AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

Yes sorry that’s what I meant. I was agreeing with whale and snail. But I can appreciate that was perhaps not clear.

Sorry OP but it’s bratty behaviour that needs nipping in the bud before he starts doing it to other children or adults.

No. They stop being toddlers when they turn 3. It’s 1-3 but not inclusive of 3. That’s the widely accepted definition and what I was taught when studying child development.

No school behaviour is out of control because of parents reactions to rude behaviour (oh hes just having big feelings, never mind), if he is allowed to be rude to his own nana then why wouldn’t he be rude to a teacher.
Kids obviously have these big feelings but they also need to be taught how to deal with them respectfully, now we have teenagers getting pissed off with teachers etc and acting out because they are brought up to be allowed to have these big feelings with no consequence to how they express them, we basically have teenage toddlers because we don’t teach them that while its ok to have these feelings its not ok to be rude about them.

My LO says he doesn’t like a food when he actually does but he just means he is full (for example will eat most of his dinner then days he doesn’t like it), or he doesn’t like a show when he just means he wants something else at that time.
also when he is upset he only wants me and will tell everyone else to go away - we are trying to teach him how to say he needs some alone time, or he’s had enough etc but his words don’t always truly articulate how he is feeling or what he is trying to communicate.
we still teach him when things are not nice to say etc and help him find the right words or other ways to say something.
so yes while I think your son needs to learn it’s not nice to say these things, I think he also needs help learning to articulate what he is feeling or what he needs etc.

Have you explained to your child that it's wrong to lie about people hurting him? Your child also has to learn not to be rude to people if you keep letting him do it it will get worst, it seems that he's getting a lot of attention for his negative actions.

But he’s not just saying he wants his mum, he’s saying he doesn’t like his nanna and lying that she hit him. This goes much further than needing a bit of space. Agree that I wouldn’t hit the roof and I’d try to give him some space/ encourage him to find other ways to express himself but he’s got to start learning that lashing out and saying mean things and/ or lying isn’t the solution.

Is 3 really a toddler though?

Exactly. Or when he starts shouting at your friends to leave because their presence inconveniences him.

It’s perfectly understandable that a 3 year old has big feelings and for them to be acknowledged. It is not ok that he tells lies about and is rude to his GM - this absolutely needs to be corrected. You can do both.

I wonder if GM is taking it personally because the bad behaviour is going unchecked.

There is a fail safe method for connecting with toddlers. Treat them like cats.

Your MIL needs to start doing something very interesting in front of him, like building a block tower or similar, and completely ignore him.

Works every time, including where smothering fails.

If he's feeling overwhelmed/ smothered/ out of whack with his usual routine, it is all very understandable. You need to adjust the situation so he's feeling less fraught. However, even if you know where it's coming from and have some sympathy for him, you can't legitimise him being disrespectful to other adults. No need to blow things up, but he needs to be really clear that that behaviour is out of line.

Agree 100%

Again, I think it’s also highly likely he’s getting increasingly aggro with her because when he tries to establish a boundary or say he wants time with mummy, not nana, he’s getting pushback about how he’s hurting his nana. She becomes the focus and his feelings must change and he must only choose nana, be nice to nana, let nana push into the personal space he has asked for.

He is quite literally pushing back here. He said he didn’t want nana to sit beside him, everyone stropped and said he was mean and nana’s feelings were hurt. She sits beside him anyway. Now he is upset with nana and wants to push her away.

A normal adult response to a child wanting space/their mother would be “that’s perfectly fine I shall sit over here instead.” Making it about “say yes or nana will be sad” is a terrible way to go.

Yes to me unless there is a backstory some of these comments are just plain rude or nasty. He may not mean it, but he needs to start to realise that he can’t just lash out at others when he’s feeling overwhelmed. I draw a firm line at rudeness and disrespect and have always done so.

In this situation I would take him out of the room, and ask him why he said those things to his nanna. I would then explain that it’s not ok to make others feel bad just because we are in a bad mood, but say that if he is feeling sad or fuzzy he needs to find me and explain, so we can come up with a plan. I’d also say that unless he can be nice to nanna we’d need to leave or take some time out to do something quietly, like read a book or have a nap.

If he thinks he can do what he wants when he wants, even at 3, he’s going to find it difficult to make friends and start school. Plus this will only get worse as he gets older.

Has he, or his things, been displaced in any way for her visit? Perhaps he is connecting her presence to changes he doesnt like. Also, Im not sure Id be so quick to disbelieve ds.

At 3 he can and should be behaving better

don’t put up with it a 3 he doesn’t call the shots

It's not silly to state that 3 year olds absolutely can be unkind. He knows that telling people she hit him and him pushing her are not ok but he's doing it because he's continuing to get a positive response of attention and time doing fun things with just mummy. It's ok to put age appropriate consequences in place for this behaviour.

Is he the same when your mum stays for a week? )Assuming she is alive and well- apologies in advance of not)

Natural that he might be feeling overwhelmed with the change to his normal routines, but lying that she's hit him can't go unchallenged

Agree, what’s changed for him while she’s here? Is she sleeping in somewhere he’s normally allowed access to? Has much of his routine changed? Meals/playtime/activities?

Don't be silly. He is 3. It is his way of showing he is unhappy. Maybe he has started a new nursery or had some change in his life. My grandson prefers my husband to me. I'm not lying on the bed crying over it.

I actually think it’s okay if he needs space from nana. I think if he’s trying to express this and everyone keeps pressing on about nana’s feelings it’s going to push him to more extremes.

He’s trying to implement a boundary: he doesn’t want nana to sit beside him.
You all try and push that boundary: it hurts nana’s feelings if you don’t let her sit there, you are being mean
He tries to establish the boundary as reasonable: nana hit me and made me sad, this is why I don’t want her to sit here.

As well intentioned as it all might be (nana trying to show love) DC is allowed to feel touched out and overwhelmed and not want more love from nana right now. It’s then all being made about Nana. Now his DF is mad because he’s being mean to nana. He’s literally just trying to say he wants space, his mum, and normalcy.

I think you need to let him know you understand and he is perfectly okay to set boundaries. He deserves to feel heard and his autonomy respected. He cannot lie about nana or be mean to her but saying “no” is not being mean. Needing space is not being mean.

but everyone around us seems to be taking it very personally.

Who is everyone?