Kid left out of party - why?!

My guess would be that she invited some boys (because she isn't obliged to invite girls just because she's a girl) and/or invited some friends from outside of school and your daughter just didn't make the cut this time.

DC can't be invited to everything.

And my own daughter?

She really suffered in Y5 and Y6 from being excluded. We’re still seeing the effects now in her late 20s (MH issues). She was born on 30 August, so nearly a year younger than some classmates, and due to her ND, was eventually seen as too childish and uncool to be invited to parties or to be part of the group. At this age girls tend to become aware of what’s cool and fashionable (in a ridiculous way from an adult perspective, but hey) and start to look around them at their old friends. Some will not make the cut in coolness terms.

I speak from long observation, and dealing with the painful fallout as both a parent and a teacher.

So is the purpose of the post to gain empathy from a load of strangers? It specifically asks why has she been left out. We don’t know. For all we know the OP’s daughter has done or said something hurtful to the birthday girl. Or the birthday girl’s mother dislikes the OP (justifiably or otherwise). In those circumstances would there be so much empathy?

Really? So if you set a limit and then find out a couple of kids are left out you either add them on (at extra cost to yourself for what could already be an expensive event) or change the event to something more children can go to? Even at home there is a difference in having 7 children to then having 9 or 10.
Sorry but that isn't possible on every occasion to accommodate everyone. Even in work we have the same social dilemma over who to invite to the team meal and how venues might only have a table for X amount of people, meaning that if everyone is invited then the team are divided up anyway across tables and people stick with who they know.

At 9 I think it is ok for children to invite who they want. This isn't a whole class invite and it was done discretely. The girl didn't go into school waving invites around so it is possible the parents are aware they have left the two children out and are trying to manage it as best as possible.

Do all the other children always invite all other girls? Is this the norm? I am guessing this might potentially be the first party of this school year so maybe this parent is trying to set new boundaries where not all girls need to attend everyones birthday.

It might be due to an activity and they have non school friends.
Or they may be going somewhere and they need to fit in 2 cars

Or.... You might never know.

I would message the other mum and see about organising something or go and do something else.

It really isn’t complicated to understand that some children are hurt by being excluded and that some parents (clearly not all) feel for their kids when this happens.

Maybe the other girl doesn't consider your daughter as a close friend, or maybe your daughter has been mean to her?
Or maybe the mum has created the list without giving it much thought, which would be unkind.

Has your daughter invited her to a party in the last year?

Yeah this will be the case. They will have said you can invite x number of friends and the child will have said ok, and picked that number of people. I'm sure if she'd actually said to her parents that it would leave 2 girls out, they'd have allowed everyone to come, but that's not how the minds of children work!

Any chance she can meet up with the other uninvited girl that weekend for a play date?

Just because it seems like they have cash doesn’t mean they don’t have to consider numbers for a party due to costs; or something else happening where numbers are an issue.
I had a princess over to our house and she had a child limit which was surprisingly low, plus I didn’t just have school friends.

How old is your daughter? For my dd’s birthday she told us she wants six friends because she will be six. Being a girl she naturally just wants other girls. Could it be related to that?

maybe the day of the party you and the other girls parents organise something fun for your dd’s?

OPs daughter will be included in your generalisation too right?

Easy to say!

in these circumstances I’d be concerned too. This happened to my (mildly ND) daughter at this age.

OP, it’s a dodgy age when girls especially are starting to ‘review’ old friendships and behaving like horrible mini-teenagers.

As a teacher and a parent I’d honestly say that upper primary girls are a bit of a ‘mare’ in my experience.

We have been in similar situations and it stings! I know how you and your daughter feel.
Nothing you can do... Hope she is ok xx

Sounds like it’s not a big party, she’s been told she can have 5 friends or whatever, another girl wasn’t invited you say anyway

I mean, cliques definitely did and still do exist, especially in schools and with school parents (mostly, but not exclusively, the women). Clique behaviour can be downright cruel and nasty. It's a separate issue from the party one though, and it's quite frankly ridiculous to assume your child will be invited to every party and to tie yourself up in knots wondering what has happened when they're not invited.

This happened to me at school age 9/10 and I still remember it! There were only 9 girls in the class and 2 of us weren’t invited. I like to think i was a nice, fairly quiet kid. We became friends as teenagers and the girl then told me it was because the other uninvited girl wouldve taken all my attention 🤷🏼‍♀️
In retrospect , now i am a parent, I cannot understand how this girl’s parents allowed her to do that- its so MEAN!

I would probably try to plan a really nice treat day out with your DD on the day of the party, then after the event have a quiet word with the mum and ask if there had been any issue with your daughter’s behaviour towards her daughter. I yhink if you phrase it like that and wait til after, it seems more reasonable and less desperate!

This exact scenario happened when my daughter was 9, the 2 girls not invited were due to one being mean to my daughter. The mum appeared oblivious to this, she was mean in a sneaky way. The second was outwardly a nice girl but spoiled every get together she went to by crying, “hurting herself”, wanting everything her own way. It was draining. She was never left out for class park trips, Halloween Parties the like but she wasn’t always invited to birthday parties as it was generally spoilt by her. My daughter just wanted a party not about “Lily”.

Tell your daughter to innocently ask the girl why she isn't invited to her party, you know 'out of the mouth of bsbes etc'
It won't be as bad if it comes from your daughter as 'why have me and x not been invited to your birthday I thought we were friends '
But definitely take your daughter and X on a nice day out,at same time as party they'll have something nice to talk about when everyone is going on about little spoilt overindulged princeses party!
Ffs arnt kids and parents vile I wouldn't dream of leaving a kid out

To invite 7/9 isn’t great. If there were bullying issues it would be different.

Your DD seems to be taking the right approach by rising above it.

Ive got boys and boys dont seen to get fussed about this sort of thing it seems (and they always include everyone and are included themselves) . But I would be really put out if I have been excluded like that unless there was a reason. I'd be slightly sneakier and ask one of the other mothers to casually find out what the score was as they could perfectly reasonably mention two girls aren't on the list and is that what's intended? I wouldn't approach the mother themselves and I would make sure my DD didn't give a shit.

What ages? Running around feral is grim.

Is it possible that it is a snobbery thing? Theyre wealthy, you not so much and the parent is discouraging her child from fraternising with she percieves as the 'less fortunate'.

From my perspective this is appalling behaviour but ive definitely seen and heard of this kind of snobbery.

If thats the case keep your child away from this little girl as much as possible, she will become an extension of her parents hideous behaviour especially as they get older.

Oh, grow up. The people who bang on endlessly about ‘exclusions’ on here are the sane ones who see ‘cliques’ everywhere they look on the school run, and who clearly struggled socially during their own school days, and are projecting.

It really isn’t complicated to explain that not everyone gets invited to everything.