Kid left out of party - why?!

You said the mum has set up a WhatsApp group - is it possible that she's made a list for the WhatsApp group and the invites and simply missed you and your DD by mistake? Have you asked the mum? Someone has obviously told you about the WhatsApp group - could they mention it on your behalf?

You say it's definitely not a numbers thing, but if they're doing food, entertainment etc then there has to be a cap on invites, and you have no idea how many people from outside DDs class have been invited. It could just be unfortunate in that there were 30 places and your DD would have been picked as number 31.

I suspect the logic is because 2 have been left out not just 1 it makes it ok and it probably is simply a numbers thing. You’ll drive yourself mad wondering though OP so I’d try and avoid giving it too much head space. If you’re worried about how things are playing out at school maybe have a quiet word with the class teacher to check there aren’t any issues.

As they get older and the list gets a lot smaller it does get tricky when they decide to invite a child you don’t think is particularly nice but they’ve been playing with and you say oh but what about Olivia (who you’ve been friends with since you were 4, is lovely and always invites you) and they say oh yes she’s nice but I haven’t really played with her much this week.You have to balance letting them invite who they want whilst also making sure they aren’t making daft decisions. Some kids are also really good at working out whose party is coming up next and sucking up to birthday girl - I remember that from primary school.

Mum probably told her daughter that she can have eg 10 friends over for a party.

She picked 6 friends from her class, 2 cousins and 2 friends she knows from clubs. Her 10 favourite people she wanted there.

There is no snub. The Mum and the birthday girl haven’t done anything wrong.

You are way over thinking things.

It was mean.

Your feelings are totally justified.

Has your daughter asked rhe girl why she hasn't been invited?

Id be teaching confident, clear communication.

I really doubt it's any deeper than the birthday girl's parents saying ok, small party this year, you can invite 6 friends.

Not everyone gets invited to every party.

It's a small party so it's not like everyone in the class was invited but 1.
It's not even like all the girls were invited but 1.

Just one of those things. Support your DD to shrug it off.

Your DD considers this girl a friend but not a bestie, they spend a bit of time together but in a group. You’ve literally written the answer there. Just because one person thinks they’re more friends than they perhaps are it doesn’t mean the other one thinks the same. They’re 9, it’s WAY past inviting everyone rather than who the birthday girl actually wants there.

I set up a WhatsApp for a night out recently, did it on the trot and missed a couple of people out which I then felt terrible for. These things can happen.

alternatively - are you sure your child isn’t mean to the birthday girl ?

9 is about the age where parties tend to be more streamlined. Perhaps she is inviting other kids from activities, cousins etc, so she just chose her 4/5 closest school friends to invite.

So in percentage terms there are 8 other girls the birthday girl could have invited and she's not invited 25% of them.

I can see how that would happen by accident, although I do agree it's a little poor form to leave out 2.

However, has she invited boys as well?

No. I’ll go with the arseholes who don’t teach their kids manners. It’s negligent because it doesn’t instil the right dispositions for being a responsible adult.

Or some parents respect their child’s decisions about who they want to have at their parties.

We live in a small community. When my children were at primary school we had children round to play almost every day. It was very fluid. Lots of kids would go to the playground on their way home from school. Most evenings I’d have at least one extra child for tea. Parties are different. Teaching a child to manage a guest list carefully not to cause upset is very important. Small parties naturally exclude people, but inviting the majority and leaving out one or two children is just wrong. My daughter is a sociable, popular teenager now and certainly agrees with me.

Some adults are arseholes. Just that. I never excluded other kids from my dc parties, even if they had fights in the past. Horrid thing to do. But some parents are arseholes.

At 9, they do start having their own ideas about who they want at their parties or don’t.
Maybe it’s as simple as she just finds your DD a bit boring, or just not as fun as others?
Horses for courses.
This is the start; teach your DD to take it in the chin, and get some resilience training in early!

Whereas I think it’s good manners not to compel my child to invite someone they don’t want around them to their parties. Certainly not ‘negligent parenting’. Children are allowed to decide who they want to have at their parties, just as adults are.

7/9 from a class is really really poor. And you say that there is no bad feeling falling out?

who know. But I would be upset too. Your feelings are valid.

try not to give too much attention but you’re not wrong to be miffed.

I know. I was saying that thr suggestion I was replying to is negligent parenting. Negligent, but quite common. We’ve all seen different iterations of the same issue during our time as parents. I remember having to explain to my daughter’s friend that, no, I wasn’t going to leave a little girl out of a Halloween party simply because she didn’t like the girl. The girl in question is autistic and highly anxious, but ever so sweet and really just needs to be given a chance. Inviting he to a party didn’t mean I’d insisted she comes over every week. It’s simply good manners to be inclusive.

I expect it was one of those occasions where the parents just gave her a number and told her to pick that number of friends.

Or maybe they said “you can’t just leave one out, it has to be at least two” and she hadn’t wanted to invite the final girl because perhaps they had fallen out?

I know that it feels unfair, but these are a few possible reasons, to not take it personally…

At the age of 9, Birthday celebrations do get smaller. I know that we did a couple of whole class parties, but at that age it really did decrease to her besties, even though there were other nice, uninvited girls in the class. Sometimes other out of school friends may be invited, from extra curricular activities. It is not only money that influences parents putting a limit on numbers.

‘Besties’ may include children and their families that the hosting party knew pre school - so the adults may have know each other sometimes since the birth of their children, (NCT) etc.

I know it seems a slight, and that is magnified due to the gender ratio in her class, but it really might not be as you think. Best that you and your daughter continue to be outwardly pleasant, but don’t have any expectations going forward of future invitations.

Hi OP

We have found when they get to this age, parties at home become absolute carnage (much worse than when they were little and you could direct/ distract a group of them). I'd assume that parents have restricted numbers because at this age, despite being perfectly pleasant individually, or in groups of one or two, when they get together in larger groups they morph into a hysterical hyperactive shrieking mob which is impossible to control. Just my experience but its not about space, it's about trying to keep control and stop your house getting wrecked etc (particularly if it's a winter party and they can't be shoved in the garden)

We have no real info about who has chosen to invite or not invite, or why. Certainly i'd never do this but i know many who have. It's impossible to comment or second guess without knowing the facts.

'DD is lovely'

Maybe not to this kid?

Girls of this age can be quite brutal. They play each other of against others, and can pretty mean. It unfortunately appears to be that your dd is the scapegoat this time around.

I’d care. I’d personally fall out with parents over this. All the girls bar one. That’s awful.