To think a 22 year old dating a 16 year old is dodgy?

I can only speak To my own experience, I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 23. We got married when I was 22. We didn’t have a child until I was 30. We’ve been together 25 years, and have supported each other through career changes, bereavements, education and many other major life changes. We’ve grown and matured together. In terms of relationship dynamics I’m the career driven, logical and pragmatic one, I make the big decisions and manage the finances, he leans more towards the emotional aspects and the household stuff he has a great work ethic, has always maintained a good stable job just doesn’t want to be in charge.

There is and never has been any kind of abuse in the relationship.

Of course it’s wrong

just because many of us did this back in the days (I was one of them) doesn’t mean it was ok. There are some differences now as many were working at 16 but still the vast majority were being taken advantage of by adults and this was almost always young girls and older men

thankfully children and young adults are more aware now and do not see this as normal or a situation to aspire to

@Marshmallow4545 totally agree. If I had married or bred with any of my teenage boyfriends I would have been stranded in some depressing village somewhere with a husband and kids and nothing to do.

I was with a boy when I was 19 who wanted to get married and for me to abandon my plans to go to university and have kids. He was the same age as me but I knew then that marriage at such a young age would drag me down. If he had been 15 years older than me he would’ve been much more persuasive and I might have been more likely to take him up on it.

There but for the grace of God etc…

Yes, most of us aren't with the same aged boyfriends that we had at 16. We change a lot as we mature into adulthood, life changes a lot and it's actually totally normal and probably healthiest in many years for the relationships we had at 16 to breakdown. I know I am deeply incompatible with the boyfriends I had at that age and could never build a life with them in the way I have done with my DH.

Those that are proudly stating that they are still with the much older boyfriends they met when they're 16 are problematic. I imagine you get a lot of doubters so sticking together would feel like you're proving then wrong. Sad really!

The dynamics are wrong from the start and asking a 16 year old to navigate this successful and healthily is ridiculous when a year ago she wasn't even legally allowed to engage in any kind of sexual relationship.

This. It’s actually very unsurprising that a girl of 16 who marries a man twice her age is still married 15 years later. What else is someone who started having children as a teenager going to do to support herself?

Saying “Oh but we’re still together so it’s all OK,” completely misses the point. You’re likely still together because you’re trapped.

I agree with a PP that you can’t really legislate to prevent this happening. All you can do is educate girls to understand its not in their best interests. And people who have done it can absolutely make the best of it. But can we please stop pretending its all tickety boo because it happened in the 80s.

You can't change the past but we can look at it with a more informed and knowledgeable lens. Lots of things were acceptable in the past that were often rooted in racist and misogynistic thinking. The acceptance of age gap relationship is one of these things. It's no suprise that as women's rights have risen, our perception of these relationships has also changed. We now expect women to be equal partners in relationships. This is almost impossible to achieve when a 16 year old girl is in a relationship with a 20 plus year old man. She legally can't do as much as the man, has so much less life experience and isn't even entitled to earn the same minimum wage as him. The dynamics are wrong from the start and asking a 16 year old to navigate this successful and healthily is ridiculous when a year ago she wasn't even legally allowed to engage in any kind of sexual relationship.

For the 16-18 year bracket I'd support a maximum age gap. Romeo and Juliet laws and clauses exist in some countries/states. Then full anything goes consent from 18.

The fact you're married and have two children now doesn't make it all OK. You are now only 6 years older than he was when he started a relationship with you. Are you sexually interested in 16 year olds? If not, why not? I suspect when you were 25 you were married and had kids. Would it have been appropriate for you then to get into a relationship with someone that potentially hadn't even completed their GCSEs yet?

I'm sure you believe you were just super mature and he was a bit immature for his age. That this essentially eradicated the age gap entirely and removed any power imbalance. A story as old as time and a very convenient one for men.

It was very strange what happened to you 15 years ago and certainly wasn't the norm at that time. The fact that he pursued you in this era is even more of a red flag. I am genuinely sorry and hope that one day you can talk this through with someone and get to the bottom of what actually happened and why a 25 year old man was interested in a child.

Haha that's ridiculous, no country on earth could bring in such a law, how on earth do you imagine it could be policed? Too silly for words.

Relationships with a large age gap. Half your age plus seven should be the law.

To make what illegal exactly?

The law needs to be changed to make it illegal.

Unless I've missed a response, this is once again a thread where multiple posters have come on to say 'I was 16 and my husband was 23 and we are still happily married 20 years later' and other posters ask
'so if your 16 year old came home with a 23 year old, that would be okay?'
Or
'So did you fancy 16 year old, when you were 23?'
And noone ever answers...

Right. I feel very uncomfortable around him now despite him being a seemingly normal bloke!

Yes it shows he is really immature emotionally. By this time and age where there's a lot of way to meet people it's indeed creepy. She is in developmental teen age and he is an adult by law. Bizarre.

What ?

It's the MN way, 'my way or the highway'.

So you believe the length of a marriage justifies the fact it was entered into in questionable circumstances?

I thought I was clear enough but apparently not. My comments were aimed at those who think an age difference is per se wrong in every case and it simply isn't, cases may differ. To be insulting those who have had a happy marriage despite an age difference is wrong, just because it doesn't fit the current views on MN, to do so is the height of arrogance.

This is not the kind of thing I would sit on and hope to fizzle out whilst a 29 year old man was getting his fucking kicks out of my child. Fuck that. You talk about grounding but I wouldn’t punish my child for being what is essentially groomed. I did however make them fully aware of the inappropriate nature of such relationships long before they reached that age, so to them it would already seem weird that a man was interested in them.

Trouble is that people are putting todays " standards" for things that happened 30 years ago. Seems to be commonplace on these forums

Your husband is disgusting.

I think he’s disgusting and likely was delayed mentally if he had much in common with a 16 year old at 26.

Gross!

I agree with you OP.

I dated a 22 year old when I was 15 and looking back at it he was a weirdo. At 22 I cannot fathom having anything in common with a 15 year old boy.

Yes it was much more usual. I had a 24 year old boyfriend when I was 16/17. I was definitely a bit out of my depth but thought I was really grown up and loved the fact he had a car. We split up when I went to college. I don't think he really took advantage (he still lived at home, was pretty young in outlook) but I wouldn't do it again if I had a time machine, mainly because it was growing up far too soon.