AIBU to think my 3-year-old isn’t being “mean” and that family should stop taking it personally?

His routine was completely changed, he was taken out of nursery. Don’t suppose his opinion was sought first. Feeling powerless can be very overwhelming for a just 3 year old.

I limit my visits to 3 days and follow the family’s routine.

A grandmother whose children went to independent schools and knows from experience that the 3 year olds were in nursery and not school.

I think it sounds like he doesn't want mother in law staying there anymore. A week is a long time. I wouldn't expect him to be able to identify that he's feeling unsettled because of a change of environment and to communicate that. I would very much expect him at 3 years old to start saying something like "I don't like granny".

Is MIL actually offended by a 3 year old saying that? If a 3 year old said they didn't like me I'd assume it was because I was wearing a jumper in a colour they didn't like or something else ridiculous like that. Or that there was a deeper meaning behind what they were saying like in your situation.

I had my sister's staying last week. My 3 year old said she didn't like one of them when really she just didn't understand that she could actually like both of them at the same time.

If probably just say "oh why don't you like granny?" And see what he says, he might then tell you what's bothering him. Think your MIL is old enough not to be offended by a 3 year old.

The three year old is aware that he is choosing to say mean things to Granny.
I would verbally clarify what is happening..

"DS3, you can't be mean and not let Granny sit down just because Granny is staying a long time at your house. Come into your room with me and leave Granny to sit there happily."

Then in his room tell him how many more sleeps intil Granny goes back to her house. "She will miss you and we will miss her. Stay here in your room if you can't be nice to Granny."

Keep sending him back if he comes out grumpy.
In the meantime, have your husband take DS3 and Granny out to the park with a ball every day. Make sure Granny is associated with a fun activity not just hampering his life.

There is a reason they are called Threenagers! Honestly the part of their brain that deals with emotional regulation is completely under developed and they have only just learned concepts of love and hate so when the emotions get too strong they lash out using these new concepts which they don’t really understand. To them they are opposites so if they “Love” or want mammy they may express it as hating everyone else with not really understanding what hate really is. The other key thing to remember is that your child is hitting a developmental stage where they are beginning to see themselves as an individual with choices and the ability to say No and are trying to find out where they fit in the hierarchy of the household. They tend to challenge things a lot at this stage. I think our nursery called the stage “Power and Identity/power and independence”.

I would talk to your MIL and DH about it as it is normal and the target does change at different stages so you may get it yourself at some point. It is helpful reading about these stages and talking to people who work in the field as it helps you to know your child doesn’t mean hate the way we do and it is just a phase! At the end of the day we are grown ups and if we respond emotionally to something a child says they will respond emotionally too, they are really best to stay calm and say “well that is disappointing to hear/hurtful” and then just quickly move on. If she is lashing out I find my child regulates if one if us just hugs her for a minute and lets her have her big emotion.

My daughter (4) loves her dad and her nursery teacher but there are days when she is tired or coming down with something where she gets very overwhelmed and tells me she hates them all - she only wants me! When we visit granny she only loves granny the rest of us are rubbish. Tbh I find it a relief to be “hated” as normally she clings to me a lot! We have the chats, I tell her how sad words like hate make people feel etc… If she has been rude or angry we do have a stern chat about it! There have been times when I have said “well daddy just bought you X, maybe we should return it to the shops as we don’t take presents from people we don’t like”. Or he will suggest that maybe he shouldn't read her a bedtime story which leads to a quick backtrack. Not sure it’s the right approach. Honestly her behaviour is tricky when she is tired - but she usually accepts things after the chats. We’ve gotten a lot of the books about emotions too to help them understand anger, sadness etc…

But just to add, his parents wouldn't have chucked someone out of the house because he said they shouldn't be there. It's not about giving them control.
And it's ok to say, 'that's not a very nice thing to say' so they learn that.

I think it's fairly common. My grandson was nearly 3 I think when he had a brief period of saying things like this. We just gave him a bit of space and let him chill. He wasn't being mean - he's a lovely little boy - he was just articulating his own needs in a rather clumsy, 3 year old type of way.
It was a phase that didn't last long. Nobody should be taking it personally even if it is a bit unsettling sometimes.

I also think that children periodically like to check just how much control they actually do have. So at various stages they will try it out, to see how much they can bend their parents to their will. They don't always even mean what they say, they just want to see if they can get their own way. A little allowance isn't a bad thing, but saying 'no, this is not happening just because you want it' will not harm little Timmy and scar him for life. He'll shrug it off because he was only checking. Next week he'll try to get chocolate for breakfast for the same reason.

It will last a whole load longer than three minutes if he grows up learning that he can order adult guests to leave the family home and he gets what he demands. What would happen if mummy or daddy said something that he didn't like - just as normal parenting - and he started trying to order them out of their own home, or telling his nursery workers that "Mummy hits me", so that she will be told off and he will be allowed to get his way?

Children have to be parented, guided, taught and (gently) corrected all along the way. It isn't loving to just let them behave however they like, completely unchecked, and end up as clueless, out of control adults.

This should be obvious. The behaviour isn't acceptable.

I clearly said "Although we naturally prioritise children's feelings, that doesn't mean that adults must always suppress theirs."

Children need to learn that they are loved and very important, but not be spoiled and made to think that they and their own feelings are the only ones that matter. Yes, adults are there to help, love, care for and prioritise them; but they aren't emotionless, worthless robots themselves.

Why ever would it be a bad lesson to teach him that, just as he loves his mummy and wants to spend time with her, his daddy also loves his mummy and likes to spend time with her?

His behaviour is unacceptable and needs nipping in the bud he's 3 he doesn't get to tell anyone where they can or can't go and making up lies like she hit him is dangerous and he needs to understand he can't lie about things like that or your going to find yourself getting visits off social services when he makes things up because he didn't get his own way .

I don't agree. Many grandparents stay a week if they live further away. Unless he is getting turfed out of his room to accommodate MIL or his routine is severely changed, there really should be enough flexibility in kids. In any case, behaviour like this definitely shouldn't be tolerated, he needs to understand and have it explained that behaviour like this is unkind and not acceptable.

My god it's a phase that will last three minutes, drawing attention to how UNACCEPTABLE it is will just feed it.

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService he absolutely should suppress his feelings when they will only make the situation worse. Amazing you'll cut more slack for the great big man than the little child.

His behaviour is unacceptable and you are enabling it, why are you not taking him out so he has time without her?
Hubby could also take her out for a while without taking your child. Sounds like both you and hubby need a long chat.

I am missing some information. Has he been turfed out of his room to accommodate MIL? Have his routines been severely impacted? Then a bit of compromise is necessary, as it's his home too. If that's not the case, then it's time to have some teaching moments. A 3 year old doesn't get to decide who visits and how long they stay. That's creating huge inflexibility in kids. When my older son was 1, a friend of ours moved in for 6 months out of necessity. Similar situation again ten years later when my younger son was 3. We always had grandparents visiting for about a week, as tney all had to travel. The kids' rooms were off limits, but manners and acceptable behaviour were expected. In short, these are teaching moments.

Yes, a small element of control is good for children. But what do you do when he says he wants his baby sister to 'go home now'? Or you are talking to someone important (police?) and the child starts demanding that they go away?

I'm in favour of letting children control small things (which clothes they wear, which toys they have out) but also letting them understand that there are things that they absolutely HAVE to tolerate, even though they might not like it.

Telling a GM that she has to go home now because a three year old is tired of her presence is the height of pandering to me. What if she's flown over from Australia? What if she is moving in?

Why is everything so child-centric these days?! A 3 year old shouldn't be dictating the length of anyone's visit!

I actually love the way little children are so honest about how thei feel, even when I'm on the receiving end of their negativity

He's had enough of his granny staying, and wants his home to go back to normal. He's acting like a perfectly normal 3yo.

I'd tell him that he can tell me these things in private, but it's rude to say them in front of other people.

When is MIL leaving? Next year, only invite her for a weekend. A week is clearly too long.

Mother of 3 here and no way would i tolerate that extremely rude behaviour.

yes explain about it hurting people.

and then if he continues, I’d be punishing him in an appropriate way (tv turned off for example)

She needs to be the bigger person - laugh it off and tell him she still loves him whatever. Making a big deal of this could lead to it continuing and ruin their relationship. It may be hurtful but it’s due to his age and maturity, feelings of things being out of control in his home.

I had this with my Mum and DD when she was 3.

One night before bed she said something about not liking Grandma and I said, "It makes me feel a bit sad that you don't like Grandma, because I love her very much. She's my Mummy, like I'm your Mummy. When you grow up, you might have a little girl and I hope she loves me like you love me."

She thought about that for a bit and after that she loved her Grandma and we've never had any issues, it was like a magic cure. I do think in DD's case, my Mum can be quite smothering and almost competitive in the way that she loves people and DD wanted to make it clear that I "won" any contest for her love. I completely removed the idea that Grandma and I were in any kind of battle, at least not from my side.

My dgs is 3 and can say quite unkind things to me or my parents (his great grandparents) as he feels we are taking attention away from him. We do play with him so we're not ignoring him. We don't see him very often. Dd2 and her dh are not that consistent with their approach but he did seem better last time. Normally sil takes him upstairs and we don't see him again but last time he did stay and play with us. It's difficult though. It probably helped that we didn't stay too long!