Is what my Mum said I appropriate?

My grandma often made comments about my body to my mum as I was growing up that were basically a veiled criticism of her parenting and domestic competence, and I developed an eating disorder as a teenager. I was never overweight. I still have a critical inner voice that sounds like my grandma. You were absolutely right to pull your mum up on it and keep pulling her up on it every time it happens. It is never appropriate to comment on a child's 'figure', whether you mean it positively or not.

Generational thing. My mother will value your figure above all else about you. Very sad.

You were right to pull her up on it. I wouldn't be in a hurry to bring spiteful gran to the next concert.

There is definitely a generation of older women who think have a ‘slim figure’ is some sort of moral achievement.

It’s from having internalised misogyny from their post war upbringing. My mother in her 90s still watches the tv and comments on women, not for their journalistic skills or how talented they are, but on their ‘figure’ (hate that word <shudder>) and their ‘feminine’ clothes.

I challenge my mother every time, which is ironic, as it’s her that championed 70s feminism that so inspired me. I guess the internalised cultural stuff is so much harder to root out.

Yanbu to be upset about this on your DD’s behalf. Don’t let old fashioned attitudes ruin the achievement and the pleasure you got from seeing your dd perform. 💐

I remember my late teen DD going to a family event a couple of days after she had been in hospital and had lost a ridiculous amount of weight …. going from a low BMI to verging on a dangerous one, skeletal. We were very worried about her …. this daft old aunt ran up to her “oh darling you look incredible” FFS 😡

Is this research for an article?

I honestly don’t know. If my mum says something I don’t agree with, I just tell her on the spot. All this harbouring of resentment and the potential of going NC feels ridiculous.

“Mum, do you mind?”
“Sorry love, didn’t mean it that way.”

And all is fine again.

She was positive about the thing she noticed most. A lot of people focus on the appearance of girls and women before their skill and talent. It's part of the norms of our society and has been for a very long time. Some of us are trying to change it, but you don't rid people of their habits of a lifetime easily. I'd have just replied 'it's her dancing that matters mum not her figure. What did you think of that?' and similar each time she is appearance focused.

I think it is a generation thing. My mum absolutely cannot relay any information that involves other humans without making a totally unneccesary negative comment on their weight. Equally, she always provides commentary on how much others eat. My aunts are similar, as are their husbands. Literally had one make me a coffee, not ask how I take it, but hand me a cup of black with no sugar and say "i can tell how you like your coffee from how lovely and trim you are" 🤮

Mine too she’s 83.

Not great. My DM who is in her 80s always finds ways of telling me I'm fat without saying fat. However over the last year, I have lost 5 stone. I see her regularly. She first commented on the weight loss about 2 weeks ago. Is it a generation thing?

She sounds just like my Mum OP so I sympathise. Shes forever banging on about weight. I had two eating disorders in my 20’s (that she still doesn’t believe in!) and sometimes when looking at old photos she’ll go ‘gosh look how slim you were, do you ever miss it?’ 🫠
I have two kids and she’ll often remark on other kids she deems ‘fat’ when we’re out and about, I’m constantly pulling her up on it as I just hate it.
I have no advice as it always becomes a row with us too, but you have my sympathy!

It’s horrible OP and I would have had a row as well.

Im surprised so many on here think it’s an acceptable way to talk to a 10 year old.

So many women put so much worth on appearance/weight/perceived attractiveness.

My MIL and her mate used to fawn over one of my DDs … who was ‘girly’ and slim. Barely glanced at my other DD who was more of a leggings and t shirt kind of girl and a bit heavier. Used to wind me up no end, they pick up on all this and it’s damaging.

She bases her worth on her body shape rather than her achievements,talent or resilience.

Sounds like something my husbands grandmother would say. To a degree, his mum is similar too but I’ve shot her down enough by now that she knows damn well not to comment on my children’s weight/size. Can’t help herself when it comes to others though!
My youngest is 8 months, a beautiful little girl, in size 9-12 months so slightly over ‘average’ but nothing that sticks out exactly. GMIL ‘oh well it’s okay, she’ll fine down when she starts moving more, she won’t be so large then!’ like wtf. She’s fucking perfect as she is, she’s a BABY. I was raging 😂 everyone always comments on the size of my eldest too (who is a whopper for his age it’s true, but in proportion. Just incredibly tall and broad) and it doesn’t sit well with me, but less offensive I think maybe because it’s a ‘positive’ for a boy. I don’t know. It’s a minefield.