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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be upset when Mum's have been banned from my child's team tour?

190 replies

Momoftwoscallywags · 08/11/2025 10:39

I have previously posted that my DS (13 years old) plays a team sport and that his team have had some new coaches this season.

Recently, the usual tour details were posted by one of the new coaches and it was stated that Mum's shouldn't be going on tour, as apparently this is traditional in this particular sport? And that if Dad's couldn't go, and you didn't want your child going alone, then an appropriate male guardian would be acceptable in their place.

Well, as you could image this has caused an up roar and did lead to a last minute change of heart by the coaches but I get the impression that the coaches didn't do this willingly and that they were told to do so by the club, but I am not 100% sure of this.

So now there are no Mum's on this tour and, shockingly, some of the kids haven’t been able to go on the tour because of their personal circumstances.
And, setting aside all the gender discrimination in this situation, it is this which I truly think is the most upsetting part of it all, as team sport should be for all kids and the coaches should be bending over backwards to make this happen for every kid, regardless of circumstances.

OP posts:
Agapornis · 08/11/2025 13:11

Greggsit · 08/11/2025 11:00

Ok. You are the mother where the coaches set up a WhatsApp group for the kids where they specifically excluded the parents. You were told, multiple times, that this is a breach of Safeguarding rules. The same coaches have again brought in rules that do the same thing. What is going to take for you to actually report this? These coaches clearly have no idea of their responsibilities. It needs to be taken to the FA, the RFU or whichever body is in charge of this sport. Stop passively moaning on mumsnet and start doing some to protect your and the others children.

Exactly this, report it.
Here's where to report it for rugby.
https://www.englandrugby.com/run/rules-governance/diversity-and-inclusion/report-an-issue

https://www.rugby-league.com/governance/safeguarding/reporting-a-concern

And here for football:
https://www.thefa.com/football-rules-governance/safeguarding/reporting-concerns

Reporting a Concern

https://www.rugby-league.com/governance/safeguarding/reporting-a-concern

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2025 13:07

Is there a regulatory body?

Have you been in touch with them @Momoftwoscallywags ?

CurlewKate · 08/11/2025 13:04

Oh, we’re not doing the “women are just as likely to be abusive as men” thing, are we? How tiresome.

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 08/11/2025 13:01

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 10:45

Would it be bonkers if they didnt want dads going away with a girls' netball team?

For me, yes. I know what you're saying but there are girls out there without mums, and boys without dads. It's discriminatory, plain and simple.

I don't know how they'd manage it, and when chaperones are needed - e.g. if the children need to share a room with their family member, or if dorms could be arranged - but if they don't want the dynamic interfered with by parents of a particular sex, they should just try to limit contact between players and chaperones on the trip.

I also agree this is a safeguarding red flag; it sounds like they are trying to hide some nefarious activity.

Greggsit · 08/11/2025 12:51

bridgetreilly · 08/11/2025 12:42

OP didn't say anything about a WhatsApp group.

Three weeks ago or so the OP wrote that the same coaches had set up a WhatsApp group for the team. Parents were specifically not allowed in the group. It was pointed out that this is against Safeguarding rules. Under both soccer and rugby rules (and most others I'm sure), coaches are not allowed to have underage players phone numbers, let alone be allowed communicate in secret with them.

These same coaches are now trying to exclude mothers from an activity with their children.

Even if the coaches are not doing this with nefarious plans, it is very very clear that they have absolutely no clue about Safeguarding, their role, and their sporting authority's regulations. They are absolutely unfit to be coaches and this needs to be escalated.

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:45

bridgetreilly · 08/11/2025 12:42

OP didn't say anything about a WhatsApp group.

Other people did based on OP's previous posts.

bridgetreilly · 08/11/2025 12:42

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 11:18

What whatsapp group?

Op: other people have alluded to a whstsapp group of this team where parents weren't allowed.

My son's team: I said I am not in it. I dont know about other parents.

OP didn't say anything about a WhatsApp group.

WearyAuldWumman · 08/11/2025 12:41

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 10:45

Would it be bonkers if they didnt want dads going away with a girls' netball team?

So long as the dads aren't trying to get into the locker room with the girls, there shouldn't be a problem.

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:38

BuckChuckets · 08/11/2025 12:37

I agree that most of us, unfortunately, will unwittingly know predators that are hidden in plain sight. But you knowing for a fact that you know multiple child predators...maybe change your circle?

Not everyone that I'd think inappropriate to be around children would be classified a child predator.

BuckChuckets · 08/11/2025 12:37

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:18

I just know my circle. Other people are oblivious to the characters in theirs.

I agree that most of us, unfortunately, will unwittingly know predators that are hidden in plain sight. But you knowing for a fact that you know multiple child predators...maybe change your circle?

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:22

hardstareglare · 08/11/2025 12:21

You just know better than everyone it would seem

Sorry if I make you feel as if you don't know much.

hardstareglare · 08/11/2025 12:21

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:18

I just know my circle. Other people are oblivious to the characters in theirs.

You just know better than everyone it would seem

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:18

BuckChuckets · 08/11/2025 12:12

I'm worried about your social circle from all your comments.

I just know my circle. Other people are oblivious to the characters in theirs.

BuckChuckets · 08/11/2025 12:12

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 11:22

I can. There is a mum in my son's team who I definitely wouldn't to be away with him in certain tour like situations. Especially as he gets towards his later teens and especially if she has had a few bevvies.

Equally, I can think of a thousand dads I wouldnt want away in a hotel with a girls' sports team.

I also generally think a time away for males or females of various ages is a great idea.

I'm worried about your social circle from all your comments.

hardstareglare · 08/11/2025 12:11

I don't think this is right because

  1. The dad's are not coaches and have not been DBS chekced so therefore the dad's are irrelevant to the well being of the group on tour only relevant to their own child.
  2. Because Dad's have a very well known terrible reputation on the side lines of boys sports.
BuckChuckets · 08/11/2025 12:08

PollyBell · 08/11/2025 10:49

I dont see a problem, if it was girls if they tried to ban dads would that be ok?

No

BuckChuckets · 08/11/2025 12:07

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 10:45

Would it be bonkers if they didnt want dads going away with a girls' netball team?

Of course it would

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:03

MasterBeth · 08/11/2025 12:02

Well done, you. You both sound amazing. Thanks for bringing it up on a thread about something else.

On a sports thread about children being coached in a sports team...

MasterBeth · 08/11/2025 12:02

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 11:05

I let my kids have a private coach/player relationship. Probably why my son is likely to play his sport internationally and at the top level.

Well done, you. You both sound amazing. Thanks for bringing it up on a thread about something else.

MrsBobtonTrent · 08/11/2025 12:01

I expect it's rugby. DS used to play and there were all sorts of rules about a parent always having to be present by the pitch in case of injury. And a parent had to go on tour to supervise their child. It didn't have to be a Dad, but invariably was. DH hated going (there was very much a beer/laddish culture which was not his scene) and we were glad when DS dropped rugby for another sport.

A lot of activities mandate a parent present to get around DBS/safeguarding rules - particularly in a mixed adult/child environment. Most chess/board/D&D games clubs run on this rule and I know several arts/crafts classes that allow a teen if a parent goes as well. It is a simple way to keep a child safe in a mixed environment without incurring expenses and time consuming training. Brownies/scouts are different because they are youth organisations set up specifically to cater for young people - so the proper safeguards should be in place. Youth rugby is different because of the injury rules.

QuickPeachPoet · 08/11/2025 12:01

Regardless of gender, parents should be cutting the apron strings and letting their children enjoy themselves with their mates doing sport without them.
I'm sure there are plenty of home games to watch them at.

OneAmberFinch · 08/11/2025 12:01

hardstareglare · 08/11/2025 11:55

and the ones who don't have a dad or a coach that is female.

How does that work?

They're 13yo boys - it's a group trip with other adult supervision. Do you insist on going on every school camp with your teenage DC? I'd be humiliated if my mum came with - all my friends would think I was a baby.

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 12:00

hardstareglare · 08/11/2025 11:58

Apparently he mums are banned

From the tour. The reason mums are unlikely to go unless they can stay is distance.

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 11:59

hardstareglare · 08/11/2025 11:58

So they take a male chaperone.

hahaha!!
Such positive role modelling.

It provides a boy (who obviously has not one other adult male in the world to come with him) the chance to meet another adult male that could potentially take on a mentoring role.

InterestedDad37 · 08/11/2025 11:58

JadeSquid · 08/11/2025 11:57

Because they can't stay in the hotel for this tour?

No I was just pointing out the literal use of the word 'sidelined'. I don't really know the answer to the whole question tbh.

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