To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

That’s not how a young child with no issues acts. Have you gone to the GP? Does your DD go to nursery, if so have they mentioned anything?

I used to feel a bit like this with DS when he was young- not as bad and he grew out of a lot of the behaviours, he’s an adult now but he’s def undiagnosed ASD. I thought he could be autistic when he was younger, but i didn’t know enough about it and thought I’d be laughed out of the room. Unf DS’s mental health has never been good - he’s had a lot of interventions bur I - and now he - thinks he is on the spectrum.

Basically you need to get the ball rolling and I hope things improve. Hindsight is a wonderful thing - we could’ve saved years of MH issues if I’d been more aware and forceful.

My point was there are parents out there getting ten pairs of socks out for a three year old who is throwing a tanrum, which is ridiculous and pandering. They wear the socks they're given or go without. They're three. Of course they're going to push boundaries and test you as a parent.

This makes no sense. So you want to enforce clear boundaries but would be happy for your child to forgo socks whenever they don’t feel right? What if it’s not their socks, but their pants, or their top, or trousers/skirt? Socks are the worse for my daughter but all of them have been a problem at some time or other. And yes, sometimes I have acknowledged her discomfort and still said if she doesn’t put them on I will. Only once she has had the chance to choose the ones that feel best, she has been given as much control as possible over what she wears and has had plenty of time to do it herself. Because sometimes we all have to do things we really don’t feel good about because there is a greater reason (wearing pants for example, for hygiene and privacy). My daughter was a lovely happy baby and is still a wonderful child who is kind and thoughtful and sweet when she has slept well, eaten, doesn’t need a wee and isn’t facing any sensory challenges, is well behaved and thoughtful. But it’s a different matter when she gets wet by accident, is overtired, over hungry or needs a wee and has held it for ages because the toilets at school are too dirty. She masks at school but lets it out at home. She’s like someone else, almost an animal. She is melting down, not trantruming. She feels terrible afterward.

OP, it can feel impossible, but help is out there. It won’t solve everything. There will be some things where you need to absolutely hold firm boundaries on, but you aren’t alone and whether your DC needs SEN support or just to grow out of it, you can both get more support.

Interesting you say that! Also recognised my mothers beliefs in that comment!

Amazing how so many on MN can diagnose neurodivergence so easily. Lmao.

Indeed, I agree with everything you've said here, you've articulated it well.

It doesn't negate my initial POV or relevance of applying my own experiences/ learnings. It's just my opinion, ultimately OP is free to do whatever she wishes.

This forum, and society more widely, rushes too quickly for diagnoses (and sometimes medication).

I was speaking to a high school guidance teacher who was saying over 1/3 of teens in her high school were either ASd or suspected ASD, so maybe we need to accept this is a bigger thing and work with young people rather than forcing them to conform to our boxes. Maybe if we all looked at the world slightly differently we could all make room for everyone to exist happily.

Amazing how many people on MN can cure neurodivergence so easily.

OP, yanbu to feel the way you do. Parenting ND children when you are ND yourself is hard. You clearly love both DDs. You will need to grow a thick skin. People will criticise you whatever you do.

It can get easier. There isn’t really any professional support and a diagnosis doesn’t really unlock any but is still worthwhile imo. For your understanding and for your DD’s understanding of her own brain and where she fits in the world.

Look at the PDA Pandas approach and the neurobears course as a starting point.

As for the poster who said ‘you have a normal dd1…’

Just wow.

The approach you are suggesting won’t help the dd1, it will only make life worse for everyone concerned. What will help the dd1 as well as the dd2 is for her disabled sister’s sensory needs to be met and her nervous system soothed so that she can begin to regulate. Meltdown is neurological.

You sound just like my mother who was abusive to her autistic children.

Spot on

This! Of course OP's daughter isn't at school yet...my daughter has two formal diagnoses of PDA, and things got so much better from year 9 onwards when she was able to choose her subjects. She is now an adult, living with her partner, doing a job with a lot of autonomy - it is getting them safely through the school years that is the biggest challenge.

Or you recognise that your child is not feeling the world in the way you are. Rather than forcing them to be something they aren’t, which leads to confusion, rage and that they don’t fit, you recognise and respect that they experience the world differently to you and flex to make room, like you would for a friend. They are children, not play dough.

I never said it was. I don’t think anyone has said the OPs DD is definitively autistic/ADHD/SPD/allergic to something/whatever. Because that would be irresponsible on MN. Multiple people have suggested that this could be the underlying issue though and professional assessment would be a good idea.

And no, neurodivergence is not a reason to dismiss boundaries. I have to parent ND DC1 significantly more than NT DC2 for behaviour I feel is appropriate. But application of boundaries may look entirely different for different children. And it’s okay to suggest that.

Tbh OP I wouldn't waste any more time in doing your own research, at this point it's not going to actually help and it's just delaying things when it sounds like ye are in crisis. You need to reach out to professionals now to get her on an assessment path, you all need help and support.
Write out what a typical day for you/her is and take it to your GP, the sensory overload around fabrics and restrictive but not compressive enough clothing alone sound incredible intense, she cannot cope and cannot communicate the issue and you are all suffering

I think you're a very overwhelmed, stressed out parent who needs a big hug and support. Understandably, you don't want to dislike your own child.

Please try to focus on your next step. I agree with others that autism assessment is sensible, at least to rule it out.

I genuinely don't know.

A snapshot into someone's life is never grounds for a clinical diagnosis. Correlations are not a way to determine causation.

Moreover, two things can be true at the same. Neurodivergence isn't grounds for dismissing parental boundaries.

Allergies and autism can be comormid. My dad, sister and brother were all autistic, all had allergies and eczema. My sister in particular had egg, dairy allergies, gall bladder issues, IBS, eczema, sensitive to food colourings etc.

I find it hard to believe that when things are so hard you've only consulted a health visitor? Baffling.

Don't just try to "learn more". She needs professional assessment asap.

Moving house would cost you so use that money to get her assessed for ND.

She could be autistic or ADHD or both. She could just be a difficult bright child who is responding to a child-parent-child effect relationship. My youngest son was like this and I felt like you. By the time he was five he was a different child and a delight. He is an angel now. We got him diagnosed and I did Circle of Security parenting course and Triple P parenting course. It helped me manage my part of the dynamic.

If it’s PDA she will get better as she gets older and gains more autonomy. Please don’t resent her. The world is hard for her. Practice low demand parenting, it will really help, advocate for her, and explain to the older sibling why you parent your kids differently, as it’s confusing. Even if she isn’t PDA, it’s worth doing a seminar with the PDA Society as the tactics will work and help, even if she isn’t PDA. Don’t think in what ifs, deal with the hand you’ve been dealt, you have no choice! And have empathy for her. Apply for DLA, you don’t need a diagnosis, and get some play therapy, an OT, a teenage or ND informed babysitter, whatever works for her. My daughter is PDA and loves a teenage babysitter. Have some time to yourselves to get away and appreciate her assets rather than focussing on the negatives. And I promise things will get better.

Yes, I am right.