AIBU to stop sending my kids to help my pregnant SIL now that she’s said she can’t pay?

Yet another oldest daughter here, this time six children… three boys and three girls. Boys were not allowed to do any chores (it’s emasculating) and my two sisters were 7/9 years younger than me. On a Saturday (from age of about 12) I was expected to do a weeks wash, including bedding, for eight people. We had a twin tub, no tumble drier in those days. Had to wash/clean up after dinner every night. Also expected to babysit most nights while parents swan off to pub/bingo. I learned a lot. Two children of my own, who enjoyed a carefree childhood where the only expectation was to do well in school and they did. I was extremely jealous of friends who did not have my life.

I can’t imagine not helping family in their time of need and would never take payment from them. It’s just what you do for close family.

This is wild. Who has 9 kids nowadays??

Another oldest daughter of many checking in to agree.

Your daughters should be focusing on their own schoolwork, hobbies and socialisation. It is not their job to subsidise the reproductive choices of either you or their auntie.

If they want to go help their aunt during this medically complex episode, that's to their credit. But between times they should not be looking after your children or your (considerable, due to the choices you've made) domestic responsibilities for you. Own your choices and woman up.

I've seen my mother twice in the past 16 years, if you want to know how this shakes out when the daughter-housemaids attain autonomy.

And then people gripe that women’s work isn’t valued.

Because clearly even at a young age they will be pressured and guilted into providing unpaid caregiving labour.

As the eldest of 5 let me enlighten you.

Basically the mother (op) parentifies her older daughters by making them look after or provide care for several of the other younger ones, because she's had too many children to cope with on her own and doesn't want to or can not pay for additional help.

Sounds like you have a lovely family. Only help each other if there’s money in it.

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!

Op said she only has one boy who is 3…I’m guessing he is the youngest so they kept trying until they got the boy

Op said she only has one boy who is 3…I’m guessing he is the youngest so they kept trying until they got the boy

I can’t imagine not helping family in their time of need and would never take payment from them. It’s just what you do for close family.

This is wild. Who has 9 kids nowadays??

Feeling a bit conflicted and could do with some honest opinions.
My SIL is pregnant and has been told to take it easy for medical reasons. She’s got four children aged between 19 months and 7 years. She recently sent me a message saying:
“Hi. Is there any chance one of your girls would be able/want to help round here supper/bedtime for the next few days? Happy to pay.”
I’ve got a big family — 9 kids in total — and several of my older ones are very responsible. They were delighted to help out. My SIL is especially close to them, as she used to help me a lot when she was a teenager and I was having my family. She was amazing when my second was born at 29 weeks and my eldest was only 16 months. I didn’t officially pay her back then, but I did treat her in other ways (inviting her and her friends for supper, taking her on holidays etc).
I set up a little rota so one of my daughters could go over each evening after school. It wasn’t the easiest thing to manage — our eldest is 17 and youngest is 3 months — so I had to keep track of whose turn it was and make sure supper was ready for when they got home.
Since she’d said she was happy to pay, I let her know that my two younger girls (10 and 12) would get £1.50/hr and the older ones (14, 16, 17) £4/hr. With the rota, it came to about £25 a week for 10 hours total — which I thought was very reasonable.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have asked for payment, but we’ve recently lost our main income stream and my DH’s new job doesn’t quite cover our needs. Things are very tight, so I thought this would be a way for the kids to help out and also earn a little pocket money for things I can’t currently afford.
It all went well for two weeks, then she messaged to say she’d try to manage without them. Reading between the lines, I think it was because of the cost.
The next day she texted:
“Kids so disappointed that no one came today. Each one came home and straight away asked who was coming today :)”
I replied:
“So cute. It’s so nice that my girls have had the opportunity to spend time with their cousins.”
Then she said:
“They more than welcome to keep coming if they especially want. Just can’t keep paying if you know what I mean…”
My kids say they’d be happy to keep helping without pay. DH says I’m being mean if I stop them, especially as SIL helped us a lot years ago without being paid (though I did repay her in other ways).
The thing is, my house is quite chaotic and I really notice the difference when one of the girls is missing each evening.
So —
AIBU to stop sending them now that she’s said she can’t pay?
Would it be cheeky to ask MIL if she’d like to sponsor the payment, since it would help her daughter and give my girls a bit of pocket money?
Or should I just let it go and send them anyway?
Was I asking for too much money in the first place?
Apologies for the long post, and thanks if you made it to the end!