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Original poster

Is what my Mum said I appropriate?

121 replies

clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 07:02

At a dance show with my youngest who is 10. She danced in front of 100 plus people. She’s very self concious and shy and did brilliantly. As we were clapping while she came off stage my mum said…. “Her figure is lovely, compared to what she used to be like”. Nothing about the dance…. Discuss 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Cycleaway · 09/11/2025 09:41

In the context of her age, it’s probably a compliment in her head. My mum is like this too. It doesn’t make it right, but you also probably won’t persuade her that she was wrong to have said it. Don’t invite her next time

landlordhell · 09/11/2025 09:38

Thing is we all know so much more these days about our mental health, body image etc that wasn’t given much importance in previous generations and it caused damage. That’s not to say we do t have an obesity epidemic but this fascination with weight , in particular girls’ bodies is just wrong; it lasts a lifetime. I hope your DD didn’t hear her op .

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 09:35

Goldenboxes · 09/11/2025 09:20

I think you were right to have the row.
Her response that you have always been sensitive says so much.

Inappropriate remarks about the bodies of girls and boys are usually at the root of eating disorders. Some can be traced back to early childhood.

I really think you need to have another private word with your mother to make your position crystal clear to her.

If she doesn't respect that, you need to put your children first and step back.

That she would continue to makes remarks after you have been very clear to her about your wishes, would mark her out as toxic.
Do not tolerate it.

Thank you so much. After being told my entire life by her that I’m too sensitive I said to her yesterday that perhaps I’m not sensitive but if she didn’t say things to offend people or say things that are rude and inappropriate I wouldn’t be told it all my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 09:33

LadyKenya · 09/11/2025 09:14

Best to wait until they are a Woman, and then it is fair game🤔

Show quote history

No of course that’s not what she is saying at all? But it is definitely more detrimental to say it to a young girl/teenager then they’re not fully developed and are more susceptible to eating disorders.

OP posts:
Goldenboxes · 09/11/2025 09:20

I think you were right to have the row.
Her response that you have always been sensitive says so much.

Inappropriate remarks about the bodies of girls and boys are usually at the root of eating disorders. Some can be traced back to early childhood.

I really think you need to have another private word with your mother to make your position crystal clear to her.

If she doesn't respect that, you need to put your children first and step back.

That she would continue to makes remarks after you have been very clear to her about your wishes, would mark her out as toxic.
Do not tolerate it.

landlordhell · 09/11/2025 09:15

They are the calorie counting, diet cup a soup generation.

landlordhell · 09/11/2025 09:14

Bambamhoohoo · 09/11/2025 09:07

My MIL would (and does) say the same. She has a terrible, unhealthy attitude to weight. I suspect many women of that generation have eating disorders.

I think you’re right. I was walking behind a couple of women yesterday. They were in 70s/80s and talking about weight loss jabs. One said ‘ people just need to eat far less, today I fancied an apple but I only allowed myself half.’ 😂😂😂😂

LadyKenya · 09/11/2025 09:14

lynnebenfieldshandbag · 09/11/2025 07:24

This is the kind of shit my eating-disordered mother comes out with and it drives me mad. Talking about a young girl’s “figure” is completely inappropriate and unhelpful.

Best to wait until they are a Woman, and then it is fair game🤔

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/11/2025 09:11

clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:30

My mother-in-law was there too who is in her 80’s and after she finished her dance said “well she mastered that didn’t she. Absolutely fabulous”. So maybe not all can be tarred with the same brush!

Show quote history

I’m sure you’re right about not tarring all with the same brush. I’m pretty sure my DM is autistic and she says whatever is in her head without thinking about it first. Most of what she says is fine but she quite clearly has a ‘thing’ with weight and tells me,DB and DN
that we are fat.

Ratafia · 09/11/2025 09:08

My mother was like this, always noticing and commenting on people's weight. As she got older it got quite embarrassing as she wouldn't necessarily keep her voice down. It was totally counter-productive in my case since if anything it drove me towards comfort eating. Once when she was haranguing me about dieting I told her that the reason I didn't even try at home was because I knew there would be constant loud comments along the lines of "Remember, no chips for Ratafia" or "Should you be eating that?" to say nothing of even closer scrutiny of my body, and I could just do without it. She was quite shocked to be called out and left me alone more, but it didn't stop her obsessing about everyone else who was mildly overweight.

Bambamhoohoo · 09/11/2025 09:07

My MIL would (and does) say the same. She has a terrible, unhealthy attitude to weight. I suspect many women of that generation have eating disorders.

dizzydizzydizzy · 09/11/2025 09:03

DinoLil · 09/11/2025 07:49

Ordering MN to 'discuss' is inappropriate.

Why? There is no compulsion to comment.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 09:03

TheaBrandt1 · 09/11/2025 08:52

Dd2 actually said over Christmas dinner “are you trying to fat shame me granny ?” which was hilarious. I don’t usually condone rudeness to older guests but her wittering on about how much the teens ate was outrageous!

Oh what a superstar!! 🌟
Yes my Mum says this stuff all the time “how can you eat all that, what a huge portion, I don’t have an appetite” (but sinks 2 bottles of vino!) or gets offered a piece of cake, has the cake takes one bite then says “don’t know how you eat that it’s so sweet and sugary”.

OP posts:
pushthebuttonnn · 09/11/2025 08:55

CharlotteSometimes1 · 09/11/2025 07:06

No not appropriate and just the sort of thing my Mum would say. I haven’t worked out how to tell her, but she’s in her 80s and I don’t think I’m going to change her so have given up.

Just be blunt and tell her it's extremely rude to comment on someone's body. And you won't put up with any more of these comments. Also give her a taste of her own medicine. 'Well Mother dearest.your appearance has definitely changed over the years'..

TheaBrandt1 · 09/11/2025 08:52

Dd2 actually said over Christmas dinner “are you trying to fat shame me granny ?” which was hilarious. I don’t usually condone rudeness to older guests but her wittering on about how much the teens ate was outrageous!

TheaBrandt1 · 09/11/2025 08:50

That’s small fry to the stuff my mil comes out with regularly! She’s from a country known for bluntness and is slightly odd anyway. This would be an unremarkable comment for her she’s said way worse! We’ve just had to accept it’s the way she is and isn’t actually personal. Teens actually politely push back now if she over steps.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:47

Wolfpa · 09/11/2025 08:43

Are you sure she didn’t say figure in the technical way? Saying how much her dance technique has improved.

A lovely positive take but a definite no I’m afraid!

OP posts:
landlordhell · 09/11/2025 08:44

Wolfpa · 09/11/2025 08:43

Are you sure she didn’t say figure in the technical way? Saying how much her dance technique has improved.

Well I doubt considering the argument that followed, that wasn’t her defence. You’d say technique/ ability/ grace.

Wolfpa · 09/11/2025 08:43

Are you sure she didn’t say figure in the technical way? Saying how much her dance technique has improved.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:41

landlordhell · 09/11/2025 08:39

Definitely not appropriate. My DF(85) is a bit like that. He has a beer belly on a slim body but at a recent family event he commented to me that my niece( his grand-daughter) was ‘carrying a lot of weight’. I said ‘Well I might say the same about you and you haven’t even had any babies!’ That shut him up.

Edited

Brilliant! 🙌🏼

OP posts:
landlordhell · 09/11/2025 08:39

Definitely not appropriate. My DF(85) is a bit like that. He has a beer belly on a slim body but at a recent family event he commented to me that my niece( his grand-daughter) was ‘carrying a lot of weight’. I said ‘Well I might say the same about you and you haven’t even had any babies!’ That shut him up.

saraclara · 09/11/2025 08:37

Paradoes · 09/11/2025 08:30

You were right to pull her up on it. I wouldn't be in a hurry to bring spiteful gran to the next concert.

Spiteful?

landlordhell · 09/11/2025 08:37

SunnyDolly · 09/11/2025 08:19

She sounds just like my Mum OP so I sympathise. Shes forever banging on about weight. I had two eating disorders in my 20’s (that she still doesn’t believe in!) and sometimes when looking at old photos she’ll go ‘gosh look how slim you were, do you ever miss it?’ 🫠
I have two kids and she’ll often remark on other kids she deems ‘fat’ when we’re out and about, I’m constantly pulling her up on it as I just hate it.
I have no advice as it always becomes a row with us too, but you have my sympathy!

Good grief!!! That’s awful.

Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:37

SillyQuail · 09/11/2025 08:33

My grandma often made comments about my body to my mum as I was growing up that were basically a veiled criticism of her parenting and domestic competence, and I developed an eating disorder as a teenager. I was never overweight. I still have a critical inner voice that sounds like my grandma. You were absolutely right to pull your mum up on it and keep pulling her up on it every time it happens. It is never appropriate to comment on a child's 'figure', whether you mean it positively or not.

Sorry to hear that affected your teenage years. I am constantly trying to protect my kids from this in their most formative years so when it comes from within the family it’s even more frustrating. I will definitely follow your advice going forward

OP posts:
Original poster
clickyteeclick · 09/11/2025 08:34

Screamingabdabz · 09/11/2025 08:30

There is definitely a generation of older women who think have a ‘slim figure’ is some sort of moral achievement.

It’s from having internalised misogyny from their post war upbringing. My mother in her 90s still watches the tv and comments on women, not for their journalistic skills or how talented they are, but on their ‘figure’ (hate that word <shudder>) and their ‘feminine’ clothes.

I challenge my mother every time, which is ironic, as it’s her that championed 70s feminism that so inspired me. I guess the internalised cultural stuff is so much harder to root out.

Yanbu to be upset about this on your DD’s behalf. Don’t let old fashioned attitudes ruin the achievement and the pleasure you got from seeing your dd perform. 💐

Very very wise words. Thank you so much x

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