DS not home yet

It really isn’t “I do this for you, you do this for me”. Relationships should never be transactional, it’s a form of control.

Communication, boundaries, explanation and education is the best way and what’s needed. Especially at this incredibly precarious age.

It’s not “normal” for you

but as this thread demonstrates, most of us parents would be concerned and would not roll over and go back to sleep

His school would even ring me if he hadn’t turned up for registration!

No of course not. But my responses were to the OP and people telling her it's totally normal behaviour to go out at 4am to a house where your 17 year old is sleeping and wake him up and the rest of the household. It's really not.

Still reeling from @PumpkinTwistyWindToots curious about what could possibly have happened to a 17 year old DS at 4am in the morning

Depends where he is. If he's at the home of a friend or GF, then no I wouldn't. If its somewhere where you're not sure of his safety, then yes I would. I'd rather my DS be annoyed with me than lying hurt or incapable somewhere. And if he doesn't like it then he needs to take a couple of minutes to tell you his plans have changed.

And pays for his own life? @PumpkinTwistyWindToots Cooks? Buys his own groceries? Sets up own doc and dentist appointments? Drives? Very much an Iindependents adult?

my 17 year old ds is not very much an independent adult. Nor was I at his age!

so it’s a quid pro quo…. I do things for you. You do this for me

Oh and for the record I can see my adult children’s locations (and they mine). We all agreed on it. I find it reassuring not over controlling and they like to know when I am on my way home !

They will never understand the sheer worry at that age, until they have kids themselves.

My son did some really stupid and dangerous things at that age.

My 19 and 23 year old still live at home. They can stay out all night however a quick text to say “I am not coming home tonight” is expected. I would do the same ! It’s common courtesy and stops the people waiting at home worrying.

I totally agree. I do find a lot of parents can be very blasé about how vulnerable teens can be. Teenagers are known to be poor at risk assessment, they tend to think they are invincible.

Yes as a one off and I wouldn't go out looking for them or knock on the door but they have to know that this is not acceptable.

Ok @PumpkinTwistyWindToots

It’s wonderful you have psychic ability and nothing will ever go wrong for your DC. “Well done you” 👏

Or you could also remember this is a DS issue not a mum being neurotic issue and not everyone has the same boundaries as you. OP can set whatever rules she likes and if the rule is you text - that is what DS is required to do - whilst she is no doubt funding his phone and all other outgoings.

Also OP clearly stated she didn’t know the house.

I am not sure that I would have a tracker on my DC though as that seems a bit much over the age of 14.

Yes of course it's a courtesy to tell you if he's staying out. But if he forgets and falls asleep and you know where he is do you get in the car at 4am and go find him or do you give him a bollocking the next day?!

I am sure he will be fine and think you did the right thing not waking up a household at 4 am. I know he is only 17 but can you look at things a different way - you will have to let go of him soon and you won't know what he is up to or where he is. Could you focus on talking with him about how to keep himself safe eg always go drinking with a friend and don't leave each other, look out for each other, don't fall asleep on your back, etc. your dh must have some good advice about how to avoid fights and so on if he has been in the police. Your son is in that stage where he needs to take over responsibility for his own safety and i think this might be an approach to try rather than focusing on your needs to not feel anxious, which clearly is not working with your son.

Not the same thing at all. My DS is at uni but when he comes home he lets me know if he is staying out. It is normal to worry if anyone in the household just doesn't come home without a message. It is a basis courtesy that needs to be learned.

My DS did do this at that age but you have to persist with reminding them that it is not acceptable, it sinks in eventually.

It’s a horrible phase. I remember it well. But going round to check on him is suffocating. You have to accept that teens are sneaky little buggers, they won’t tell you everything and have a mind of their own. This age is the tone they really start separating from you, and the more suffocating you are, the more they’ll pull away, the less they’ll tell you, the more they’ll withdraw from you.

A firm talking to today about boundaries and updating you is needed for sure, but you do need to step back a little. You need to develop a relationship built on mutual respect and trust. Not “if you don’t stick to my rules then I’m going to punish you” (by humiliating you turning up or grounding as someone else suggested, or not doing your laundry any more etc etc). You also need to let him feel safe enough for you to be the first person he calls if he’s in trouble or danger. He needs to know he can call you in any situation without getting a bollocking from you. That you’ll come and get him no questions asked.

Jumping in the car and going round to see him or collect him because he’s not replying to your text is absurd in my eyes. Fair enough if his location was that he was in a ditch or a road somewhere, there’d be no hesitation, but he was at someone’s house, with other people and if there was an emergency you’d soon find out.

Parenting teens and young adults is a permanent roller coaster ride of drama and stress, but it’s time to loosen the apron strings imo,

Genuinely always irritates me that some op have terrible childhoods and are left to their own devices from a young age, and therefore everyone should do the same with their dc. This is somehow the gold standard?!

Care for your young teens. There are risks, and they are uniquely vulnerable. Some of those risks will result in very poor outcomes, and will be irreversible and possibly irreparable. OP’s dh is not wrong to be alert to them.
It happens more than you imagine.

Parenting is a balance, all the way through to adulthood.

Op is not unreasonable, he is only 17. No doubt he is testing their boundaries and limits, it’s a good idea to respond calmly but fitmly. Rein in the time he gets home, he needs to keep you updated or the phone goes along with all privileges and he can stay at home.

This.
You're lucky that he's allowing you to track him. Mine would never have allowed that. You don't want him switching it off. Just let him know it's because you care and not because you want to know where he is 24/7. Does he have tracking on you too?
Glad you know he's safe. I wouldn't have slept either until I knew for sure.

Would it matter? A parent is ethically, legally and in all ways still responsible for a child, and he is a child until he is eighteen. I assume she loves him too, and that might play a part in her concern for him 🙄

But she knew where he was! He was at the friend's house, the tracker said so.

Mine are older now but I do remember this horrible phase … getting up for a wee in the early hours and seeing their door open with an empty bed and no text message. It’s thoughtless and inconsiderate.

Things always seem worse at night for some reason … I’d lie there convinced DD was in a ditch somewhere.

Yes I do, he goes to college and works
he also socialises with friends, drinks alcohol and occasionally stays out later than he's supposed to

@PumpkinTwistyWindToots

you have a 17 year old DS? If so, does he work? Sixth form?