be more likely to get emotionally blackmailed into staying

OP, you desperately need to educate yourself about alcoholism if you think not drinking for a few days negates it.

He is an alcoholic and the likelihood of severe health problems could result in you being a carer to an abusive alcoholic.

I think you are going to be very surprised at how your children will review their childhood.

It certainly won't be without telling you that it was an Alcoholic home and all the hidden trauma that inflicts on children.

Don't fall for false promises.
Get legal advice so you and the children can be financially secure while he is still working.

Leaving him as a sick Alcoholic would make a divorce more complex.

Go visit your GP and ask theif view on his 7-9 bottles a week.

I love my wine, I drink every weekend and what you describe is total Alcoholic drinking, which he has done for decades.

His health could turn any time, and where will you be left?