To feel that DD2 has ruined ours lives

You read someone say their child is destroying their life and from that you get that she is too nice to her child? I think it's more likely to be the complete opposite.

Book yourself into some parenting lessons, take your child to GP so they are on the list to find out what is causing the issues. Don’t have anymore children until you are able to cope with the ones you already have.

My first thought was also neurodivergence especially when you mentioned the comments around her clothes and then not feeling right.

Does she have a routine? I think routine can be really calming for young children, especially if neurodivergent as it gives them a sense of security and reduces anxiety as they know what to expect in their day/their day becomes more predictable.

I would also agree to be firm with boundaries to reduce tantrums and manage behaviour.

She is autistic. Too tight / no socks - I've seen this so many times as a teacher. Picky eater - same again. She is likely masking around others, which is a huge effort. Then she is releasing it all at home. Please get her assessed.

I have an autistic child with similar behaviour. It is very hard but reading your post makes me really sad for your DD. The disdain for her is so clear, if she isn't ND maybe it is just complete overwhelm of emotion she doesn't understand because she can feel your strong dislike for her. Contact Early Help services and get some support before you significantly damage both your children.

I agree with you! Also NOBODY knows for sure that she has any form of neurodiversity. Yet based on a lot of these posts she’s been diagnosed already 🙄

Of course it’s the go to answer for most things these days isn’t it?

OP does she go to nursery? You said she can be completely different in other circumstanced and her behaviour can be very good. does she ever play up for others or is it only you?

You need to step away from this thread as you clearly have no understanding about parenting a neurodivergent child, as it seems like OP’s daughter very likely is.

@ThatKeenShaker well thank God you’ve cracked neurodiversity. Physiologists and psychiatrists can retrain now and we will all go with your advice of being a bit fuking firmer.

You have made it abundantly clear you have no concept of sensory issues.

This.

Agree with PP, she definitely sounds neuro diverse. Does she attend nursery at all where you can ask about her behaviour there? If she isn't in nursery is this an option for you?

You definitely need to talk to someone for advice and to start the assessment process and I would look at this when choosing a primary school for which schools are good with sen.

Sensory issues around clothing, the meltdowns and the screaming… I was only a few lines in when straight away I thought “neurodivergent”. Please seek advice from your health visitor or GP, or the nursery SENDCo if your DD goes to one.

Surely you’ve already considered that she’s autistic? Everything screams neurodivergent here, even to a non-expert.

@DontlletmedownbruceOrganise a diagnosis asap

😆 Are you having a laugh?! It takes YEARS!

This!

my DD can now describe the pain of touching velvet… and also of standing on bathroom tiles…

I know understand why she hated the lovley carrier we had that was velvet and would never go to toilet or brush her teeth!

we have no velvet in the house now and she has underfloor heating in her en-suite

I would get her into a really good preschool. My "difficult" child was on the spectrum and an observant preschool realised this before I did.

Confirming to the OP that your advice is wrong, is helping them.

Tell me you don’t understand Autism without telling me….🫩

Oh dear. It’s clear you don’t know what you’re talking about. How embarrassing.

You really don't get it. The one making everyone miserable most likely has additional needs/ disability and people are advising OP to get help. With the right help the problem is significantly reduced and everyones quality of life improves. If a second child was in a wheelchair they would also have a negative impact on their sibling but you wouldn't be advising to leave them locked in their room to give everyone a break. A disabled child needs have to be met first, then the family can function

I agree about the fabric conditioner but be careful of smells… my DD couldn’t stand anything with a smell so have to find a softener with no smell!

also, had soft clothes with no waistband and no hair clips/ hair bands etc….

Food is so important for us, catching her before she is to hungry is still key and making sure we always have food that she will eat…

we don’t all eat together… this is just to much for her and we try to follow whatever is the latest food interest. This is tricky and hard work but so worth it! She will
literally not eat for days if the right food is not available!

jesus Christ, I am not saying to put the poor kid in barbed wire!

I am just saying to just be normally firm - the child is not running around naked day and nigh, or sticking her fingers in electric plugs, or putting her life in danger (because her parents, reasonably, don't let her!)

Just apply the same principles for everything reasonable, no more but no less.

No one likes itchy labels, OF COURSE you behave like a normal human being and you don't torture the child, but you keep them safe and don't let them in charge because they like a colour and not the other. Good luck with school uniforms later on!

PDA is part of an autism diagnosis, it is not a stand alone thing. It does sound like your dd has extreme sensory needs, which does point towards autism.

Do you have personal experience with children with PDA?

You have mentioned PDA - are you trying the strategies recommended for it, or is it your way or nothing? Or more likely somewhere in between?

If it is PDA you will know your child is basically having panic attacks. When you frame it like this, it is so much easier to come at her from a place of compassion rather than discipline.

I have a daughter with PDA and I know how much these kids will fight you if you try the strict boundaries approach. Please join PDA Facebook groups for starters. Read The Out of Synch Child and also The Explosive Child.

Well done for asking for help.

You realise you’re talking about a 3 year old…?