DS not home yet

You said you did everything for your son that I do for my 17 yr old 🤷‍♀️

I see the "cool parents" are out in force. I am assuming these posters have pre-schoolers and can't imagine life with a teenager.

I have a 17 year old boy. He goes out and has the occasional drink too. He is my youngest of three and we always ask him where he's going and when he'll be back. He also knows (as do his siblings) that he can call any time of the day or night and we'll come and get him.

It is common courtesy to tell the adults in the house when you think you will be home. I don't usually stay up waiting for DS as he has never given me occasion not to trust him but if I woke up at 3am and he wasn't in, of course I would worry and I'd be checking my phone for messages or looking at his location. That is a totally normal response. I'd do the same with DH and he's 51!

I'm glad it's all worked out OP. I don't think it's too much to ask your son to send a quick message if he's not coming home because plans have changed. My oldest, who is 22 and at uni, does this if he's said he'll be home and then decides to stay with a friend in town.

1. made No attempt to find out
2. this was regularly the case and she didn’t ask you to please keep her informed in future or make any change at all so that she’d have an idea

I would go round. Embarrassing him might make him a bit more respectful to let you know where he is.

How do you know she didn’t give a hoot?

Misinterpreted. I do stuff for him to support him, I don’t do everything for him. Still not relevant to the OP’s thread though, so not sure why you’re asking.

I can’t imagine it
and I don’t want to imagine it

my mum at 17 not giving a hoot about where I was for 48 hours

OP when I was 17 I would go out on a Friday night, say I’d be back that night and often not return until Sunday afternoon. My mum had no idea where I was and we didn’t have a phone in the house so I could let her know. Imagine that!! Let your son be.

You said you did everything for your son as I do for my 17 year old ds

Why are you asking? I don’t see why my personal situation is relevant to this thread (and will de-rail).

Lives with you? Works?

Been there, done that. You are a parent, you worry (and can't sleep until you know they are OK). Rationally you understand that in all probability they are OK probably just a bit worse for wear and lost track of time/asleep. 99% of the time they'll be fine but you can't stop worrying about that 1% when they are not

He’s a young adult in his early 20s. Why?

Would your hire be any different @PumpkinTwistyWindToots if this was a 17 year old DD?

I know it’s tough at 17, but you have to learn to trust them. My DDs were always good at texting, but still it’s hard knowing they are out (and later find out weren’t always truthful as to where!)

How old is your son @FlyingUnicornWings out of interest?

Yes - that’s the case in the abstract
but it’s just a… you know to be back by XYZ and a “yeah” in response!
job done 🤷‍♀️

17 is a funny age, I don’t look forward to it with my kids! 16 and 18 are a bit more obvious in how to tackle.

Apologies if I misinterpreted your point. I was just going off:

“so it’s a quid pro quo…. I do things for you. You do this for me”

Which very much comes across as a transactional attitude.

It sounds like we’re saying the same thing in different ways then.

It isn’t worded like that!

My oldest did that a couple times at 17, I did manage to drum it into him that I didn't mind if he was going to stay out later/stay at a freinds but he had to let me know. I was like "I trust you but I love you and I can't help but worry about you" blah blah until he got it! I have never tracked him, but he would always let me know where he was going.

Anyway he is now 18 and flatting with his girlfriend, so I have no idea what time he gets home. Have my 15 year old to go through it all again though!

And it’s lovely that you do that for him (for the record I do that for mine too), but it should be a separate issue.

Kids should never ever hear “I do this for you so you should do this for me”

You do his laundry because you love him.

He keeps you updated and respects your boundaries because he loves you.

My 17 year old has done this occasionally, they’re almost 18 and so unless he puts himself in danger (he’s usually just dossing at a mates) then I leave him to it.

I want to make my boy’s life easier and more free so he can enjoy all his sports and social life… so he doesn’t work, and I generally cook for him, so most of his laundry, pay for mobile and clothing, buy him toiletries, drive him to matches etc

so asking him to be back at a certain agreed time seems like something he can do for me

and he does

maybe there’s a difference between those at 17 still at school. My son at a school where they would call me if he wasn’t present for registration

Of course we would be concerned and not roll over and go to sleep. But going round there is not the answer!

Teens will make us pull our hair out with worry almost every day. But suffocation and control will not serve any of us now or as our relationships grow in the future.