Kid left out of party - why?!

She commented on the wrong thread. There’s one floating around today where a mum turned up with her uninvited daughter and was turned away.

It's obvious why that child does not get invited to parties. She has a rude, entitled and pushy mother.

But that’s sort of what has happened here. You say you would not invite all but one. And in this instance all were invited but two

This type of thing happens all the time to kids all over the country. It doesnt really matter why. We are not going to know and you are not going to know. Instead focus on what you can do instead to support your daughter and the other girl - the other posters suggestion of arranging your own friends thing for the 2 of them is a great one. Focus on your and yours not them and theirs

Sometimes you have to restrict party numbers fact! Maybe she has family to invite too? I always let my children decide who they wanted to invite and unfortunately we couldn’t invite all the class . It’s not personal .

I wouldn’t tell my DC to invite someone over they didn’t want to. Forcing invites and friendships is messy, especially if it’s a sleepover.
You can be polite and mindful of numbers, especially if it’s a big bouncy castle in a hall type event but not if it’s at your house and DC don’t want them there.

I would say it’s an unfortunate oversight or more likely it’s deliberate and party girl doesn’t want your DD for a reason - it might be a really rubbish reason but 9 year olds can be unreasonable.

It could be anything, firstly, I'm guessing it's more themed around girls' interest/activity. Could be some kind of event/activity in their area. Maybe those particular kids have known each other/been friends for longer, or their parents might be close with each other etc.

Just don't let it bother you - accept it, let anyone invite anyone. And I'd personally add: for God's sake don't try and raise the issue with their parents/the kids themselves, as it could easily grow into a conflict which goes on for God knows how long.

I’m not suggesting people should have to invite everyone, or people the don’t like. But a few simple rules would be tactful. If you’re inviting the whole class, or say, all the girls in a class , please don’t leave one or two out. If you want a smaller party with special friends, keep it small. - not 10, leaving out a very few.

Some might say there aren’t any rules, which of course there aren’t. It’s just that being a bit thoughtful might save some children being hurt. Parties when they’re older are much less contentious and older kids understand more - they’ll know why they haven’t been invited. But it’s a sad sight seeing younger children baffled and upset that everyone but them has got an invitation or is talking about a party they went to on the previous Sat!

I'll keep it short. 😬
First point - definitely sounds horrible.
Second point - I wouldn't force people with vastly different interests to include each other, though of course they shouldn't make fun either.

Sorry - to answer:

• it was indeed bullying and eventually I was called in by the class teacher who was concerned for her. She had observed the behaviour of the 2 very powerful girls who were leading things. The matter wasn’t satisfactorily resolved (my daughter flatly refused to change schools and was in denial about the situation). As a teacher I had many situations where children and parents came to me, upset about being excluded from parties. All very difficult and painful. In only one case I knew this to be because the boy was a very difficult character (clearly troubled and violent to the point of causing actual injury to other children and damage to property).
• No, she didn’t have similar interests by this stage (Year 5). The popular pair were becoming mini-teenagers (enjoying Saturday shopping trips, makeup and fashion) while my daughter was into animals and physical activity. But I didn’t think that was excuse enough to leave her out of parties when they’d been close until that point. They might have drifted apart day-to-day, but would it have killed them to invite her with the rest of the girls in the class?

If you're not wealthy... aspirational parents?

It stinks if so. They will get their comeuppance if the exclusion is due to social or wealth factors.

Sorry to hear.
My neighbour held a quite big party for her daughter who was turning 3. She is 1 month apart/prior to my son. We were hanging out lot, kids were friends since before they were 1. So we were meeting up, talking about the party, she was telling me about looking for a place, getting a bouncy castle... She didn't invite my son!!! I felt sad, but like a year prior, we bought her a gift and left it at her doors earlier in the morning on her birthday which was the same day as the party. Few hours later (they normally wake up late), she called me saying, sorry I wasn't sure how many children I can invite, but would XXX come to the party? (plus my husband and myself). I felt bad, cause everyone know that was a pity invite and I really wanted to decline, but both my son and me love her daughter and he was so excited, so I agreed. Regardless I never got rid of that pity feeling. So not being invited or being invited last minute - both of them are not nice.

It's not a given that everybody gets invited. They may have had to limit numbers or the girls may not get on. Life isn't about fairness, even at school. Move on.

The exact same thing happened when my DD was in year 5. All the girls except mine and 1 other were invited. There was no "beef" between the girls. It was just incomprehensible at the time. I was furious on her behalf and never spoke to the parents again. I really wanted to ask them why they had done it but I didn't have the guts. I only started to move on with my feelings once they had all left primary school. I feel for you OP.

It’s a strong message to only invite 6 out of 8 children. Yes ok it is more understandable if it was 6 out of 30 but leaving 2 children out of a group of 8 is at best crass and at worst intentionally unkind

I would tell dd its ok to be hurt.
Some people just aren't the friends they thought they are.

I mean they are inviting 6 children, 7 including their own child, possibly 8 if the birthday girl has a sibling or a cousin who will be joining in, is this just a “we have 8 dining chairs and they are doing an activity at the table” issue?!

My daughter had a 'numbers restricted' party and she is friends with a lot of boys in her class so some girls were 'left out' for that reason, especially as she wanted to invite children from her out of school activities too.
Best policy with parties is don't question it - there will always be a reason.

Or maybe they want to be strict with numbers- considering it’s a party they’re hosting. They haven’t invited many children at all- most of the class are not going so they haven’t just excluded a couple.

Maybe they don't HAVE to be strict on numbers, but they are anyway? Some people are weird like that. Do you know the dad? Could be he's a controlling scary guy who said "you can invite six friends max" and won't budge (just an example).

Nothing you can do, sadly; you can't try to manage / force kids' friendships.

6 friends because you’re 6 is a legitimate reason in my opinion- if you’re in a class of 30 that means 23 are not invited so no one is being left out.

My son is 8. He goes to some parties and some he doesn’t get invited to and that is fine. For his birthday he invites who he wants because it’s his day. If he invited 29/30 I would intervene but picking 6-8 friends is fine.

It’s quite normal, she had been to parties like that and it was even mentioned in an episode of Bluey, so not sure why you would get so angry at that. V weird.

Out of her class of 30 she does not play with every child, and has come home and told us she did not go to so and so’s party because they only were allowed to invite a few children. I would not expect her to get invited to every party, she has had class parties before, why would she or I invite children she does not play with?! Its not really exclusion when three quarters of the class are not invited (or less than half the girls).

Unless it's a class party open to everyone, some children are always going to be ''excluded''.