Have I been dumped?!

I think, given you have been each others bridesmaids up to now, it’s really mean to not ask you ( or explain to you) … and also worse not to mention it at all.
I am really surprised that no one asked at the hen do ‘who are bridesmaids?’ as it seems a perfectly natural thing to ask a bride to be… really strange. I would be hurt too @ffrindbyrdi , and you can be hurt without making it all about you.

I wouldn’t be initiating contact with them again, it’s terrible behaviour to a long standing friend

Sorry OP, this must be so hurtful.
It's the secrecy I would struggle to get past, very unnecessary.
I would definitely reach out to the closest friend you have in the group and voice your concerns. I think you deserve to know why.
Honestly, I would be looking for better friends, I would struggle to forgive this.

Sneaking
!!!

I do understand what you are saying but behaviour is a Language . It's the speaking around. They didn't want the op to be a bridesmaid or part of the wedding party, that suggests the op is no longer in inner circle
.

Traditionally bridesmaids were literally that - unmarried "maids". That isn't the case now, but some people may still avoid having mothers, particularly if they want to be a main priority for the bridesmaids in the lead up to the wedding/organising the hen etc (out of interest, who organised your friend's hen?). I had my 3 cousins when I got married, when my cousin got married she had the other 2 cousins with my dd and her new husband's niece as flower girls. I assume she thought I wouldn't want to be a bridesmaid because I'm married and/or a mother, I don't think it was out of a lack of affection for me

Firstly, I am sorry you are hurt and I do understand why you are, fully. I don't want anything I say next to come across like I am belittling your feelings, which are real and valid.

BUT, I am a woman who has close female friendships that are very important to me, and have been throughout my life. I have been a bride twice (late 40s now), but never once been a bridesmaid.

There have been women I half expected to ask me, but they didn't. It could be because the friendships meant/mean more to me than to them, but I choose not to see it that way.

It's a particular role, and you pick particular kinds of people to fulfil it. And clearly I have just never seemed the bridesmaid type. I'm not especially into hair, beauty, makeup etc - so that could be why. (I like to look nice, but my own version of nice - I guess I am not a conventional dresser in that sense).

I had a bridesmaid for my first wedding, an amazing friend I am still extremely close to now, over 20 years on. We holiday together etc - to be honest I think of her as (one of my) non-biological sisters.

When she got married about 6 months after me, she chose a different bridesmaid. A woman who I believe she no longer sees at all.

Was I hurt? Slightly.

Did I consider myself friend-dumped? No. Has it altered the way I see her, or the friendship? Also, no.

I get that your situation feels worse because of the other people involved, and what must feel like deliberate secrecy about it.

But there are reasons I can think of even from just reading your thread. Your son being the big one. I presume he is still pretty little? The bride and her friends may have assumed you would be way too caught up with motherhood to be able to give headspace to bridesmaid duties, dress fittings etc. And in a really pragmatic sense, they may have assumed you would need to be holding/tending to your son during the ceremony, which would make bridesmaiding awkward if not impossible.

You also don't mention finances, but could that be a consideration? With a dependant you have financial considerations others don't. There is a financial burden to being a bridesmaid, even if you don't pay for the dress itself - travel costs to dress fittings and so on, possibly the cost of appropriate underwear if it's a certain type of dress. Plus the need to find babysitters every time you attended a fitting, or bring your son, which wouldn't be much fun for him.

If your friends are lovely in other ways, I honestly don't think it's worth assuming the worst. If your friends have been keeping their distance a little since your son's birth, that too may be for the best of intentions - not wanting to crowd you when they assume you will be busy with the little one.

If you actually have scope to socialise more (not sure if your son has another involved parent? Or you may have parents of your own who help a lot with childcare) then I would perhaps organise a couple of meets yourself, so they realise you are still in a position to do nights out.

I really hope I am right, and that they aren't just a bunch of mean cows. If they are, I apologise for wasting your time with this super-long and irrelevant post.

But I always think it's better to believe the best of people, when the best is still plausibly the truth....

Good luck.

I think they've got closer as a group and you have become the de factor less close friend. The way they have gone about it would give me the serious ick as far as the friendship goes. I would back away and find some better friends, you are now at different life stages and they see you as someone in a different percentile for want of a better word!

I’d talk to one person, whoever you feel most comfortable with, and ask if something has happened or if you have done something that lead them not feeling comfortable telling you that they would all be in the bridal party. You can let them know you don’t have any problem with them being bridesmaids, they all looked gorgeous etc, you just cannot understand why this was not mentioned to you.

Honestly, it is probably because you are at a different stage of life -are you the first one to have a baby? They may have just made assumptions about you would want/not want to do. Brides are often self absorbed when it comes to their weddings but your friends should have let you know.

Im not confrontational, but I would at some point in the not too distant future make clear how hurt they’ve made you. What have you got to lose?

it’s very easy just to back away, but they will then just justify their own behaviour to each other.

id be clear and concise with it, you were confused and hurt to have been excluded and that you have been left wondering what has happened.

You Can then either move on from them, or sort it out.

leaving it will just leave you wondering and being the injured party. Take back a bit of the power and get a conclusion / closure.

I wouldn't say dumped...sidelined maybe.
I wouldn't actually care about not being a bridesmaid, but it would piss me off that it had very clearly been hidden from you. Nobody had the guts to just tell you, they all fannied out and let it be a nasty surprise on the day. That's shit. I don't think I'd be making an effort with them going forward.

I don’t think you’ve been “dumped” - you were still invited to the wedding, hens etc. However, they handled (all of them - not just the bride) this really poorly. It must have been deliberately decided to not mention or discuss in front of you, separate group chat, etc. You should not have been in the position of walking in to that wedding and finding out you were only one left out at the actual event.

Having said that, having children changes things. The dynamics of even the closest friends change. I don’t think I could move past this (but I’m not an overly forgiving person). I wouldn’t blow up the friendships but I’d definitely downgrade it. If a meetup didn’t suit, I wouldn’t rearrange my plans. Perhaps in time they will apologise (if the bride has kids soon and gets relegated to the sidelines) but you might have already moved on.

Did they think you would be too busy attending to your baby so you couldn’t take on the role of bridesmaid? If you’re married with kids you’re not really bridesmaid material anyway? I think you and your mates are just at different life stages. They’re still your mates. And when they start having kids you’ll get closer to them again. I wouldn’t go off in a strop about this. Not everything centres around you.

The bride maybe asked them to so they didn't ruin the weekend for you.

You know them all, do you think they were being malicious, or just a bit thoughtless?

Oh that is shit.

dumped by that one girl - yes
And let down by all the others.
the bride should have talked to you about it and if she hadn’t then one of the others should have done
it’s a really shitty thing to do to you
just because your life is at a different point to theirs
But they have shown their true colours.

listen.

Invest in real friends. Ones that hold you up and help you sparkle.

and. Work out if any of those girls could be a real friend or if they are all in the bin.

at some point it would be worth clearing the air and speaking to the one you are closest to about the situation. Ie did you miss a WhatsApp or email. Or just get an outline of the timeline.

and then move on.

something similar happened to me. One of my closest friends ran off and got married and moved out of the country without seeing me when I had a really small baby. Was weird as her first born is about 7 months older so felt even more difficult.
it was as if our life transitions did not line up and poof she was gone out of my life.

but that is life. I read somewhere that you only really have time for 3 good friends so focus on finding out who they are. (Remember it can change over time too!)

No, you've not been dumped. You were invited to the hen and wedding. I have friends that I love and mean a lot to me but weren't bridesmaids at my wedding. Don't read too much in to it.

I can see how this could have happened.

You've missed some meet ups due to the baby, it's been decided who was bridesmaid at one of these, she didn't ask due to you being busy - fair enough, has probably thought she would catch a moment to tell you, and a moment just never came up.

There's nothing to feel shit about, you were invited to the wedding although you've drifted apart a little due to different lifestyles now, you had a great time at the wedding, you just werent a bridesmaid, you still get invited to meet ups so its not like they simply cut you out of their lives.

Awwwww, sorry to hear this, OP. Sounds like quite a blow. Hope you’re ok xx

I found that the friends I'd had before my first baby was born were less interesting to me, and less interested in me, too.

Becoming a mother changes everything.

I soon made new friends who also had babies. It was easier to talk to them.

You've mentioned that your old friends don't even mention or discuss your baby. That's what I'm getting at. Things move on and change once we become mothers.

Horrible way to treat a 'friend' she could have warned you prior. I don't think I would be able to look at the friendship with the same view again to be honest, I would be hurt too.

They’ve not necessarily dumped you but maybe changed how they view you since you’ve had your baby. Just a bit different from them now. It’s hurtful. Don’t fall out with them but be sure to make new friends.