AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

Why does it make any difference to the child whether Granny is mum's mum or dad's mum?!

I think it is an issue with older MILs and young kids. Genuinely a puzzle, reading together or art and crafts could sort this. Get her to start with ‘oh I have an exciting idea! I have a plan!’ And lead him to the kitchen or wherever and engage in the activity. Genuinely my son went from this to spending an hour at the table with her!

Hes 3 years old.....this is the problem. Do you think toddlers brains are fully developed? To understand being mean and horrible?
They all need to get a grip hes a child for gods sake. Adults need to adult properly

Hes 3 years old.....this is the problem. Do you think toddlers brains are fully developed? To understand being mean and horrible?
They all need to get a grip hes a child for gods sake. Adults need to adult properly

Sound like normal 3 year olds behaviour and as lovely as it is having MIL after a week I am sure I would want to say similar 🤣

Maybe offer some mummy/daddy alone time and take them to the park or a walk so they can cool off.

We had this - first we addressed it with our DS. Sat him down and explained he could not talk to others like that and it made MIL sad (giving 3 yo relevant examples). This works for my DS, shouting tends to make them commit to the behaviour more. We then came up with an activity my DS and MIL could do together- drawing. We tried others but this one stuck. The issue was she wasn’t that mobile, so we got them at the table with snacks and supplies and they never looked back. My DS now asks for her to come to do that (when is X coming) as we are both rubbish and she is an established artist, fantastic teacher and they designed some amazing pictures with him. Rather than just force a relationship think what they can do together - they are related so are likely to share some sort of interest!

Children! They do cause embarrassment! I don’t think a week is too long, or at least not for many children but maybe fog you’d child it is.
It sounds as though he might be enjoying the attention. He behaves badly to nana and so gets to go out on his own with mummy. He is not unusual children at this age flit from being model child to monster.
What is nana doing? I would be making a joke or game of it and go and sit on the doorstep and sing nursery rhymes. Most three year olds come to investigate. Or maybe I would say oh that is good as I did not want to come in here, daddy and I are going in the kitchen to find ourselves a snack. Or ooh good because mummy and I would like to go upstairs and read a book. Oh no because nana was going to ask you to help me look at this book.
I don’t think grown ups being upset with him or one another helps, try to minimise bad behaviour and praise good. Don’t worry next time she comes they will no doubt be best buddies.

Yes hes being disrespectful and naughty. Your attitude is the problem. Would you have the same reaction if he was 4? 5? 10? At what age do you start parenting and pulling up bad behaviour? If its not nipped in the bud now he will carry on

Hello, you are correct and this will sort itself out. My son and his family live abroad so longer visits are essential. When my much loved 1st granddaughter was the same age she did this to me. I was really hurt but didn't voice this. It was totally forgotten by our next visit and I am a much adored Nana and have the best relationship. It's a good idea to take a step back. Never force anything. This didn't happen with our 2nd granddaughter who is just as much loved.

His dad is allowed to get defensive and grumpy as well, though. Although we naturally prioritise children's feelings, that doesn't mean that adults must always suppress theirs.

I'm guessing that the 3yo would be upset if he couldn't spend lots of time with his own mum; so why should his dad be made to feel guilty for spending a relatively small and precious amount of time with his own mum - who won't be with them forever?

The fact his dad is getting defensive and grumpy is probably exacerbating the situation not feeling normal too.

He needs to do the questioning and reassuring too (not defensively).

3 olds can understand and learn but can't regulate and don't have intention.
He isn't saying these things to be mean, because being mean requires intention for the statement to be mean. He lacks this until 7-8ish.

My son would say "go outside to sing", "stop singing" etc and I would say "that's unkind, mumma can sing in her house. I'm going to finish the song" etc if he was overwhelmed generally or by others he always had the option of going to the calm down spot alone or to have a cuddle and breathe.

He'd then apologize if he needed to, or return and re-enter when ready. I had to role model it.

Also if smothering with attention, having to sit next to Grandma, kiss grandma hug grandma, listen to grandma - that is full on some children don't like the attention.
Can it be paired back?

Hope any of this helps x

I think your place as his parent is to make sure that he knows that grandmother can sit where she likes! He may be pushing the boundaries/ this is a novelty / something new and he is testing things out, it is your place to make sure he understands what he can and cannot do.

He's fully entitled to his feelings, but he doesn't get to just throw invited family members out of the house when he thinks they've been there long enough. What would happen if, instead of a grandparent visiting, it was a new baby sibling who had arrived (obviously staying far, far longer than a week!), and whom he didn't want to be there in HIS house?

I get that being a small child is frustrating; but at that age, you don't often know what you actually want, much less what you need. If he said that he only wanted a family-sized bar of Dairy Milk for every meal and nothing else, absolutely nobody would be advocating that - even though I'm sure it would make him genuinely happier than ever being expected to try healthier foods.

The lies about DGM hitting him are seriously concerning. I can understand, to a 3yo, saying that you don't want somebody there - if you feel their presence is disrupting your normal routine or take attention away from you - and then following on by saying that they 'can't' or 'aren't allowed' to come in/sit there/do whatever... but to actually think to take that to the point of claiming abuse (not that he would understand that term, of course) is very worrying.

Maybe it was a very 'tall' embellishment of something that did actually happen - e.g. DGM didn't know that he'd quietly run up behind her and she accidentally bumped into him - but it sounds like he's saying it in an accusatory 'naughty mean nana' way, whatever did or didn't happen.

If he gets into the habit of falsely claiming that adults hit him to get attention or to get his own way, he could massively regret it if it leads to e.g. his father being forced to move out of the family home and only ever seeing him on occasional heavily-supervised visits. Even people on this thread are - maybe not unreasonably - asking if she could have hit him. Things like this can very quickly escalate.

Abuse of children is a gravely serious concern - which is why false claims of abuse of children are also deeply serious.

I had this OP. We knew they meant they just wanted their space back so we said they'll be going soon and ignored anything else. Grandparents didnt take it personally at all. It passed. They just wanted their space back, they weren't being mean or unkind. There's always something behind words like that. I never saw a need for consequences and neither did grandparents.

Your kid’s being rude.

He’s prob missing the Routine of nursery then. So his life has changed with them being there. He hasn’t his friends and constant amusement

and been in the home more - unless you have taken him out all day every day - he’s prob had enough of being at home

He knows it’s doesn’t feel normal at home and knows it’s her presence. He wants normal back.

18 months old is a toddler and when you are still counting in months! 2 and over is a small child and 3 is pre school!! Who is well aware of their behaviour on other by then - or should have been taught it!

He’s being rewarded by being rude and unkind to his grandmother snd getting given trips out with mum and parties for his horrible behaviour!

You’re forgetting here that some people only believe that their experiences are the only ones that exist.
She’s a grandmother so therefore things were “better in her day” 🙄

Wow! He's 3. He does not get to dictate how long people stay in his parents' home. It's not like it's a random stranger, it's his grandmother! He needs discipline not pandering to otherwise they're going to have a very spoiled brat on their hands, (if they haven't already!).

Exactly

Absolutely! Granny should be immediately thrown out and told that she can only come back when the little one says so. It's the only way!

He's only 3, and his feelings are pretty normal (id be over having a guest that long!) and hes also being rude. He needs to learn how to be respectful, even when he feels frustrated. I'd guide him on how to express himself without being mean, so he can play in his room and say something like "I need some space by myself at the moment" rather than saying she can't sit with him.

He's being a normal 3 year old. Thinking a child of this age is deliberately being mean shows a huge misunderstanding of child development.
You know him, you know what's best for him. Protect his emotional health and let the adults get on with it.

What a ridiculous thing to say. Three year olds behave in all sorts of ways, and how you respond to it is the parenting.
Are you really a nursery nurse if you go round telling people they are bad parents ?

Op I think gets the picture.
It can be normal for three year olds to speak like this, he is clearly saying he's unhappy, but he needs a short sharp 'we don't speak like that' , and perhaps removing from the situation.

To the pp who said her 1 year old can have conversations about feelings , and therefore a three year old should know better.... All children are different and their language and understanding differs. My child is almost 3 and just wouldn't be advanced enough to understand great chats about feelings.