AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

You're letting a 3 year old run your home.

You can talk to him about feelings and that they are temporary and have him sit with those but he doesn't get to tell people they can't come in a room and sit down. He can't be lying. He doesn't decide who visits and for how long.

You don't get to tell an adult how to feel about your kid being rude to them and lying about hitting them. WTF. Yes, they can take it personally when your kid says they're hitting them. That's a big deal.

Oh please, children at 3yo know their words are unkind. If he speaks like this in school I can guarantee another child will be upset at being called mean. And how would another 3yo know this?
op should pull him up on speaking like that, but at the same time ask him to tell her why. You can’t just go around saying what you feel, and think it’s ok. They have to start learning at some point.

exhaust and distract your kid - 3 is the age when they absolutely do understand rules and they start testing boundaries so you need to nip this behavior in the bud. its bad and it will only get worse if you don't

He’s being purposely hurtful and lying - you need to pull him up on this every time.

When you have reasonable control of your emotions and a genuine understanding of consequence. Some 3 year olds just don’t have those, or the words to clearly express themselves. So they do so the only way they know how.
In this situation, two of the adults are being unreasonable. I’m a MIL and granny. I wouldn’t let it get to that stage by staying for so long.

And how are they going to understand and manage their emotions if they adults around them don't?

Honestly, there will be another thread somewhere tlaking about emotionally immature or stunted adults (usually men) and so many people can't see the connection between the two.

I'm not saying she should be sent home but talking to him about his feelings and giving him.words to understand how he is feelings and understand/express them and some reassurance is at least as important as managing his behaviour at this, or any, age.

Or, MIL goes home? I’d really hate to over stay my welcome, with any member of the family whatever their age.

At what age do you think it’s right that you stop telling people “how you feel” when it unnecessarily hurts their feelings?

Also she hasn’t hit him, and it’s not for the toddler to decide where adults can sit.

So yes he is voicing his thoughts, feeling and wants, but socket doesn’t work if we all go around doing that all the time. And age 3 is a fine age to start teaching children that, and for them to learn there are unhappy consequences of speaking to people like that.

Much easier to teach at 3 than 15, or even 20 once the entitlement and lack of respect has become habit.

but he has not been to nursery this week (we work full time and try to spend as much time as possible with him when we do have time off)

So he has been at home & with 4 adults possibly fussing around him?

My dad used to stay for a month & tbh it would have been too bad if it was too much for the kids!

He would very much blend into the background though.

Sit drawing/colouring, doing puzzles, assembling lego.

There was never any "oh you can't do that" or "you must do this" because GD was staying.

They went to kindergarten/school as usual & went to friends or had friends here as they wished.

Little children take a long time to learn anything, let alone the complexity of social interaction. You just have to keep at it. And in the meantime, adults have to be adult enough to not take anything a 3 year old says personally. My LO has said a couple of mean things to me before. I showed him a sad face and told him it hurt my feelings, but in reality of course I didn't feel resentment over it. I'm an adult, and have been for 10 times the amount of years his brain had been conscious for.

I have a 3yo and I would absolutely call her out if she speaks like that. It is mean. How is your 3yo going to learn how to speak and words to use if you make weak excuses for him.

But it sounds like dh and the other adults are ok with the visit continuing? And op admits that mil is respectful of 3 year old, gives him space and plays with him.

I don't think the visit should end because a 3 year old wants normality back. If he was fed up of being on a holiday, would you expect dh and op to pack up and go home to appease him? Because I wouldn't... I'd manage the behaviour.

I get that he is expressing himself. But I don't think ending the visit because he wants it to is the way to go.

Exactly, when my son was this age, he refused to say goodbye to grandad when he went home after a visit.

Not because he was being unkind but because, to his 3 year old logic, you say goodbye to someone and then they go home.

If you don't say goodbye then they stay.

Obviously, it doesn't work like that but that was the chain of events a 3 year old saw.

3 years olds don't understand or process things in the way that adults do on account of them being 3.

You can't really let a 3 year old dictate your life.
Explain that Granny is here and that's kind of that. He does need to accept that grown ups arrange grown up things.
Is he the only child, as its usually probably all about him, and now there is a guest who also needs attention. Its a big change to have a relative to stay. You can prep fpr these things on the build up. Explaining what is going to happen and what is expected. Explain that he is part of the family and this is how we treat guests. Have him help with guest hosting so he feels part of it too. Like, bring a biscuit to granny or something small obviously as he is three.

first ten years of their life you’re basically teaching them how not to be an arsehole. That’s the job.

(heard that on a podcast yesterday and it’s so accurate)

At 3 I would be told off for lying if I said I'd been hit (when kindergarten teachers questioned the bruises etc). I wasn't lying. By 4 I'd learnt there was no point saying it.

Not saying your MIL did hit him, but unless she's never been alone with him for a minute, you can't KNOW. Nobody believed my relative was that sort of person either. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and follow the advice on here, but try not to fall into the trap of thinking you can be certain how people act when you're not around (her or anyone else).

He's definitely expressing some big feelings. Between a birthday (which in itself can be overwhelming) and a grandmother staying for now a week, it sounds like DS really needs to get back to his routine. It's ridiculous for your MIL to take this personally from a toddler; instead, she should take it as a hint that she has overstayed her welcome. I would using this as a teaching moment, though, to help your son work through expressing himself without being mean. I'd also take him out of the house to give him some breathing room. He may feel smothered.

but he's lying about her hitting him.

And OP seems to be giving him the message it's ok by not putting a stop to it.
She's going to feel really stupid if he goes into kindergarten and tells the staff somethin like that.

He is old enough to hear: that's not nice.
And definitely old enough to hear: that didn't happen. Lying is wrong.

He's 3.....3

He is a little boy with big emotions because his home is not how it was.
Is he saying upsetting things to MiL? Yes but hes not doing it to upset her. His feelings are telling him it would be better without her there (not personal) and how do uou get rid of people? You say you can't sit there (go away) or uou say I hate you (go away).

As pp have said a week is a long time. And having guests usually mean your behaviour, as adults, will change, which will possibly feel unsafe to him. Such as nana is here, mum/dad's behaviour has changed, therefore problem is nana coming.

Has MIL not picked up the hint and realised it’s time to let everyone have their normality back? I don’t mean it as blunt as it likely reads but my parents were always so attuned to things like this they’d have already packed and left!

Agree

This.

he will have a reason. He is three, he doesn’t understand those things are rude particularly, he’s saying what’s in his mind. Your job as a parent as to inform him that those things are rude and unkind and we don’t say them. He then learns, he might do it again then he’s reminded again will understand as he gets older.

I think you’re doing all the right things, I think the problem is your husband and your mother-in-law Not understanding that three yr-old do not have the brains of adults

I really really really don’t understand all the posters that are saying your DH needs to “grow up…”. It’s just another way to say he needs to get over himself and not nice.

It’s got nothing to do with fucking growing up. It’s about him not understanding. Assuming this is your first child and you said this behaviour is new then everyone needs to learn

I suspect your DH is being influenced by your mother-in-law‘s tantrum about it which is why he is behaving like that. She however, probably can’t be educated on this.. It’s likely her attitude and expectations that created the model for your husband’s thinking.

I think it’s time to end the visit give your three y old a bit of time to breathe and then talk to him about how we behave. He’s learning he needs gently reminding each time until he gets it.

Good luck

What that his granny hits him and he doesn’t like her? Yes, I would.

You should apologise to the OP for referring to her child in that way. Out of fucking order.