AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

Gosh my 2 year old says he doesn’t like me about 25 times a day 🤦🏻‍♀️ it’s usually when it’s nap time / trying for the loo / eating something that’s not his choice / going out when he wants to stay home. I just chalk it up to him really saying ‘I don’t like you making me do X’, tell him I know you don’t want to do X and I love you. I’m sure it’s just them telling us they aren’t happy in that situation and can’t otherwise verbalise how they feel (maybe they don’t even fully know?). I’d just take him out just you two to give him space from the visitors and he might feel more able to be himself x

Not normal behaviour at all OP, Nursery Nurse here and behaviour like this is generally down to bad parenting.

Hopefully his behaviour will improve on its own. One thing I found that worked with my kids when they were very little was being clear about my feelings and what I wanted. I’d tell your son that you like your MIL and you want to talk to her and have her around.

Don’t allow him to rule the roost - he needs to know his behaviour isn’t acceptable.

I think that the relatives are taking it too seriously, and you are perhaps not taking it seriously enough. I am sure that he is not being deliberately mean, but he is being rude, and should be discouraged from it, especially as people who are not used to young children may be unduly hurt: 'if even a toddler is rejecting me, I must be really unpopular!'

He should be told that he’s being unkind and hurting people’s feelings so that he learns over time how to moderate what he says. However, the adults need to chill the hell out and stop being offended by a toddler. I’ve been told loads of mean stuff by small children and toddlers over the years and I didn’t take offence because it would be ridiculous to take offence to what they said. I did pull them up on what they said when appropriate but that’s because they needed to learn how to speak to others and not because I was genuinely hurt or upset.

Your Dh and MiL sound ridiculously fragile.

I have essentially two experinces of this.

1. I have worked out that when having young family to stay, something happens after day 5! Ok if they are going home on day 6. But if not, the little ones start playing up[not their fault].

2.One little boy I know, is ok until he is not. around day 3 or 4, he needs his own space for a few hours. After that, he goes back to being fine again.

My 3.5 year old is kind, generous, patient, understanding and totally lovely at her best. When she is overtired or overwhelmed she can have huge reactions to things and behave in a nearly unrecognisable way. The first thing I do because of this is try to manage over tiredness and overwhelm. But I obviously also want her to be resilient and adaptable (within her means)! I love my in-laws and when they stay with us they come for a week + and so I know my DD (who is 1 of 3) will need some
time out. So I plan for my in-laws to have a day out by themselves, ask them to take my other 2 who don’t struggle so much out, take her upstairs for some quiet time with her dad or me. As she’s getting older I am trying to teach her to recognise when she needs space and show her how to ask her dad or me for it. I am lucky because my in laws are very open to learning and very calm & kind so that takes the pr saure off for my husband and me. There are loads of amazing Instagram pages (like nurtured first) that explain children’s emotions in a very clear and relatable way and that’s helped us a lot x

This.. get him out of the situation.
I really doubt he would have just decided to start behaving like this.

He is reacting to either overhearing something about himself or a direct interaction with MIL.

MIL might be making the odd comment here and there... which DS feels is hurtful to him.. telling him to behave at the table for example.
Things which he will accept from you, but he's not used to another adult saying.
and he's taken it personally but doesn't know how to express it.. so no he probably doesn't want her to sit next to him in case she does it again.

It's clear there's an atmosphere that's grown up that none of you intended, or you wouldn't be posting. Now DS is seen as naughty or a problem or badly behaved ( whereas he might just be doing things differently to how MIL expects at the table for instance). This isn't his fault. Its the situation he's in.

Take him out for a good run around and a bit of Mum TLC, a good dinner and early bed, focus on him, a nice story, just say he's over tired. He probably is... He's probably just feeling overwhelmed with another adult authority figure that he's not used to suddenly around all the time. Things will soon calm down.

Also MIL is an adult and ought to be able to cope without drama. Your DS is still learning how to.

Does he go to nursery? I am very close to my granddaughter and she was about this age when she decided I couldnt play with her ..only granddad could. I spoke to her and someone at nursery was excluding her from playing. I think i explained how it made me sad the way the child at nursery made her sad. I was soon allowed to play!

I don't think the way of dealing with that is by ending the visit early though.

I think the way of dealing with it is identifying how his behaviour may make others feel, adults not changing their own behaviour, ie mil remaining in the room chatting with the other adults and then moving on with the day.

Its ok for kid not want to sit or play with mil at that time. It is not ok to expect her to leave

Mil might be lovely but he clearly isn’t responding well to her continued presence, so what may have started off as a sweet idea has clearly fallen flat.

It shouldn't be taken personally. There is no doubt a reason behind it. It is mean.
'Big Feelings' do not mean that nothing a child does is unpleasant, unkind or wrong and I think its fine (indeed important) call the behaviour (not the child) what it is.
You need a two pronged approach of telling him its not OK and reducing the triggers.

But op admits mil is respectful of lo's space...it doesn't sound like she is smothering.

I don't think having an aging parent and aunty to stay for a week is a bad idea...in fact I think its sad you think that, especially when op doesn't say mil is dling anything wrong. She describes her as lovely.

I get a 3 year old not wanting their routine to change too much, but that doesn't mean to say dh has to send his mum away. If the family had gone on holiday and 3 year old was saying they didn't like it and wanted to go home, would you expect the whole family to pack up and leave? I wouldn't, I'd work with them to try and manage the situation

You're calling a 3 year old a 'piece of shit'? Are you out of your mind? I sincerely hope you are never around children.

OP I think your main mistep was keeping him off nursery, that in itself is a change in his routine, that combined with two new people in the house for an extended visit has obviously thrown him and his Dad being cross certainly has'nt helped. I think make sure he has plenty of space to do his own normal things, that he's not overwhelmed by too much conversation and enforced play directed at him, or that he's not left out because a room full of adults is talking. But of course correct him if he is rude and unkind 'of course granny can sit on the sofa' 'don't say that it's rude/unkind' and then move on and distract. He's 3, he hasn't yet developed full empathy, he hasn't learned how to express himself tactfully, small children are notoriously blunt. So it's a question of guiding him, talking about other people's feelings, but not necessarily expecting him to be socially perfect straight away.

And adults really shouldn't take it personally, they should be grown up enough to ignore or correct and move on. No one should bear a grudge because of what a very young child blurts out in a moment of crossness.

It's not right but as an introvert I can understand him lol

I would think his routine has changed too much, maybe the food, not going to nursery, what's on TV, how much 1-on-1 time with parents he gets, bedtime routine... and it's upsetting him. I would suggest your husband takes MIL out for the day and you have a chilled normal day at home, then the next day send him to nursery, even for just a half day, then go out somewhere just you two for a couple hours another day, and make sure you do his normal bedtime routine and give him some downtime.

I would tell him it's unkind but also be aware that unlike an adult who felt like this ("there's someone in my house, they're taking my parents away from me, she's here for a WEEK (basically a year to a toddler)"), he's got no control or way to take himself out the situation, so you have to do that for him.

Maybe you just need to listen to your toddler

It sounds like your husband and his mum are of the opinion that children should be seen and not heard. But…your son doesn’t like spending all this time with her. Maybe having her stay over for long durations of time, is a bad idea. She’s basically taken over his birthday and he’s likely wanting a bit of space, if he doesn’t enjoy her company. If it was your own mum who was smothering your son in attention and your son didn’t like it, would your husband still get pissed off? Or would he think your mum needs to back off a bit?

He's just turned 3, i.e. until very recently was a two year old - anyone taking these things personally needs to get a grip!
Yes make him aware when he says something unkind but I would be concentrating more on reducing the pressure on him, and gently reminding the adults of how to manage their own big feelings...

Our children went to private nurseries attached to their independent schools. They were called nurseries. They then went into pre-prep for a year and then reception.

This.

He needs you to act on what he’s telling you.

I'd buy you the biggest bar of chocolate and/or bottle of wine I could find because you're stuck in the middle!

After that I'd tell him that his behaviour is wrong, and look at how he can get space from his grandmother. This is one time when 'off you go to your room' might be a win/win. It's clearly disciplining him, but it's also getting him out of the situation and he's still small enough for you to be able to enforce it. It's a good life lesson to learn when to remove yourself and when you have to suck it up, but he's only 3 so you'll have to enforce it.

It's also the perfect time to think about how he's going to manage Christmas and build in 'just us time' in amongst the chaos. Your mum-in-law won't argue about it atm, so make the most of it!

Kidding aside, has his routine gone out of the window? If so, then he needs to get back into it because fun is wonderful, but at that age it really does turn to the old thing about 'tears before bedtime.' He'll kick off about it, because he's three and that's what three year olds do, but deep down inside he'll be relieved (and so will you because then you get to eat the chocolate and drink the wine.)

You need space too, and if that means taking recycling to the bin and loading the dishwasher then it's amazing how long that can take when necessary.

You sound like a real wet lettuce. He’s 3. Maybe try parenting him and tell him he’s not allowed to lie!

You need to both correct lies and bad behaviour and give cuddles and reassurance. He needs to be told his granny is only visiting for a little longer, that she lives him and that we all need to be nice to her while she visits.

Your DH isn't handling it well but you sound like a wishy washy gentle parent. 3 is perfectly old enough to be told that words hurt and he is being a rude little so and so.

He does need to learn that his behaviour is hurtful. Imagine what it would be like if he was treating other children or staff in nursery like this? I would be rmoving him from the room, talking to him about making others sad with hurtful words or actions and say he can only come back in when he is ready to say sorry. You also need to talk to him about all the good things about having nana to stay.