AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

I agree that family should help each other out but to a point. It shouldn't be at the detriment to your own children's childhood and furthermore it doesn't actually seem here that your children have been given much choice here in whether they want to help out or not and it's been decided by you and your SIL, that they'll be helping out whether they like it or not.

I don't know what I'm more alarmed to read, that you have you have 9 children you clearly can't afford, that you're charging your SIL for helping her out and also thinking of asking you're MIL to pay up too.

It seems between you and your SIL, you've had far too many children between you both to cope with and neither of you seem able to bring them up without the assistance of your other children. I think it's especially worrying when you say your house is chaotic and you notice when the older kids aren't there.

I also think it's sad to read your 10 and 12 year olds are taking on a parental role, helping out with bed times and meal times. Your children didn't make the choice to be born into a loud and chaotic family and as someone said above they deserve a childhood. Their evenings should be free for them to see friends, rest, play, have downtime or activities. They shouldn't be made to doing bedtimes and supper times and helping out with younger kids that you chose to have.

You would take well to read from the posters here and the impact it's had on them and relationships with their own parents.

Why would you even want 9 kids? Surely it’s not possible to properly parent that many. Guess university etc for them is out of the question?

I have two and have always wanted a third but worry about the impact on the first two but hate the thought pf the oldest becoming basically slaves 😭

Op is taking the money back

Sadly I agree with this. And the pocket money is actually the girls’ money, not the ops. It’s not the victorian times. I feel sad for the op but it’s not right on these girls.

So you’re relying on your girls to help you? If theyre going to have to play mothers helper I think you should let them choose where to do it.

Agree with this.

Uou are being VERY unreasnable. She helped you out for free....yes you gave her other benefits ie a holiday but it wssnt probsbly a holiday if she was helping your children. Give her a chance to give back.

Yes, your children should help their aunt for free, if they want to. It is only in the short term. It's what families do. However, if they are busy (out socialising, or too busy with school work), then help may not be on hand every day, and that is fine.
Ideally, families all muck in together. My own two muck in with cleaning, cooking, gardening etc - not much, not all the time, but that is normal for families, isn't it?

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.

Of course having a family of 11 will be chaotic. You knew that when you decided to have so many children. It was your choice, not your children's choice. You have to suck up the consequences of making a rod for your own back.

Genuine answer, "chores" in a mega-family like OP's or like my family of origin are not like chores in a typical family, especially as they're inextricably intertwined with small-child-care. If you haven't experienced life as a child in a family like this, you may not understand how very unreasonable it is to expect children - almost universally girl children - to give up the only childhood and adolescence they will ever have in order to provide unpaid household labour.

My children do chores. But they do age-appropriate chores in a household of four. Their experience is not even in the same universe.

My parents also would have described me as mature and keen to help, btw. This was because, as a child, I didn't have enough experience to recognise that the situation was abusive.

@nomas

I will bite on the bait.

This woman is a user. She’s used her sister in law and her children to look after the family she has. Without it she clearly couldn’t have coped. She notices when on of her slaves are missing a night.

These children formed a close bond with her sister in law - because the sister in law was likely focused on them and paid them attention. The children probably like it over there because there is much less noise and hassle compared to doing work for a woman with nine kids v one with four.

This mother is negligent and a user. She stopped the girls going when her sister in law stopped contributing to her house via laying children’s pocket money.

To reiterate - no 10 years old child should be parentified to do the work of a mother - yet here we have a whole family eco-system dependent on using child labor to exist.

Each of the set of parents should be embarrassed and address the ongoing neglect of their own children.

This

Maybe you should all stop having kids. Nine? Get a hobby.

This was my mother, the daughter who had to look after her younger siblings from a young age. She resented it until the day she died - in fact she seemed to become more bitter about losing her own childhood & adolescence as she got older.

She helped you for years unpaid and you’re unwilling to do the same in return? Your DC are also happy to do it without the pay and seem to enjoy it (probably a break from the chaos of 8 siblings!) so yeah, YABU.

You should help out if at all possible.
Don't ask for payment. Send yourself or one of your older children until the medical crisis is over.
Don't involve MIL but do tell MIL why you are helping out as MIL might decide to make a meal each week for SIL, or help out some evenings.
Family should be able to ask for help and give help because they care.

Surely it's good for OP's kids to get some pocket money, learn that their time has value, practice financial responsibility by saving for a treat etc. I don't think there's anything wrong with them charging for babysitting even if it is a family member. They're not skivvies to be loaned out for free!

Like PPs, I can’t believe that you’re seeing this mainly as a money-making transaction. She’s family and you say she helped you loads when you were struggling with a premature baby.

9 kids and money is tight? Why on earth did you keep having more kids? And why did you sister? Both of you sound bonkers

I think it’s terrible that you use your older kids to support you having such a big family tbh. If you can’t cope without them then that’s on you. If they still want to go and be with your cousins you should let them! I’d never ask a family member for money like this!

It was obvious that you meant that your DDs would use this money to treat themselves. I don’t understand how some people read the same post and make up a whole scenario where your girls are handing the money to you. It was very clear (to me at least) that you weren’t taking the money from them.

This. It’s unbelievably unreasonable!
And for the love of God, don’t have any more kids.

@SharpMintUser id struggle to believe this too if I didn’t come from the family that I do 😂
I live in the neighbouring village to my parents and my MIL (3 miles away). They pass my house every time the go to the supermarket. I was pregnant during lockdowns and was put on bed rest with DH stuck abroad as an essential worker. None of them would even drop a few groceries off for me on their way back from the supermarket the few times I was unable to secure a delivery slot 🫠😂 I was paying for the groceries obviously, I wasn’t expecting them for free.

Golly, who'd have thought that having nine children would equal a chaotic home. And yet despite being so profoundly fecund, you have no loyalty or empathy when it comes to a family member in need. Instead you bring out the scorebook and ask for money. Shame on you.