AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

Or Mormons.

Traveller culture.

Your children are happy to help for free and you benefited from free help from your SIL in the past.

Reading between the lines, it just sounds like you don't want to lose out on your own free childcare from your older children (why else is it chaotic when they aren't around?).

Voluntarily helping out on a temporary basis is fine. Being expected to help with your siblings permanently is not.

I am the eldest of 10 kids and reading this gives me PTSD. They should not be expected or needed to help you or your SIL. This will not end well for your daughters. It didn't for me.

I also think you are being incredibly grabby considering your SIL helped you, let her repay you daughters in other ways. Or even better, you could both just let your kids be kids! 🤦🏻‍♀️

So basically you sil has been good to you and a help in the past

Now she needs help, you won't give this for free

You use your kids as unpaid labour when they get in from school but are willing to let them go to sil if you can financially benefit from it

Your kids sound lovely that they want to go and help their aunty so yabu saying no

If things are that tight it might be helpful for your 16 and 17 year olds to look for part time jobs.

Sounds like everyone has far too many kids

“Dear MIL, I chose to have nine children and I can’t afford them. Now it turns out that SIL can’t afford to give them money either so you need to. That’s right, the nine children I chose to have and am completely responsible for.”

You can private message me.
I don’t live in the UK and genuinely don’t know what culture it could be.
Although now you have me thinking about it …………….

Id be embarrassed if my DC expected payment for helping out with their younger cousins.

I’m struggling to understand how it’s more chaotic to have one of your five older daughters helping your sister in law given you still have one daughter/slave per remaining child at home. What exactly are you doing in all of this?

I cannot believe you were thinking of asking the mother-in-law to sponsor payment . Jesus Christ .

The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.

What does this mean, exactly? Does it mean that if your daughters aren't out helping your SIL they are helping out at home? Surely you must have described the situation badly, because, as it stands, your post makes it seem like you want to have either your children's labour at home or a financial benefit from farming that labour out -- even if the children positively want to spend time with their aunt and cousins.

Presumably because the older kids help with the younger ones.

If I mention it I will be pulled apart so won’t be naming it. No child should become a house maid and second mother while still a child but this culture certainly don’t see it that way.

She helped you out when your kid was in NICU.

Return her generosity.

I think to alleviate your husband's concern, he should definitely help out his sister @broodymamma

Probably as the older ones help out with the younger ones so its noticeable when one of them (I imagine the older teens) aren't there.

Either do a favour or don't do a favour @broodymamma but stop with the rota and the payments etc. It certainly doesn't need to be everyday either.

Just to add that you have 9dc and SIL is on her 5th? Fucking Hell, they are very large families 😮

It’s weird that you dictated how much they get paid…surely that was up to her?

She did a lot to help you when you had your young children. It’s really sad you can’t offer that help back. And in fact, it’s not even you helping her, it’s your daughters.

Your daughters want to do it and are happy to do without payment. It’s really mean of you to stop them just because you’re being petty. If your daughters didn’t want to, it would be a different story perhaps.

I don’t get why one of your daughters being out each evening makes things more chaotic at home. Presumably this is because they help you a lot with your younger children. But if you have many teenage daughters, is losing one per night really that bad? Also do your teenage daughters never go out of an evening with friends? What do you do without them then? Or don’t you let them socialise?

Also I don’t get why making the rota for this is that tricky. What’s so hard about it? You have five girls aged 10-17 who can help. Is it so hard to say “right Rosie, you go on Monday, Emily, you go on Tuesday, Verity, you go on Wednesday…” etc? Is that really so difficult? I also don’t understand why it was hard to make sure supper was ready for then when they got home.

Just wondering what culture you are talking about @Helloyellowbluemoon

So you don’t deny your eldest children are housemaids?

Let the kids try. It isn't reasonable to say they can't help their aunt is they are happy to because you have more kids so you need them home to help you.

In some cultures especially one of them I won’t name this is normal but usually done for free. I’ve seen it myself. Girls happen to become house maids and second mothers to mums multiple children. Mum usually has a good few kids in this culture. This is potentially real and very sad.

I feel like a rebel for having three!!

I was raised that you don’t take ‘payment’ from family. You do things for love. Sounds like your kids enjoy going over there, SIL/cousins want them over there, you’re just not allowing them as you believe they should get £3(?) a night from SIL for their services.

It would be a different kettle of fish if one of your older girls had a babysitting gig and was missing out on paid work by helping out SIL.

Also, your kids shouldn’t be expected to help out your household. Their ‘jobs’ should be working hard at school, doing their homework, keeping their bedroom tidy and maybe some token chores to teach them responsibility.