Page 2 | Out of control kids

littlesnatchabook · 2025-11-07T23:23:39+00:00

Hi, I desperately need help with my kids please ☹️ I have two very 'spirited' little boys, whose liveliness has turned the corner into plain old bad behaviour recently. They are 6 and 3. The 6 year old I'm sure has ADHD but as yet is undiagnosed. The 3 year old I'm certain is neurotypical, just crazy 😁 Home life is not great, not awful either...I'm working on that, but in the meantime I need to be able to get some kind of order in the home. They are wild! They don't listen, mealtimes are a battle, the little one constantly pesters the older one, which inevitably leads to physical fights between them. They used to get on so well but they argue more often than playing now. They leave a trail of mess behind them. I'm so stressed out at not being able to get through to them and I end up shouting just to be listened to, which is not the kind of parent I set out to be. I do apologise but at some point that just becomes meaningless doesn't it. I really need some techniques to help me regain some control. I'm not too much into gentle parenting but I'm not for long timeouts on their own or harsh punishments either. Somewhere in the middle sits well with me. As specific as possible would really help me too. I have ADHD myself and really struggle with keeping up behaviour charts etc, plus neither child responded once the initial novelty wore off. Behaviours I need help with specifically: DS1 constantly getting up or stalking when eating dinner. Needs TV to eat. DS2 essentially does what he wants, screams, fights, throws things when he doesn't get his way. Feel beholden to him. having to physically carry or manhandle (not unkindly) DS2 upstairs for bedtime because he just won't go Asking DS1 to do something - have to repeat sometimes dozens of times DS2 jabbing at his brother - for example, DS1 sitting on the sofa drawing so DS2 lies there putting his feet on him and his notebook Lots lots more. Things I've tried: Pokémon card rewards or confiscation pocket money deductions toy confiscation short timeouts with an adult with them (this actually works for DS1 but DS2 makes it a living hell) a points system (works a bit for DS1 but hard to keep in top of and also I don't really know how to reward for it) Please please help. I'm desperate to be a better mum to them and I know I'm letting them down right now. Plus, I'm going insane.

Randomlygeneratedname · 08/11/2025 23:03

sleepandcoffee · 08/11/2025 03:42

I’m just going to make a list of things that work for us but they may not be suitable for you -
lots of outside time in all weathers , park after school , trampoline in the garden to bounce of the energy , time in some woods so they can be completely feral!
zero youtube - this has made the biggest difference in behaviour
Set up activity’s for each child separately after school so they have seperate unwind time .
just add water - bath / shower / play in the rain , it always seems diffuse my son when a mood hits him

The YouTube thing worked well here too. We banned it outright and both boys behaviour improved almost overnight. I think there is something really weird about it, you never hear parents say "my kids are so badly behaved after watching Disney channel", why is YouTube so different?

BeMellowAquaSquid · 08/11/2025 22:56

I’m really sorry if this sounds harsh as I can’t really relate to your situation but one sentence of your original post said ‘needs tv to eat’. This simply isn’t true, take the tv away put it in storage say it’s being fixed, will soon eat when hungry. Ok so this may impact you and other people in the house but it’s temporary. My niece (age 3) came over with my sister late afternoon today, my sister asked me to make her a late tea so I gave her some super noodles (no judgment here please we was eating our tea later) my sister said she won’t eat at the table you’ll have to let her eat it on her lap and I looked at my sister and simply said “like hell will she walk around with a bowl of noodles in my newly decorated house she can sit at the table or go without”. I made the noodles, sent my sister out with my own elder kids to the shop for 20 mins, sat her at the table and she ate the lot, no tv, no screens, I sat with her and we spoke about fireworks and she just got on with it. My sister couldn’t believe it when I got back. She then proceeded to create merry hell when my sister returned, threw one of my cushions and kicked my dogs water bowl for absolutely no reason. Don’t get me wrong my kids haven’t been angels for their whole lives but there are boundaries.

Original poster

littlesnatchabook · 08/11/2025 22:52

UsernameMcUsername · 08/11/2025 09:30

I notice you haven't mentioned screen bans. I'm pretty strict on screens anyway but total screen bans worked amazingly for me when they were that age, reinforced by actually physically removing the screens (the TV went in the attic for several days on one occasion 😂). I have two boys with exactly your age group and one is naturally very full of energy, so I'm not unsympathetic, but you have to be in charge. My youngest is a lovely kid now at age 10, but he absolutely needed rock solid boundaries and a degree of hard sanctioning at age 3-4. Other than that make sure you have the basics - lots of exercise, look at cutting out sugar, good sleep.

I will definitely consider a full screen ban, as terrifying as that sounds lol. May I ask what kind of sanctions you used for your son when he was 3/4?

OP posts:

Original poster

littlesnatchabook · 08/11/2025 22:49

JLou08 · 08/11/2025 09:18

What do you mean when you say home life isn't great? If they're in a bad environment the environment needs to change for meaningful change to their behaviour.
Struggling to sit at meal times might be a sensory issue, look at wobble chairs or weighted blankets. Try sensory circuits a few times a day to, get out for lots of physical activity.

Things are not good between me and their dad. Actually mostly it's that he won't bend in terms of how he speaks to and around them. I'm not in a position to do anything major right now but am working on it. We still need to be able to function in the meantime. I will look into sensory circuits, thank you, the older one definitely needs more of an outlet.

OP posts:

Crispynoodle · 08/11/2025 22:49

My DD has 2 boys the same age and she sticks rigidly to a routine that includes outside time for wearing out activities every single day come rain or shine, strict screen times, strict sit down dinners and strict bath before bed at a set time. This has worked for her I think it’s the consistency that’s the key.

Original poster

littlesnatchabook · 08/11/2025 22:43

Newname71 · 08/11/2025 07:54

Both of my DS’s (now 18 and 25) have ADHD. TBH I’m not really sure how we made it through their younger years intact. 😂
One thing I did pick up on in your post that we used and did work quite well is reward charts.
With kids with ADHD the rewards have to be soon ie not at the end of the month. They won’t be arsed being good for a whole month for a reward. I involved ours in the making of the reward charts. We decided together what some house rules were and then what rewards they would like. We also started out giving extra stickers for really low bar stuff. I mean ridiculous stuff because at the start there was hardly any positive behaviour to reward.

What kind of rewards did you decide on?

OP posts:

Original poster

littlesnatchabook · 08/11/2025 22:42

LilySad91 · 08/11/2025 07:46

It could be that it's not undiagnosed ADHD and it's something else?

Sometimes, for example, the children of 'gentle parenting' parents are considered to have ADHD but they're often actually just struggling with a lack of boundaries

I can see your point but it's less the bouncing off the walls that signals ADHD to me (although he does this also) but more the daydreaming, lack of attention span, hyper fixations, and what I suppose id kindly call 'faffing' around. Processing issues mentioned by school too. He's my mini me tbh 😆

OP posts:

Original poster

littlesnatchabook · 08/11/2025 22:36

@OwnGravityFieldthank you for your advice. A couple of questions if you don't mind...you say you would sometimes create little competitions - has this ever affected how close your boys are? And my most important question - I like what you said about having a leader mentality and really setting the rules, but I feel like I wouldn't know how to follow through with the rules. For example - it's against the rules to poke your brother - that makes sense but what would you then have done if they'd broken that rule?

A few posters have asked where my other half is in thrse scenarios...well, where indeed. Obviously a lot of the time he's just not there, he's working. And to be honest, when he is there he makes things worse. I can't change his behaviour, he won't listen. So I'm in this on my own really. I'm hoping he may follow suit if I can model for him.

One thing the youngest does is deliberately scream at his dad because he knows it 'hurts' his head (husband has PTSD and sensory issues). The only thing that stops this is being ignored but husband refuses to do this. I would love to hear some suggestions as to how I could put a stop to this if you have any.

OP posts:

Bubblefun70 · 08/11/2025 10:11

We tried out a book called 1-2-3 Magic. It worked well for us and can help for kids with ADHD.

Original poster

littlesnatchabook · 08/11/2025 10:04

Thank you so much for all the helpful advice! I have a busy day ahead but will be back later with some questions if that's okay. Feeling more positive already just from reading these x

OP posts:

UsernameMcUsername · 08/11/2025 09:30

I notice you haven't mentioned screen bans. I'm pretty strict on screens anyway but total screen bans worked amazingly for me when they were that age, reinforced by actually physically removing the screens (the TV went in the attic for several days on one occasion 😂). I have two boys with exactly your age group and one is naturally very full of energy, so I'm not unsympathetic, but you have to be in charge. My youngest is a lovely kid now at age 10, but he absolutely needed rock solid boundaries and a degree of hard sanctioning at age 3-4. Other than that make sure you have the basics - lots of exercise, look at cutting out sugar, good sleep.

JLou08 · 08/11/2025 09:18

What do you mean when you say home life isn't great? If they're in a bad environment the environment needs to change for meaningful change to their behaviour.
Struggling to sit at meal times might be a sensory issue, look at wobble chairs or weighted blankets. Try sensory circuits a few times a day to, get out for lots of physical activity.

Cyclingmummy1 · 08/11/2025 09:06

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 07:56

Thank you! It must be a worry for you to read some of the other advice on this thread

’let them eat standing up with the tv on because sensory’
’fighting is about dopamine’
’maybe if they get a diagnosis there’ll be more support’
’avoid situations where their feelings might be a bit hurt’
’just separate them and put them in separate places to stop the fighting’

Out of interest, how would that work in your classroom?

Show quote history

Passive parenting seems to be the current method of choice!

I've seen an increase over the last couple of years with children leaving their seats at random times, or putting up their hand in the middle of teaching to ask if they can get a drink. You need rewards and consequences. I get the ipad out to issue positive points and most of the class automatically sit up straighter - I don't even need to speak.

One of the best (or worst) has to be a parent a couple of years ago who was called in because the son had opened a toilet door from the outside. Obviously a safeguarding issue as there was a child (a girl in this case) at the toilet, but no recognition that this was a problem and if he had been a teen instead of an 8 year old then opening a toilet door like this could be viewed as sexual harassment. The parent told the child to leave the meeting with school staff and they would deal with it as it was 'too stressful for an 8 year old'. They then refused to acknowledge any wrongdoing on his part, initially stating that we were mistaken and he wouldn't do that. Mad as a box of frogs.

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 08:03

LilySad91 · 08/11/2025 07:56

This is perfectly put. Thank you.

I have a friend who follows the model of letting the children decide what to do, and the boys are now violent, not just unruly. I will send her your post

Show quote history

Those boys will be deeply unhappy then. They will struggle to have friendships, hold down jobs.

Worryingly, I see a lot of well meaning advice that sounds good, but in fact allows the status quo and permits even worse maladaptation - if you were slightly on the spectrum you’ll be worse as the years go by. It feels surreal as an older mother and experienced leader to see this advice be doled out, knowing full well it’ll mean a bad ending and exhaustion for the mother.

Frequently, this advice is doled out by people with no skin in the game, or who only have young children and haven’t seen it all pan out. Yes, it might be nice to let your children eat their dinner while viewing an ipad and dangling from a tree in a forest school, but this is merely a holding pattern, not ‘meeting needs’.

fromjabtofab · 08/11/2025 08:01

RabbitsEatPancakes · 08/11/2025 07:14

Cut out screens. They are temporary respite and generally make the behaviour worse around them. 3 weeks for behavioural change so whatever you do you need to do for that long. Get outdoors, puddlesuits on and go puddlejumping.

Set out visable routines for them- for the morning and after school. Basic and easy , mine do get home, shoes/ bag/coat away, get changed and wash hands. Instant reward, sets everything up with a good tone.

We have ADHD in this house and it's hard, consistency is key and lots of praise. Also get robot hoover- kids quickly tidy up when there's a machine trying to eat their stuff.

I agree with this, although we have girls with many teeny tiny doll parts. Rooms miraculously clear at the hum of the scheduled clean.....

LilySad91 · 08/11/2025 07:56

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 07:05

The behaviours you describe are normal for boys who need a leader, not a best friend and unfettered freedom. They don’t care about the points system you created because ultimately they see you have no status. They are currently vying for attention, learning that he who is most vile gets to dominate. You need to turn the tables and be in charge. Ideally, their father needs to step in - there’s something about a man’s voice that makes boys pay attention.

Rules, routines and competition work really well for boys. It means that instead of saying ‘don’t do x’, your language changes to ‘well done for x’.

Examples:
’let’s see who’s the best boy at sitting at the table nicely’
’let’s see who’s the quickest to put the toys in the toy chest’

Teach them them lots and lots of routines, such as how to lay the table, how to take the dishes to the dishwasher, how to make a bed, how to pair socks. Make the routines up - what we looking for is responsibility and success rather than actual usefulness ‘right, now it’s time to sort x’. All of these things followed by praise. Make a rotation of ‘who’s in charge’ of these chores - it’ll make them feel important (young men ultimately crave this status). Don’t do that silly thing of having a collaborative ideas session followed by democratic vote.

On the specific issues you cite
’no, it’s against the rules to watch tv while eating’
’it’s time for bed…well done the other brother for being a good boy….he gets a scary story where he is the hero tonight [created by chatgpt that I read to him]’
’it’s against the rules to poke your brother’

You need to be crystal clear, firm, and show them exactly where the line is. This requires a deep breath and an investment of energy. I know you’re tired, but unless you do this, things will get worse. The amount of testosterone in their bodies will keep going up.

Yours,

An experienced mother of 4 decent, kind young men who used to be little herberts.

This is perfectly put. Thank you.

I have a friend who follows the model of letting the children decide what to do, and the boys are now violent, not just unruly. I will send her your post

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 07:56

Cyclingmummy1 · 08/11/2025 07:48

This is excellent advice. Parents really need to take a more active part in setting boundaries and expectations so children can function in every day life. I have to run my classroom like a military operation with me as commander in chief.

Whether or not your child has an underlying condition, this behaviour is not acceptable. You are setting them up to fail.

Show quote history

Thank you! It must be a worry for you to read some of the other advice on this thread

’let them eat standing up with the tv on because sensory’
’fighting is about dopamine’
’maybe if they get a diagnosis there’ll be more support’
’avoid situations where their feelings might be a bit hurt’
’just separate them and put them in separate places to stop the fighting’

Out of interest, how would that work in your classroom?

Newname71 · 08/11/2025 07:54

Both of my DS’s (now 18 and 25) have ADHD. TBH I’m not really sure how we made it through their younger years intact. 😂
One thing I did pick up on in your post that we used and did work quite well is reward charts.
With kids with ADHD the rewards have to be soon ie not at the end of the month. They won’t be arsed being good for a whole month for a reward. I involved ours in the making of the reward charts. We decided together what some house rules were and then what rewards they would like. We also started out giving extra stickers for really low bar stuff. I mean ridiculous stuff because at the start there was hardly any positive behaviour to reward.

Cyclingmummy1 · 08/11/2025 07:48

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 07:05

The behaviours you describe are normal for boys who need a leader, not a best friend and unfettered freedom. They don’t care about the points system you created because ultimately they see you have no status. They are currently vying for attention, learning that he who is most vile gets to dominate. You need to turn the tables and be in charge. Ideally, their father needs to step in - there’s something about a man’s voice that makes boys pay attention.

Rules, routines and competition work really well for boys. It means that instead of saying ‘don’t do x’, your language changes to ‘well done for x’.

Examples:
’let’s see who’s the best boy at sitting at the table nicely’
’let’s see who’s the quickest to put the toys in the toy chest’

Teach them them lots and lots of routines, such as how to lay the table, how to take the dishes to the dishwasher, how to make a bed, how to pair socks. Make the routines up - what we looking for is responsibility and success rather than actual usefulness ‘right, now it’s time to sort x’. All of these things followed by praise. Make a rotation of ‘who’s in charge’ of these chores - it’ll make them feel important (young men ultimately crave this status). Don’t do that silly thing of having a collaborative ideas session followed by democratic vote.

On the specific issues you cite
’no, it’s against the rules to watch tv while eating’
’it’s time for bed…well done the other brother for being a good boy….he gets a scary story where he is the hero tonight [created by chatgpt that I read to him]’
’it’s against the rules to poke your brother’

You need to be crystal clear, firm, and show them exactly where the line is. This requires a deep breath and an investment of energy. I know you’re tired, but unless you do this, things will get worse. The amount of testosterone in their bodies will keep going up.

Yours,

An experienced mother of 4 decent, kind young men who used to be little herberts.

This is excellent advice. Parents really need to take a more active part in setting boundaries and expectations so children can function in every day life. I have to run my classroom like a military operation with me as commander in chief.

Whether or not your child has an underlying condition, this behaviour is not acceptable. You are setting them up to fail.

LilySad91 · 08/11/2025 07:46

It could be that it's not undiagnosed ADHD and it's something else?

Sometimes, for example, the children of 'gentle parenting' parents are considered to have ADHD but they're often actually just struggling with a lack of boundaries

latelydaydreams · 08/11/2025 07:43

I’m with PP here, we are sitting with no screens at dinner, heavily reinforced, because as an adult it is 100% socially unacceptable to be unable to eat sitting at a table with no screens at a) your girlfriend/boyfriend’s house, b) when you eat with colleagues c) when you are in a restaurant. Some things are non-negotiable, and if sitting for long enough is an issue, make meals small with that offset by decent/healthy snacks.

I also cannot imagine that school will allow wandering around with food at lunchtime, so it’s not impossible for him to do it therefore.

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 07:40

Fundays12 · 08/11/2025 07:36

As a mum of 3 boys one who is autistic and has ADHD i agree with all of this. I also work with kids and young people and they all need routines, boundaries and clear, consistent rules to feel safe and behave well. It sounds like theas boys are in charge not the op and that needs to change.

Kids that age also need a lot of movement time so park visits, trampolines, running, cycling etc. I would also be seriously limiting screen time including TV its very detrimental for kids especially ones who need to be active.

Show quote history

Agree with lots of movement time, too. These lads could be feeling a bit cooped up. It might be really difficult for the mother if she’s having to work from home while also supervising (which is more like damage control right now).

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 07:37

Daisymay8 · 08/11/2025 07:30

Is there another adult around at some point in the evening? so one is out for a late walk other is errrrr late walk in other direction (sorry it's dark in the evenings now otherwise I'd have said bike run, park )
Someone told me the fighting gives them a dopamine hit - so that is why it happens all the time.
Also heard that getting DCs diagnosed early speeds up support etc , diagnosis takes longer after 6
Probably allow tv during meals to get them to sit at the table.

Fighting is because they’re bored and haven’t learned social rules. Please do not make excuses for fighting. Their teachers, classmates and other parents will not appreciate or tolerate this.

Fundays12 · 08/11/2025 07:36

OwnGravityField · 08/11/2025 07:05

The behaviours you describe are normal for boys who need a leader, not a best friend and unfettered freedom. They don’t care about the points system you created because ultimately they see you have no status. They are currently vying for attention, learning that he who is most vile gets to dominate. You need to turn the tables and be in charge. Ideally, their father needs to step in - there’s something about a man’s voice that makes boys pay attention.

Rules, routines and competition work really well for boys. It means that instead of saying ‘don’t do x’, your language changes to ‘well done for x’.

Examples:
’let’s see who’s the best boy at sitting at the table nicely’
’let’s see who’s the quickest to put the toys in the toy chest’

Teach them them lots and lots of routines, such as how to lay the table, how to take the dishes to the dishwasher, how to make a bed, how to pair socks. Make the routines up - what we looking for is responsibility and success rather than actual usefulness ‘right, now it’s time to sort x’. All of these things followed by praise. Make a rotation of ‘who’s in charge’ of these chores - it’ll make them feel important (young men ultimately crave this status). Don’t do that silly thing of having a collaborative ideas session followed by democratic vote.

On the specific issues you cite
’no, it’s against the rules to watch tv while eating’
’it’s time for bed…well done the other brother for being a good boy….he gets a scary story where he is the hero tonight [created by chatgpt that I read to him]’
’it’s against the rules to poke your brother’

You need to be crystal clear, firm, and show them exactly where the line is. This requires a deep breath and an investment of energy. I know you’re tired, but unless you do this, things will get worse. The amount of testosterone in their bodies will keep going up.

Yours,

An experienced mother of 4 decent, kind young men who used to be little herberts.

As a mum of 3 boys one who is autistic and has ADHD i agree with all of this. I also work with kids and young people and they all need routines, boundaries and clear, consistent rules to feel safe and behave well. It sounds like theas boys are in charge not the op and that needs to change.

Kids that age also need a lot of movement time so park visits, trampolines, running, cycling etc. I would also be seriously limiting screen time including TV its very detrimental for kids especially ones who need to be active.

HP200 · 08/11/2025 07:34

This is a really good book but the course was thrown by the sunshine society