AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

Or... he's expressing his feelings in the only way a 3 year old with limited vocabulary and understanding of his own emotions can.

I mean, the fact that some adults can't understand that shows just how difficult emotional literacy is for some people.

Especially when they're 3.

Is not calling a. 3 yo ‘a piece of shit, an insane expectation?

He’s old enough to be taught that something is rude or unkind.

Would you be so understanding of a three year olds behaviour if it was from another child hitting yours and telling them they don’t like them and no one was telling them it wasn’t ok?

My nephew is the same age and currently going trough a phase where he keeps telling any visitors (including me) to go home after about 5 minutes. I think he sometimes does it because he is tired and other times to get a reaction or to get attention away from the visitors and back to himself. He’s not being mean, it’s rational behaviour from his point of view. I’ve noticed it’s best to just ignore it and he’ll move on to the next thing. I think your MIL is not helping things by expressing hurt, he’s three, it’s just a phase. He’s just working out who his immediate family are.

Are you sure she hasn’t hit him?

Many toddlers thrive in a set routine. They don't react well to someone, even their granny, staying at home for longer than a few hours. They can be very territorial.

It's not much of an issue unless your DH makes it an issue. Toddlers grow up from this stage, and talking to them in advance about granny staying, making it a very exciting time, helps.

What mostly works is little ones growing up without drama in the family. Your son is only 3, little more than a baby, and is telling you he needs back his routine.

Your DH is way out of line. His first priority is "listening" to his very small child

To have the mindset of saying a three year old is anything like a 'piece of shit' is fucking insane, yes. He's 3 years old, what's you excuse?

Insane expectations? Not to behave like a piece of shit is an insane expectation?

You have to ask WHY he is saying these things - he will have a reason.

At last somebody sensible with a comment. Thank you.

I agree with you that he's most likely trying to express that he wants her to not be there. He might have an abstract understanding that he's not being particularly 'nice' but he is three and doesn't have the cognitive ability to fully understand how he's feeling or express it. It's ok to validate him and make it clear that he can't be rude.

Sometimes people's expectations of very young children is insane. He's going to be learning about expressing himself and handling social interactions for many, many, many years yet.

It's a long time since I had a 3 year old and this was never an issue I had. I do, however have memories from that age. I remember being unkind to a doll (I know hardly the same) but I knew it was unkind all the same and I then felt sad that I had treated her badly. My point is 3 year olds know what's nice and what's not, so I wouldnt pander to this behaviour or look for a deeper meaning behind it, I would just treat it as a learning opportunity. I understand your DH feeling bad for his mum.

like I said - it has went further because his boundaries were ignored in favour of his nana’s feelings. They kept pushing him and telling him he was mean for wanting space and right now to him Nana IS being mean by pushing into him when he’s asked for such.

Obviously the lying is wrong but he’s lashing out because he isn’t being heard.

I think at 3 it’s important to tell/remind him that what he’s saying is unkind. Not in a really harsh way but he won’t learn if he’s not taught. That said, he’s 3, he’s not being deliberately mean, he just wants some normality back and maybe some space. And grown ups around him need to not take things so personally.

First, are you absolutely certain she didn't hit him? Just checking because it's not an impossibility if he was being rude or difficult and you were out of the room that someone would default to the way they parented or were parented.

Second, yes you need to be working on teaching him that sometimes you need to be polite and wait it out. Show him how to count the days to the end of the visit, so he knows what to expect. Tell him the things that will be happening on the different days. And yes, if he continues to be rude after explanations and instructions some calm consequences may be required.

Third, come on Granny, time to charm him so he doesn't want you to leave. I like the PP's suggestion of treating like a cat - to the "do something interesting while entirely ignoring him" suggestion, I would add food. Could she take him out for ice cream, or offer to do baking with him or something?

Well maybe he didn’t know visitors were coming, maybe he didn’t realise he’d be stuck in with them instead of his usual days at nursery. Are DM and DH the same when they are here or is there a bit of tension or pressure to give the rellies a nice time. Certainly Normal Routine seems completely changed.
I would get the play doh ,plasticine, crayons out and ask DGMs to make/draw a giant snake! Or make a lego car.

“Mostly talking about why and how he feels, but also about how what he says makes nana feel (sad)“

This is an adult response. He will not be able to reflect on his feelings or conceptualise all this. SHOW him how you behave kindly by being nice to MIL “Oh I love sitting next to Nanny” etc and if he tells a lie say firmly “I don’t believe you” - you gotta be unequivocal with kids IMO!

What a wee jerk! I can’t imagine you’d allow him to speak to your mother this way but somehow because it’s your MIL it’s excused as “big feelings”.
it’s absolutely not ok for him to do this and you need to ensure you are extremely apologetic to MIL and chastising him each and every time he behaves this way.

Continue to to tiptoe around him, making a rod for your own back. No 3-year old (if mentally normal) should be difficult. No time with a 3-year old should be 'tough time'.

My one year old might say these things and I would tell her “granny can sit wherever she likes”. On our own later I would let her tell me if she’s fed up with granny etc and sympathise but I’d remind her that it’s not nice to say XYZ to people.

3 year olds are definitely old enough to understand how to be polite and as a pp has said he’s choosing to be rude so it’s up to op and her husband whether they want to let it go unchecked, I suspect OP’s husband worries his wife is being soft as she agrees with their son.

It’s too much for him. It’s a shame they live far away but if you want to do longer visits with them, they need to stay elsewhere, or you stay near them. I’d keep him in nursery, too, to give him some normality. I appreciate why you didn’t, but that’s a major, major disruption to his routine. He’s 3, he’d almost definitely have seen his friends at nursery and played games than spent the week with elderly relatives.

You don’t need to condone the comments and I’d pull him up on the hitting thing, but he’s been clear that he doesn’t want to be MIL, he doesn’t want to be in the room with her or have her sit next to him. Those are not unreasonable demands. He is allowed to say no. He is allowed to have boundaries.

My son has ASD and is 8 now, but when he was younger and we visited family, suddenly he'd disappear into the hallway, come back wearing his shoes/coat and saying 'me done me go home' 😂😭

This thread reminded me of this https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KZcB-lKoK7c

Except the part where his Grandmother is hitting him, he needs pulling up on that and being taught to understand lying, especially where he's accusing someone of physical contact, will not be tolerated.

But he is though. He knows hitting isn't a nice or an acceptable thing to do and he's purposely telling people his nanna has hit him. For the very reason of making nanna look unkind as he wants her to leave. He knows those emotions.

there's a balance here OP. 3yo can have boundaries and can and should have space away from her if he's getting overwhelmed. But he also needs to be told this behaviour isn't acceptable. These raw organic gentle hands deep breathing non disciplining earth mums commenting saying let your child rule the roost are the reasons so many kids misbehave in school now.