Is what my Mum said I appropriate?

@clickyteeclick why the need to lie? Grandma said you looked lovely.

I would just continue to make it clear that she should never make these comments to dd but otherwise I would forget about it.

MN is pretty obsessed with childhood and adult obesity. It's difficult, you should never say it in front of a child, or ever really unless asked. My eldest GD is overweight, she's got a MPA and at 10 has started her periods. It's nice to see the weight coming off, we comment between us. They are self conscious. My GD is slightly olive skinned (mixed heritage from my side), her very pale white friend, says she wants my GDs skin colour, my GD wants one of her friends straight hair, one of her friends loves my GD thick, wavy hair. We can pretend appearances don't matter but they are on everyone's radar, particularly when young. Just make it clear that it never gets said in her earshot and you should have pointedly asked what she thought about her dancing.

My mum too. If she's relaying a story to me about someone it will always include a comment on how they look. If the person is thin, it leads to sympathy and understanding - 'my hair dresser Rachel, you know lovely Rachel, she's just a little slip of a thing. She made a mistake paying her tax and now she's being fined, it's so awful.' If the person is fat, it's more like 'my hairdresser Rachel, you know - she's a big girl, always struggled there. She hasn't paid her tax. So silly, she ought to know better when she runs her own business.'

It's grating in the extreme and fucked me up as a teenager! But at least she's learned to restrain herself around my children.

As said in other posts. Just a clumsy attempt at a compliment. I couldn’t be arsed getting worked up about this. I hope the row wasn’t conducted in front of your dd, or made the end of the occasion awkward, because that would have been worse for your dd. I think once over 80 you have to cut someone a bit of slack because their brain doesn’t always connect with their mouth quick enough to stop stuff coming out in a jumbled up way.

and no, @clickyteeclick it is not an appropriate comment to make to anyone let alone a child.

Did she say this in front of your DD? If so, that’s out of order. If not, then I’d not got so het up as to have an argument with her - which presumably also happened in front of your DD thus making the whole thing a much bigger issue for her.

As a 73yr-old Granny, I've learnt that sometimes when I open my mouth stuff comes out that should have stayed in, it's as though filters are disappearing along with birthdays. Some comments should stay as thoughts and this one was definitely one of those - I'd have been mortified once I realised how hurtful the comment had come across (even though it probably didn't start it's journey like that). I suppose you had a row which spoilt the evening and your daughter heard it all? I received a quick lesson from my daughter who pointed out that I must be more tactful - I took it on board and now I'm much more aware of what I say in front of the family (I still let rip with friends and they seem to be immune). I've learnt to think... WAIT (Why Am I Talking) and that gives my mouth time to slam shut if needed. I hope you can sort it out with your mum.

Does your mother have a history of 'negging' or making negative comments which are often inappropriate rather than having any focus on praise? Was she like this throughout your own childhood? If so, then what you have described would be triggering for most people and that probably why it's taken you back a bit.

Ordering MN to 'discuss' is inappropriate.

My mum is obsessed with my daughter’s weight and appearance. They are both slim and beautiful. Tbh if they weren’t I don’t think she would like them as much. It’s sad and annoying but my mum is appearance obsessed and very judgy about it (she comments on everyone’s weight). Luckily she doesn’t comment in front of the girls. I just ignore her and change the subject.

No idea why people would think this is an acceptable thing to say to a child, especially when they'd just done a brave brilliant thing. OP you protect your child from your mother's comments, it's more important how your daughter feels about herself. My mother is similarly insensitive, e.g. asked me if I had another baby inside me a few days post partum. They do just have to be told not to say things and that it's not appropriate.

I would make sure that woman NEVER and I mean NEVER sees my child again!! Comments by relatives - and it only needs to be one - are why I had eating disorders from the age of 8 and nearly died going down to 4 stone when I was a teenager

When I watched my children and dgc all I watch is them.
The performance of others means nothing.
Just because you’re seeing signs of emotional maturity through dance doesn’t discount your mom seeing physical maturity.

If she’s never been fat since a tiny baby what did your mother mean?

maybe she was very skinny and has filled out a little and looks strong and healthy now? It’s hard to say what she meant.

FWIW I think it’s fine to say fat is fat. Obesity is the most serious health issue we’re facing atm and letting kids get fat (yes by feeding them too much crap) is on the verge of abuse. People need to be accountable and look after their children’s health, not so they look good in a dance costume (which I actually don’t like but that’s just my opinion) but so they have the chance to grow into healthy active adults. It saddens me the amount is overweight kids I see shuffling about.

No, not appropriate - focusing on her figure and appearance rather than her talent, effort, perseverance etc. is shit, and the kind of thing that can lead to disordered eating and an unhealthy relationship with exercise if it's heard too much.

Some women just can't seem to help themselves. My mother and MIL are both the same - they're both lovely people in other respects but they comment on other women's weight and appearance as easily as they breathe, without it even occurring to them not to. Both of them prioritise thinness over any other attribute, and both of them assume thinness = goodness.

I've had to speak to them both about it since I have daughters. I'll never change their attitudes, they're too entrenched, but my husband and I have had earnest conversations with them about how comments on weight, bodies, appetites, portions etc. around our daughters won't be tolerated, and they are both pretty good at sticking to that rule.