To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

I think most posters are agreed that you are giving terrible advice, have an awful attitude to children and generally should be ignored.

At least my mum took it on herself to learn and change when we learned more about ASD. In the eighties it wasn’t a thing. You have no excuse for this ignorance.

@TomatoSandwiches @ThatKeenShaker it's pertinent i think that your two responses are adjacent.
Our second dd had similar tendencies - not to the extreme extent op has described - but lots of instances of being frozen in indecision with massive rage, only being able to wear certain clothes/fabrics. Huge issues with transitions. This went on for many years. My DH assumed she was being manipulative and was doing things purposely to get her own way. I suspected she was struggling with overwhelming emotions she didn't know how to deal with. I was usually the one to deal with the rages, which in later years involved her biting herself to draw blood, headbanging the walls and pulling her hair out in clumps. These incidents often coincided with her having to go to school, on the days where i had meetings i couldn't miss. It was stressful. I took her to the GP who said he 'didn't want to label her' but suspected she had some neurodiverse tendencies. We haven't had an incident for about a year now, I am hopeful that she's grown out of her issues, or at least learned to manage them better.
I think we struggled initially to think our child had neuro differences, and it was difficult to reconcile her behaviour as indicative of these rather than her being naughty. Looking back, this was incredibly ignorant of us, and i carry alot of guilt about failing to meet my DDs needs sooner. Like others have said, please seek professional advice without delay. You will need to pay for it (although when i tried to find a private child therapist there was no one locally with capacity)

But so many people are adamant that because she has an aversion to different textures or fit of clothing proves that she has sensory issues and therefore simply must be autistic.

look, she’s 3. 3 year olds can be awfully hard work, defiant, irrational, pushing every boundary. This does not mean she has any medical issue beyond the realms of what is normal. Even if the other sibling is completely different, that still doesn’t prove anything. They are two separate individuals.

my (now adult) nephew is severely autistic, non verbal, essentially behaves like a 2 year old in a man’s body. Lives with 2:1 carers to keep him, his family and the wider population safe.

So yes it is frustrating to see how many children are being diagnosed as neurodivergent when their behaviour COULD be within the realms of what is perfectly normal, albeit challenging, but could be addressed using other strategies.

Your mum's deficiencies as a parent have no bearing on me. I am not your mum, and not responsible for your trauma.

That isn’t what is being said. ND kids often need very clear routines, and if you mess with things or change things last minute it is overwhelming. You can have routines, boundaries, ways to deal with melt downs. But if you don’t learn why they are happening then you can’t help a child manage it.

And yet you are clearly unwilling to see the ‘advice’ you are doling out could be deeply damaging to a child and their relationship with their family. How old are you anyway? You sound like someone in your sixties or more with your old fashioned authoritarian parenting views.

I think most of us are saying to bring the child To the professionals to see if the behaviour which appears to be sensory/gut related is due to neurodiversity. Waiting to see if they grow out of it by the age of 6 and then trying to get on a waiting list for assessment at that point makes no sense to me tbh

Yep, so you learn to recognise when your child is getting overwhelmed by the world and the triggers for melt downs, and you put in place strategies. A place to hide, soft blankets, clear routines, fidget toys, noise cancelling headphones, or whatever it is that works. Once you recognise why they melt down you can stop it or stop it escalating and everyone will be happier and safer.

You don’t just expect them to conform to whatever old fashioned discipline you adhere to, because you aren’t recognising the pain they are in.

Many autistic children are a lot younger than their age. You see age three but most will act more like a two year old. My son is nearly four but his behaviour is more like a two year old.

Frankly, your sister's problems are none of my concern. I wish you both well.

Your comment clearly proves that people (willingly or not) do not understand a strictER parenting mode setting up healthy and reasonable boundaries.

If you call normal parenting setting often irrational rules and boundaries just because you can., you just sum up everything that is wrong with the lazy permissive gentle parenting you advocate.

Thank you very much for proving my point, and showing who is unreasonable here.

This is the approach that did real damage to my sister. She was called a demon, naughty, devil child etc. It became a bit self fulfilling and she went off the rails at high school. She was diagnosed ASD in her late thirties and suddenly so much made sense. My mum felt awful.

Also she never learned it wasn’t worth it, that wasn’t how her brain worked. It was worth it for the instan5 gratification.

OP this sounds so hard and I don’t judge you one bit for how you worded your post. If I was in your shoes, I would be seeking a private assessment with a paediatrician and child psychologist, possibly a psychiatrist as well (but I would do the first two first). Put it on a credit card if you have too as NHS waiting lists are likely to be several years long and you can’t go on like this. A couple of sessions with a paediatrician & psychologist for assessment, diagnosis, and at least some initial guidance for what is going to work best for your DD on a day to day basis will go a long way.

It’s ok to feel like this OP. Lots of other parents have had these feelings. My dd is autistic. She was diagnosed at 6, and at 3.5 she sounds similar. By 6 she had violent meltdowns. She would hit me, bite me, I was covered in bruises. She’s now 13, and a lovely young woman who I enjoy spending time with.

I definitely felt like you, and as previous people have said I do even accept that on many ways our lives would have been simpler and easier if we hadn’t have had her. My DS has certainly missed out on some stuff, including attention from me. And things like clubs and activities in evenings, holidays, days out.

But as she got older, I got better at managing her needs, making adjustments and she was better able to communicate. We have now been on holidays, we do go places, and life is calmer.

I have been where you are and thought those things. But my dd is one of my favourite people in the world now. She’s a clever and funny and loving girl, she’s going to achieve great things now she knows what she needs and she’s in a specialist school that supports her. Give yourself a break x

Its not being a dictator setting rules and boundaries for kids! Its helping them thrive and grow up to be functional socially acceptaptable humans! IMO

No one is suggesting that. Parenting neuro divergent children simply means changing tack in how you approach things. This calms them down and allows you to be more in control. Constantly battling with a child is not useful.

Letting a three year old rule the roost and be pandered to at every turn. I dont call that good advice.

This is the worse advice possible, please ignore.

I recognise and respect other family members have a right to a life free from this violence.

you have described one of my children.
things that have helped

visual timetable daily planner- Amazon (have a look it’s self explanatory)

choices for everything - (tiring for you but may well work) for example
‘what colour are you wearing today’ when she decides ask her ‘am I choosing a blue outfit for you or shall we do it together’ either way it will hopefully help her feel more in control. Including allowing her to wear a Halloween costume in may to Tesco etc.

Meltdowns
Have a look at a sensory room in a spare room preferably but if not her bedroom or the living room if possible. Sensory swing, sensory body sock, sensory lights etc have a look on Amazon

Shoes
Take her to any and every shoe shop and let her pick any shoes. Mine went thought a phase of only wearing wellies despite the weather. Let her wear crocs in the rain etc. have a look at barefoot shoes. They are like socks.

Car seat
Get ahead of it. You know she’s going to be upset by it so day to her ‘do you want to check the car seat before we go?’ Let her sit in it and she will say her issue and agree with her. Say things like ‘ahh yes it does seem too tight/wonky, silly car seat’ and just make it look like you are adjusting it and say ‘oh try that’ and repeat

Food
Have a cupboard low down in the kitchen with tins, snacks, fruit etc and when she is hungry ask her to ‘come and have a look or shall mummy chose from YOUR cupboard’ and see how that goes. Whatever she decides tell her ‘great choice’ and let her eat whatever

Clothes at home
Does she need to have clothes on at least in the house? Mine doesn’t and it works. Mine is less stressed and I’m less stressed

Bed
Ahhhh the dreaded bedtime. Assuming you’ve tried lavender room spray, new bedding, pjs, no pjs, light dimming in the living room every 5 minutes before she goes up, white noise etc
Things to at help us… sometimes
Sleeping bag
Tonie box
iPad in bed 😬😬😬😬I know I know but when you’ve had 3 hours sleep max every night for 3 years you aren’t functioning as a parent.
Skipping the bath before bed routine that stressed mine out it was like they knew bedtime was coming so the stress started to build as soon as I started running the bath.

Masking
Sounds like she is masking well and then letting it all out at home in her safe space. Which is good really as it means she’s so safe I’m with you. Could soundproof the sensory room/living room if financially doable

Dd1
Needs time with you alone and with your DH alone. Perhaps you have dd1 on Sunday afternoon and dd2 with your husband on Sunday afternoons and switch every week. Only need to be an hour or so doing something together. Little coffee shop visit, trip to the pound shop, etc. both do the same activity just separately.

Play therapy
May well help. Perhaps she has some sort of trauma from the feeding issues so young

im assuming DD1 isn’t like this so it’s not a case of you pandering or causing the behaviour it’s something that dd2 is struggling with

You are doing amazing Op. do not kick yourself. This is a tricky situation. But you are not alone

I’m with you if it’s a tantrum, but it’s probably a meltdown from what the OP has said. My daughter has had a problem with socks not feeling right since she was 1 and able to say that’s what was wrong. She was super easy going in terms of temperament back then and didn’t start becoming a stroppy toddler who had tantrums and pushed boundaries until 2.5 but would cry and scream about her socks not feeling right. I have just bought her winter clothes and got her to try everything on to see if she feels comfortable in it so I can only get things that she feels okay in, as she’s already got to wear uniform that doesn’t feel good the rest of the time. Of course now she’s older I see that the more emotionally unsettled/nervous etc. she is, the more sensitive she is about her clothes, but I will absolutely offer my child choices that will make them feel happier and more comfortable where I’m able to, when we have to accept often in life we have to do things that aren’t our preference.

I don't get why people say that. You wouldn't say deafness is a superpower or blindness so why say it about autism?

You have been advocating ignoring the child's needs throughout this entire thread, encouraging the OP to be stricter. So no, you clearly don't think that.

If she is neurodivergent, she is not going to ‘learn lessons’ she will continue until YOU learn the lesson.

I agree. Neurodivergent most likely and good luck with your life. I know plenty of people say ‘it’s their superpower and I wouldn’t change them’ but its so hard. Every photo, every holiday, every dinner time, every single day is about them.
All the very best to you x