AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

Your DS is being rude and unkind.

He can have “big feelings” but so can the people he’s being rude too.

The bigger issue here, is he has said an adult has hit them, when they haven’t.

I would have pretty much “big feelings” if a child said this about me when it wasn’t true.

This behaviour is not ok. He is repeating it so clearly isn’t aware that it is not ok.

@MrsSkylerWhitemy kids are in a school, not a nursery. You may have not heard of some schools called prep schools where schooling does start at 2. In any case, there are many types of ‘school’ settings that start earlier than 3 as well.

He does need to accept that grown ups arrange grown up things.

Having seen that OP actually kept him off nursery for the visit, I think maybe - in retrospect - that was a strategic error. Maybe they should have arranged some grown up things. Say had grown up days out and kept him in nursery Tuesday and Thursday so he didn't miss seeing his friends all week.

You could always change your minds last minute if he didn't want to go.

So when he says “you can’t some in/sit down” you are right that he’s a 3yo expressing his need for space.

However he is also being unkind.

He needs to have his feelings recognised but then also told if he wants space to go to X room, do x y or z etc.

Understanding the reason behind it is fine but allowing it to go unchecked and using it as an excuse is a slippery slope.

you need to be explaining every single time that it is unkind and this isn’t how you speak to people. At 3 they are like sponges and these are teachable moments not to be brushed under the carpet. Punishments obviously must be age appropriate but at a minimum he must be told a behaviour isn’t acceptable and apologise, potentially have a time out and/or toy removed for a set period especially if hitting involved. And you are loving parents for teaching him.

as an aside you are probably right that he’s had enough of granny, but he needs to learn now that he doesn’t get his own way on these things. He’ll learn fast, just make sure you are consistent

Did you really just say that about a three year old? I think I know who is the piece of shit and it isn't this small child!

Well he's clearly trying to express something but (understandably at age three) doesn't yet have the emotional or verbal dexterity to do this in a socially acceptable way. Do you really have no idea what his problem might be with his grandmother?

Even if he does have some kind of legitimate grievance you obviously need to be explaining to him that he can't be rude to granny (or anyone). However don't we all (particularly as women) now know and understand what it can mean and what can happen when a child is clumsily trying to tell us they don't want to be around a certain adult? I know what it meant when I didn't know how to explain why I didn't want to be around a certain male relative, and then of course no-one listened, they just kept telling me not to be rude and naughty so I stopped trying to tell them...

Obviously I'm not trying to suggest there's anything awful behind it in this case but I just thought we all know better now than to automatically dismiss children's feelings when they're clearly trying to tell us something, albeit badly. Maybe he is just acting up because he's struggling with the interruption to his routine, maybe he genuinely doesn't like granny. I don't think it's unreasonable that at three he doesn't know how to express this properly. You need to help him find a way to tell you what the problem is without being mean to granny. Yes, correct him when he's rude but don't just act like he's in the wrong. He's only wrong in the sense that he's too young and not yet developed enough to be able to communicate his feelings properly.

Yes, our children did attend part time nursery when they were 3, as did our grandson when he was 3. Unfortunately, it wasn’t generously funded back then!

Very different setting to school, where a lot of the children are still quite physical in their behaviour. It’s dealt with age appropriately.
Our grandson is now 5, in year one and such behaviour would be dealt with very differently now because the overwhelming majority of children are far more in control of their emotions and expectations are accordingly higher.

If he treats people rudely, is nasty to them, and lies about them hitting him, people are not going to want to be around him, much less spoil him with treats.

This behaviour can rapidly get out of hand. My niece started doing this around 3 (pushing people out of rooms, telling them they can’t come in, shouting at people to leave) and we all found it quite sweet and funny but now she still does it at 4 and it’s just kind of rude behaviour.

@MrsSkylerWhitedo you even have kids. What an odd thing to say so confidently. Mine have been in school since 2yo and many, many kids go even younger

So teach him that you can say mean things to someone and tell lies about them, but its ok because they will take you out and spoil you rotten in response?!

How about teach him that his words can make people sad and we don't tell lies? Its ok if he doesn't want to sit by grandma but he doesn't get to decide if she is there or not and everyone else wants to talk to and be with grandma.

Your 3 year old doesn’t attend nursery? That seems strange. Funded nursery here is from 2 years 10 months.

I don’t know the answer but I notice you said this has been happening all week, so isn’t about your MIL being there too long.

You don't think that a child lying being physically assaulted is something that needs addressing?

I suspect that’s the last thing he would want.

3 year olds aren’t in school.

His Grandma needs to take him out for a big treat and spoil him rotten. All will then be well.

They and your husband are being ridiculous to get hurt and miffed by what a baby says.

He is playing up as a response to their infantile reaction.

They can hardly understand so you need to step up as a parent

tell the child it’s not appropriate and they should apologise and then take them off somewhere to quiet down

My mantra is ‘It explains it, it doesn’t excuse it.’
I use this at home with my kids and with the children at school I work with (primary, including nursery.)

If they are doing something that isn’t ok, then finding out why is important. Once we know why, we can think
about options for helping them with it, whatever that looks like.
But it doesn’t excuse their behaviour and mean there’s no consequences.

A common one at school is a child hitting someone else. When you unpick it you find the first child did something (said something unkind, snatched a toy…)so Child B lashed out.
So you would tell Child B you understand why but that kicking people is not ok so they need a consequence (depending on age and school policy - our nursery usually have to sit out for a minute, not on a designated naughty step but just ‘out’ - sometimes even on your lap - really depends on circumstances and the child but enough to know hitting isn’t ok.)
But you also deal with the root cause - you speak to the other child too.
In this instance, you can explain his behaviour but it’s still not ok. You can’t just ask MiL to leave on the whim of a 3 yo. He does need consequences suitable for his age - he cannot speak to people like that.
I wouldn’t be too wordy with him but I would say that you can see he is cross but he can’t talk to people like this.

However, you also need to think about how to avoid the situations triggering it - are there specific moments? Can they be rejigged?
And yes, adults need to not take it too personally.
Again, it happens in school - children say it when they are frustrated - they just don’t have a lot in their toolkit to express frustration.

My 3.5 year old is like this with my MIL as well, and we do explain to him that it’s rude, she’s come a long way to visit and he needs to be kind. Of course he then always cries and misses her once she’s gone 🙄.

At only just 3 he was barely talking though and I think yours is still on the younger side to understand, really.

He is being rude to his Gran. If he says his Gran can't sit down I hope you tell him not to be so rude and that Gran will sit down. If you enable rudeness you will end up with a British child. At 3 he knows full well he is being unkind.

MILs son is allowed to have his mother to visit for a week fgs

But how do you know you’re supposed to try and control that emotion if no one has ever corrected you for saying those things before?

I’m not saying the toddler should be punished, but he should be picked up and corrected for speaking to his grandmother (who has been invited and is seemingly being welcomed by the adults of the house - not outstaying her welcome) in that way. It’s not good enough to shrug off that you have big feelings so you can lash out.

Plenty of adults can’t control their big feelings either - doesn’t mean they should get a free pass either.

I’m absolutely amazed the number of people who seem to think an adult should end her visit to her son because his toddler gets cross about it. He’s cross because he’s 3? He’ll be thinking about something else in a minute.

I remember getting cross about all sorts as a small child and even saying my granny had been mean to me because I didn’t want to go to her house. When my parents asked me whether that really happened I did say no!

3 year olds are not little princes who must have their every whim catered to surely. Giving him the blue plate if he wants it is a bit different from giving him the power over who is visiting and for how long. Absolute chaos otherwise, if I led my toddler decide we’d have the entire extended family living in our flat.