Have I been dumped?!

It’s the walking in blind that really got me I think! My DH just looked at me like WTF is gong on when all my friends started walking down the aisle in matching dresses.

This and not mentioning it over the hen weekend is absolutely cruel, OP. The fact that they as a group kept you in the dark. You're going to feel very hurt. Don't try to minimise it.

At some point though (agree, not this soon after her wedding) I think you need to raise how hurt you were.

How many of them are there? Were they all bridesmaids at your wedding?

That's shit behaviour from all of them. The other bridesmaids were obviously told not to say anything to you because none of them mentioned it. The least the bride could have done would have been to ask you if you wanted to be a bridesmaid now baby has come along. Even your DH was stunned!
I would have to say something- but that's just me- and I would find it very hard to see the friendships with all of them in thesane light

There could be many reasons that you weren’t chosen as a bridesmaid but to let you find out like that, when the tradition is that you all bridesmaid for each other, was really shitty. It must have been a real blow and I’m sorry.

Only you can decide whether it’s enough to lose a longstanding friendship with the group over. As by also not telling you, the other ladies have already picked their ‘side’ in this.

If you don’t rely on them as your only friendship circle, pull back and branch out with others. I suspect that there will be more and more babies coming along which will make them all reevaluate their behaviour anyway. You may find they look to you then as the experienced mother in the group. It’s up to you to decide how much you let them in from now on though.

I think you've been demoted rather than dumped. They're closer friends with each other than you. Bit of an ouch if you didn't realise that. You can still be friends but you probably need to re-evaluate this friendship.

Yes those too. I have friends who don't have dcs. When dcs are babies it's nice to have friends who have them too.

were there other people at the hen who weren’t then bridesmaids or just you?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel dumped, and can imagine seeing them all as bridesmaids on the day would have been like a punch in the stomach!

though I can’t imagine being good enough friends with someone to think I should be a bridesmaid, but not good enough to not ask who their bridesmaids were, on the hen do at least!

But did she hide it, or did you just assume?

Or just new friends. I know some people love "mum friends" but it's not for everyone - OP doesn't have to feel that being a mom is what defines her now. (I don't mean that horribly to anyone who loves their mum friends - I am just saying, every mum is different).

I don’t think you’ve been dumped. The friendship has just changed and perhaps you didn’t feel it, but it’s changed for them. That does happen and the one who doesn’t see it feels upset (understandably so), but that’s often the point - they for whatever reason haven’t been able to make an effort with the friendship and after a while, the others carry on as normal.

I also don’t think they deliberately kept quiet at the hen. I think it just wasn’t mentioned. Whenever I’ve been on a hen I already know in advance who the bridesmaids are because it’s come up in conversation with the bride and bridesmaids are never really talked about at the hen.

On one hand, I feel like they thought the friendship changed and you knew that too so there was no need to talk to you about it. But from your perspective, when you think everything is the same pre children, it’s a huge blow and the bride should have mentioned it rather than you finding out that way.

OP sounds like you may have both been a bit wrapped up in your own worlds here. If you’re such good friends I don’t understand how you got to the wedding yet knew nothing about the bridal party. Did you never even ask her plans? Sounds like you’ve shown little interest in her wedding and she’s probably shown equally little interest in you since you had the baby.

Genuinely can’t understand getting to a very close friends wedding and not knowing who the bridesmaids were going to be.

I’d be upset too. You must’ve been in shock all day. What a difficult day it must’ve been for you. I wouldn’t say a word. Their actions have spoken.They sound bloody selfish. Time to let in new friends. Onwards and upwards! Xx

Don’t for a minute think it has anything to do with you not being good enough- it will be more to do with their selfish priorities. Sod them!

Only you know the dynamic of your friendship group OP and if you feel this is 'off' it probably is.
The way you descibe the others appearing on the day in the matching dresses unbeknownst to you made me feel sad. I can understand why that felt like a punch in the gut...even your dh knew it wasn't as expected.

I don't know how to advise you but I understand why you feel as you do.

I don’t think you’ve been dumped (you got invited to the wedding after all) but I do think it seems like your lives might have started to go in different directions since you had the baby.

Perfectly natural although I understand upsetting.

How old is your son? Is it possible she didn't chose you because she didn't want to add any stress to you being a new Mum? Having a new baby does absorb energy levels as well as money, sometimes if they are ill you have to cancel plans and then there is the whole thing with how much our bodies change. I know you say you hardly mention him (which I find a bit weird) when out and but trying to show your the same as them when with them and not be a mum is hard when they are your child is your priority.

I’d perhaps say something to one of the people you’re closest too along the lines of “you looked lovely at the wedding - tbh I didn’t know who the bridesmaids were going to be or if she was having any as she never mentioned them”. Then say nothing and see what she says. Don’t mention the hurt - see what your nicest friend says in terms of the facts… then you can say you know it was a shock that nobody mentioned it and we’ve all been each others bridesmaids.

But it must have felt like rejection if you’ve all been friends so long and bridesmaids for each other & you were the only one excluded. She could have said “look I know you’re pregnant/you’ve had a baby and prob don’t need the hassle so I’ll leave it up to you if you want to be a bridesmaid”. To exclude just one friend is awful but only the bride is to blame.

It’s just so strange not it mention it at all. Not to mention hurtful. Friends chat about their wedding plans, discuss issues etc.

I wouldn’t actually ever say anything about this. You will get some fudgy bollocks response. So what’s the point? They have all behaved badly and they will all know they have.

So I would just fade from their lives slowly and deliberately. No drama. Just don’t initiate meet ups. Maybe don’t go to any meet ups since they deliberately excluded you anyway.

Concentrate totally on making new friends.

That sounds so hurtful. I can see why you’re so affected by it 😥 I would be too, it’s the deceit, isn’t it.

did you have messages with the other friends ahead of time with ‘what are you wearing?’, etc? What did they say?

When you say you’ve missed a handful of meet-ups since the baby, how many are we talking about? Maybe if it’s been quite a few they feel it’s you who’s checked out of the friendship?

Oh blimey, that’s really mean of them not to even mention it to you. I find that quite deceitful, as there must have been a separate wedding WhatsApp group etc. I’d take a step back if I were you because I wouldn’t be able to look at them in the same way right now.
Let’s see if they want your friendship when they’re in the thick of baby struggles!

i know it can feel personal but try to step back- you too could have asked about bridesmaids. If you’re so far removed to have not been chatting with the bride about her wedding, colours, style of dresses and who for bridesmaids maybe she feels you have dropped her??

just another perspective

Aw that's awful. I think you're better off without them if they've treated you differently since becoming a mum and now this! For the whole group to be bridesmaids and it being hidden from you is snakey.

How mean of them.

I agree with making new mum friends.

Hi OP

I'm sorry this has happened to you and get how you must feel so upset. One thing I'm wondering though is you wrote you assumed the bride had no bridesmaids. Did you never ask her? Is she really that close a frien? Surely that's something you'd naturally ask
Obviously you've had a lot to distract you and friendship dynamics can drastically change when babies start to arrive, but maybe to the bride its come across that you weren't interested.

I hope you're OK, it's horrible to be left out