AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

Bloody hell, don’t your older girls have lives of their own to get on with instead of parenting either yours or your SIL’s kids?

I think it's normal for children to do chores including some amount of childcare. But in these very large families the older girls often end up doing significant amount of child rearing which isn't fair. I feels like a pattern - the OP's teen sister was expected to help with the OP's children, who are now helping raise their own siblings as well as potentially the cousins. I suspect there is a religious element at play, although asking for money is unusual.

This is an adult problem for you, your husband and your in-laws to sort out.

Your older daughters are surely too busy with homework, hobbies, socialising and the paid work they need to do to pay for extras now and to help them save for university or college or whatever it is they’re going to do to create a stable income for themselves in the future.

Between all of the adults in the family it should be possible to provide some kind of help most nights, whether it’s dropping off a casserole in exchange for some laundry you can do for her or providing supervision for the kids sometimes or whatever,

Did you read the OP 😂 They are working hard at home parenting their siblings.

This

I suppose if SIL becomes ill or loses the baby through not resting, it’s just collateral damage?

She can fuck off. Strip this to its bares bones, she wants them to be her unpaid nannies and housekeepers even though they are children, and you are considering letting your children (who do NOT know what's best for them) to do this.

Ugh.

I hope at least the money THEY earned went to THEM.

Stop using your children as your unpaid domestic labour and child minders, and stop farming them out to others too. They have a right to a childhood free from this shit. Of course they were "delighted" to be little slaves, you're raised them to do just that if they want your approval.

They could maybe go over once a month to help out. That's more than sufficient for children. Let them have a fucking childhood.

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.

I take it that means you notice the difference if they're not around to help you with the housework and the younger ones? So it's OK for them to work for you without pay, but not for them to help out their aunt without pay?

It sounds as if she gave you a lot of help when she was younger, and you can't really believe the is adequately covered by asking her and her friends around for the occasional dinner. I also doubt that you took her on holidays out of sheer altruism either, I bet she was expected to help you with the children then also.

Let the children go if they want to. They probably find their aunt's house a lot more peaceful and less stressful than being at home.

Equally SIL’s DH should step up, instead of relying on the next generation of girls to raise his kids.

You are the kids’ mum and know what’s best. Keep them at home. God knows what chores SIL is making them do.

Irresponsible and/or selfish people.

How you expect your SIL and your MIL to pay for your kid’s pocket money boggles the mind. When does an adult in your household step up and earn money?

Why not study or find a job yourself OP, what is the hold up?

Don't think you were asking too much money if your SIL was happy and able to afford it, but doesn't sound like she can. As it is a medical reason she needs to take it easy and your children are happy to do this, then I do think you are being quite selfish. Especially as she helped you when you needed it. Yeah you treated her as and when you could afford and wanted to, but that wasn't the reason she helped you. Her help was unconditional and out of love for her family

Personally this reads as sad that you miss your girl because they usually help you and instead are helping someone else, surely they are still kids and should have free time instead of helping out and being seen as an additional parent/caring role.
I think the children should get to chose if they'd like to spend time with cousins without payment, seems a little unusual that you get to decide where they are working and what they get paid for it.

You dont charge family by the hour. Your kids want to. She helped you. Its their (your kids) place to say yes or no. They are happy to help she is nice and helped you. I would say 100% let them. Life is short dont put barriers (money) in the way of your kids helping their aunt and cousins. You might need help one day. Dont charge. Its family. Its what you do.

I can’t believe how many kids you have put together! The mind boggles

So essentially you dont want them going to sil to work for free as it stops them working for free in your home....

@SilentAndQuietLight

If they want to go help their aunt during this medically complex episode, that's to their credit. But between times they should not be looking after your children or your (considerable, due to the choices you've made) domestic responsibilities for you.

I agree the OP is batshit, but isn't it normal to expect older kids to help around the house? Not childcare particularly, but other domestic stuff/chores? Isn't that how they learn to look after their own homes?

(Genuine question, as a childless (but pg) person!)

I did both chores and childcare as a teen and don't regret it at all - although to be fair the childcare was for one sibling and I did it voluntarily, loved it, so the odd occasion I was actually asked/expected to I didn't mind.

So much wrong here.
I can't imagine charging family for help.
Also why is your SIL having a fifth child if she she needs someone else's children to help her manage?
How is your house more chaotic with a child less? Are they helping you to manage as well?

Sounds to me like you are parentifying children.

Personally I think it is obscene to take payment from family.
That's what families do they help each other out.
It is character building for your children and your SIL needs help.
I just don't get how anyone would think it is acceptable to take payment from family no matter what the circumstances.

I wouldn’t have dictated the pay but instead maybe clarified what she meant before checking kids were happy to.
if kids want to do it let them but stop Organising it. Let them manage it

Wow, what culture is this? Where you expect payment from family to look after family. Most people are going through financial struggles at the moment, if you’re older children are happy to help, stopping them is selfish verging on cruel.

however, you haven’t send anything about their financial situation, perhaps you’re of the belief that they can afford to give money but have decided to clamp down on that???

I've been no contact for 2 years.

Jesus Christ. You sound delightful.

I would be letting her help them if they are happy. However as harsh as this sounds if your house is chaotic in the evenings that isn't really there issue thats yours and your husbands. You shouldn't be having more kids whilst relying on your older children to help out. You have chosen to have multiple kids and your older children should have zero responsibility for caring for those children. If are struggling without there help then you need to have long hard think about the caring and household duties you place on them. I have 3 kids and there is 7.5 years between my oldest and youngest but my teenager has zero responsibility for caring for his younger siblings. Its not his job.

May I ask those who are making disgusting comments about the OP's number of children - how is that helpful? These children are here - so I'm not sure what the point of bashing her about it will achieve.