To find this statement from DP strange

OP and her child ARE his family.
She's not asking him to choose. She's said that she tries to keep the peace and only told him about this "after months of keeping quiet." that she needs to see less of MIL because dealing with her is so stressful... See less. Not choose one side or the other.

So you think the OP is batshit and should kowtow to her bullying mil and her husband who has told her he is at his happiest hanging out with his mum.

Yes, you did imply that she's batshit. Yes, you know you did. Yep, absolutely you did and you meant it.

You should read The Yellow Wallpaper. You'd probably think the husband was the hero of the piece 😆

OP has not suggested that he not see his bullying mother at all, however. Just that her bullying has made her unhappy and she wants to take a step back while he can see them as much as he likes, she literally said she has no problem with him seeing his bullying mother as much as he pleases.

I wish people would respond to what the OP says on mumsnet, not an interpretation based on their own lives.

It depends. If my husband suggested I didn't see my parents I would leave. Its very controlling. That doesn't mean that you have to see them all the time or even at all but unless they have done something hideous I think yabu

Thank you. And how often do you see your MIL?
You have recently had a baby and this puts you and your partner in a vulnerable position.
I reflect on when my son was a baby and I some really strange thoughts that didn't reflect reality.

The bullying mil has forced a confrontation, if she'd been normal none of this would have happened. And her dh has told OP to accept the bullying of his mother. This is on them. Also on OP for not telling the bullying woman to fuck off off with her interfering right at the start - we get the treatment we wil tolerate.

Oh and absolutely NO my mother was wonderful with my kids when they were little and not even remotely overbearing. It's not normal to be that way. Not at all.

Yep. This.

I think most of us find our parents, grandparents and in-laws overbearing. It’s a tale as old as time and something you have to accept and things will likely change quickly as our child and relationship grows.

It’s interesting that it is a sign of an abusive relationship if a man makes his wife/partner choose between him and her family, but it seems most of the people on this thread are encouraging the OP to make her partner choose between her and his family.

I feel happiest when I’m with my grandparents. It’s a different kind of bittersweet happiness and hard to explain. But it doesn’t mean I’m going to run off and move in with them. And it doesn’t mean I don’t feel happy with my parents, for example.

Your mil does sound a bit of a mare and good you stood up to her or just ignored her and carried on regardless.

But you OP was about your husband saying he preferred being with his parents. That's quite a thing to say. Have you asked him why? And what was his answer? Perhaps, it was said in a moment of frustration?

😂😂😂
Life with mum and dad doesn’t involve broken sleep, nappy changes, being expected to do half the housework and cooking, having to share attention.
Why do you have such a downer on OP?

She needs to remind him that when a man marries (or sets up similar relationship) he cleeves to his wife and leaves his parents. That is culturally he is in the wrong.

They haven't. You have a DP problem. Tell him to tell his mother to back off.

Having now been made aware of the sort of things she does to upset you OP, I would be inclined to say next time she makes some criticism of the nappies you use, 'well that's your opinion MIL, but unless you're paying for the nappies we use, then you have absolutely no say in the matter.' Then continue to glare at her, but don't say anything further, until she's responded. If she says something along the lines of 'I was only trying to help', then say 'well don't, I don't need your advice as to how to rear my child, but if I do, I'll ask for it, so in the meantime I think it would be better if you keep your opinions to yourself!' You may find that she decides to leave shortly afterwards, but if it develops into a row, just say, 'I think it's best you leave now, as you clearly can't accept that 'baby's name' is my child, and when it comes to caring for him I know best, so perhaps don't bother to come back until you can, as your overbearing attitude is not welcome here!' If your partner doesn't like it, then he'll likely piss off to Mummy when she tells him what you've said, in which case you won't need to go to the trouble, of kicking him out.

So you have no family around? That must be tough. Many of us had wonderful support from our mothers, and I’m sorry you haven’t. What your MIL is doing is really undermining. Outrageous really. Are you so invested in having her as ‘family’ that you’ve let it get this far instead of shutting her down?

I really think that the glaringly worrying thing in all this is that your partner has said that he is not sure if he has a future with you. That is a monumental piece of information and needs to be challenged.

It may be that he's very used to doing what he's told by her. Peaceful life, probably. There's no reason for you to though and honestly the next time she starts, can you say, 'MIL, please stop/don't. The baby is fine and DH and I have discussed it'. Now, would you like a cup of tea?' If she starts the 3rd person crap, 'MIL, please don't. It's not helpful or kind'.

It's not peaceful for you though, is it? You can wish for her to change forever, but the fact is that nothing will change unless you change it. Sometimes you do that by giving up on caring whether it's awkward. MAKE it awkward - for her. Return awkward to sender, as they say. She's the one being rude, so let HER be the one who suffers as a result. Or, you know, fume in silent rage for another twenty years or so. Your choice.

Go on the "captain awkward" online advice page and read some of the posts tagged "families" and "parents" and "boundaries" and "saying no". Lots of good scripts. Be brave!

I have not said anything to her to keep peace

Whose peace?

There are cultures where high levels of involvement from mothers in matters concerning the domestic life of their adult children, and the raising of grandchildren is not seen as 'holding mummy's hand'. It's seen as an entirely reasonable way of the family benefitting from the experience if older members.
White British culture did have an element of this, and still does, but to a lesser extent now than in times past. There are other cultures that still value this model of living.
I think that's what PP was referring to.

Tell him it's her or me. And be prepared that he will say her and you will have to throw him out

You don't have to justify anything - she has no authority over you. She doesn't get to "tell you off" - you are neither a child, nor her child. It'll be hard at first, but you really will have an easier time in the coming years if you get this straight with her now. Don't let anyone treat you like that.

I think a lot of men struggle when a baby comes. Posters have put it more eloquently than me, but women knuckle down and men often just want to run away. He might be saying he’s at his happiest when his mum and dad come round and help out.

I would also say that my mother-in-law became overbearing as soon as we had a child. She was alright before then. We’ve managed to create some distance which helps.

So what I’m trying to say is it might mean that it’s just knackered when it’s you two and the child, and being with his parents gives him a break. And also when you get to know what you’re doing you rely on the in-laws less so that might become less a problem in the future.

But you do need to have it out with him with what exactly he means. Is he just sleep deprived and being a man child?

What would happen if you stuck up to her? She clearly doesn’t give a shit about offending or upsetting you, so you are no longer obliged to walk on eggshells to avoid offending or upsetting her. What would happen if you called her out on her behaviour?

It very much does sound like you have a DP problem, he should have your back and he doesn’t. But, since he doesn’t anyway, you might as well try to fight your corner on your own.

As the brunt of looking after a new baby normally falls on the mother, OP probably hasn't had time to pander to her immature partner's needs. You obviously think that OP should feel blessed to have such a useless partner and shoud appease him out of fear of losing him.

It's weird for a grown man in his late thirties to say that he is at his happiest with his mum and dad, rather than his partner and his child.

Not married being beside the point? How can you be so blind? If he married you, he would have shown his interfering mother that you are important - not like some rando partner, but a wife. His mother is of the generation, surely, where marriage meant marriage - leaving your parents and being a unit with the wife and a partner - she probably attaches the same level of importance to 'partner' as to her son's friend, tbh. A marriage, if you treat it as marriage should be treated, is a contract, a promise to live by - not just for your two (a piece of paper as they say) but for everyone around your family unit - his parents, random men and women trying to go after you two, your children, the society. How can people not see that? Some commenters on this thread are like 'try marriage counselling' - yeah, right, try it - say 'we are not married, but I want a degree of commitment only usually associated with marriage' and see what a marriage counsellor will tell you. But then again, they will probably happily take your money and counsel regardless.