DS not home yet

Why would a 17 year old boy possibly be not ok at 4am having said he’d be back at 1am??!

I mean… I can’t quite dignify this question with an answer 😆

What do you mean fend for themselves? He was asleep at a friend's house!

if anything happened the police would take the view that you should know where he is.

What do you mean by this? Do you think you'd get in some kind of legal trouble if anything happened to him?

But she knows where he was? And he was asleep. Why would you need to go and look for him?

When he is 18 and living at uni he will be an adult, and old enough to take care of himself (hopefully) but at the moment he is still considered to be a child in the eyes of the law, and as such he is under the care of his parents.

It’s not a race to the bottom leaving dc to fend for themselves in the middle of the night - it is not cool, it’s just stupid and poor parenting.

My eldest is 16 and fortunately considerate; I don't track her but I do expect a text. If I didn't get one more than once she would be banned from going out until she could prove better responsibility. In OPs position I would be getting her as the inevitable consequence of no text.

At this stage you are still parenting and teaching them the behaviours and awareness they need for when they leave home. Both in terms of personal safety and basic consideration for others.

Firm words need to be had when he’s home. I’d be furious if my DS17 did this. He’s not at uni yet. He’s still legally a child, and if anything happened the police would take the view that you should know where he is.

Mine would be told that if he thinks he’s old enough to behave like an adult, then that will extend to other areas of his life. He will now do his own cooking, laundry etc.

Oh I remember those days so well. They do pass.

Bollocking later today.

I’m really surprised how blasé some people are. I’d be worried and going to see where he is.
Very glad to hear he’s replied!

Glad he’s ok.. it’s hard trying to give independence.

why don’t you see how it unfolds today.. let him come back when he’s ready, no more messages. If you overreact he’ll close up, give him the space then when he’s back he’ll be much more likely to chat to you.

try and hold your nerve.. he’ll respect you for it and bring you closer together xx

At 17 this is a bit much. I know I’m not usual but I left home at 16 and had a baby at 17. He’s very nearly an adult. Many 18 year olds have left to go live near uni. You’re being a bit OTT and suffocating, especially turning up at his friends houses when you track him anyway so can see he’s there safe. It would be a different story perhaps if you checked and saw him roaming around the streets.

Glad he is safe OP.

To reply to someone here, you click quote and then type. Or you can click @ and type the name of the person you want to see your response.

And why wouldn't he be ok? What does anyone actually think could have happened? If he had been hurt then someone would have phoned her. The reality is that he had a few too many and fell asleep before texting mum. That was always going to be the outcome so driving round to check on him at 4am would have been mad behaviour.

Can we remind ourselves this is a DS problem. if he doesn’t want his mum showing up he knows all he has to do is send a 3 second text.

Done.

If he can’t, well he’s both thoughtless and probably in a state he shouldn’t be age 17. If he wants mum to keep paying for him to go out, maybe he should grow up and send a text message.

This. They may well be living away from home in a year's time. But while they are home they need to let you know what they are doing. It was easy for DDs to understand as everyone in the house did the same. They would expect me or DH to text if we were going to be home later than planned, or if plans changed, and we did, so it wasn't just a case if a poor unfortunate teenager being asked to do something different 🙂

I love and respect my son enough to do a HUGE amount of things for him to make his life easier and more pleasant

So it seems fair he can respect me enough to agree a time to be back with me, and stick to it

Thankfully he agrees with me

What would your “consequence” be @PumpkinTwistyWindToots ?

Chasing him down?

it was 4am
he had said home at 1am
The op was going to go to his last known location to check he was ok

I'm not saying this is good behaviour from him but grounding is ridiculous and chasing him down at 3am is also ridiculous.
Set a boundary by all means, give him a consequence after the fact, but you need to keep it in proportion!

I’m glad he’s safe but yes, definitely talk to him about it today.
My son is in his 20’s and he knows perfectly well that he can stay out if he likes but he has to text me to let me know that he won’t be back. I’m a worrier too! Even if I don’t see the text until the morning. It’s basic courtesy, especially at your son’s age!

My sons are 25 and 22 now but did do this ( a lot! ) when a similar age. I said I just want a text to confirm you are ok and staying out. Then I can sleep- if I assume you are coming home and you don’t then I’ll be worried and thinking the worst. They were generally pretty good at it.

God knows how my own parents coped in the 90s with me out galavanting all weekend and no communication home at all.

Yes. At 17

2 years later at university…. Nope!

You see I don’t get this.

My 17 year old doesn’t work. I pay for everything. He is financially dependent on me. I cook for him, do a lot of his laundry, get the food in for him, will take him to matches and arrange doc and dentist apps for him etc

Essentially I still very very much still parent him

so the quid pro quo is I get to set some reasonable ground rules

Were you always home by midnight at 17??

He's 17! You can't ground a 17 year old FFS

OP I do get this, I have a 17 year old. But if they don't come home but you can see they are in one place you assume they have fallen asleep/got drunk and will be staying over and you go to bed. Staying awake all night contemplating going round to a house to find him is crazy behaviour. You need to be able to trust that he's old enough to keep himself safe. Being able to track our kids and text them for immediate responses is making our generation of parents vastly overprotective.