To find this statement from DP strange

Agreed but as I’m not in that situation, neither is the OP, it doesn’t apply.

In this day and age where we have some recognition of violence against women, would you not want your adult daughter to always know she can come home, even with absolutely nothing?

@JadeSquid and @outofofficeagain I once had the misfortune to encounter such parents and the appalling effects they had.
Awful.

I think you should phone him at work when she says stuff like that- immediately, just say hang on a moment Moira, phone him, put him on speaker and say do your mum has come to visit, it seems to be to tell me we are now using the wrong nappies. Could you answer this one please?

and repeat. Tell him if he wants his mum to be allowed to visit while he’s not here he needs to be prepared to answer to her bullying a new mum and his wife, so to take your calls, or you won’t let her in.

It sounds like a silly thing said in a fight. My husband has said silly things while arguing as have i. Equally, I really love being with my parents and can understand how the people who raised you often 'get' you the best.

HOWEVER! none of that is an excuse for poor behaviour. At the end of the day, my husband would sulk a bit at the inevitable baby take over, then he'd pull himself together and take the bins out or whatever, because thats life.

Communication is key. As long as you've made it clear that he can go over a couple of times a week with your baby to his parents, then he should have nothing to worry about.

I stopped making such an effort with my in laws recently. They were being complete know-it-alls about something and I just couldnt be listening to them. They said to my husband one day "gremlins is avoiding us" but I had to say to my husband that no, I wasn't avoiding them, I was just not making as much effort and it was really showing me how much I had previously been the one to make the effort. Im not brokering my husbands relationship with his parents or theirs with their grandkids any more!

I think you'll find once the baby stage is over, everything will settle down with your MIL. It certainly did for me once my MIL realised I wasn't going to play dolls with her 24/7 and do what she told me. Also once kids start having tantrums its less novel for the grandparents!

Fantastic post drowning in common sense.
Thank you

I’m struggling to answer you without outing myself @JadeSquid but trust me when I say I AM one of those other parents.
What I don’t and won’t do is get involved in their relationships. That’s their business, not mine, which suits them (and me) and is at it should be.

Yes. My friend’s parent are definitely the ‘we’ve raised competent adults who don’t need to rely on us’ kind.

She’s been in therapy for years as a result.

Take back your control. Tell your husband you don’t want a fight but you won’t be told what to do all the time and be made miserable.

Sorry but if you want something to change you’ll have to effect it. Use your words. ‘That’s very interesting Maureen , but it’s not your decision is it?’ ‘ You’re not the boss here, are you? Would you like a cuppa? No, ah well. Best call before coming over next time. I want to enjoy my maternity leave and you’re constant criticism is stopping that. If you want to spend time with us you’ll have to learn to bite your tongue and stay in your lane’.

Don’t get drawn into fight. If she retorts just smile, hold up your hand and leave the room/ house. Next time if you’re on your own, don’t answer the door!!

And then a lot of other parents make sure their children and grandchildren know they will ALWAYS have a home at theirs, even if it is a squeeze or whatever. That's because they want them to come straight home if they feel unsafe or are in trouble of some sort. They don't want them to feel a burden or ashamed or a failure.

Maybe he’s just biting back because you basically said you hated his mum. I’m sure you would’ve been equally pissed off if he’d slagged off your parents?

There’s a point in a parent’s life when they expect their AC to stand on their own two feet financially and emotionally. This is what I did. It seems you don’t.
My parents taught me to be independent. This is what I have done with my AC. I’m there for them but if their relationships break up I don’t expect them to run home to mummy. They don’t.
Now give up trying to get me to yield. I won’t.

Well yeah, me too. But my mum wouldn’t visit my husband without me and criticise his parenting choices right down to his nappy selection, and criticise him to our baby by talking about him in the third person. Would yours?

I was just thinking exactly the same thing as Wonderland. I would’ve been heartbroken if DH had said this about my mum, as I’m sure DH would have been if I’d said I didn’t want to see DMIL again.

op, google 'family enmeshment'. It's a toxic family dynamic without boundaries and dependencies... all very unhealthy.

Are you confident that he didn't mean that he is happiest when you are all with his mum and dad?

My DH was very close to his parents and sibling, but not at a detriment to me. They were lovely people, and I could see for myself how relaxed he was around them.

But knowing how much he loved me and our children, if he said something like that, I'd know that he was comparing us being at his parents, to us being at any other activity/being with friends etc.

So stop doing what she says rather than telling dp.
If she says something. You reply 'no X im doing it this way as its my choice as dc parent'

Practise and keep repeating.

@Totaleclipseofaheart I’m going to recommend you do what @Redwaterr did. Sensible advice, you tell mil no more unexpected visits, no more telling you what to do with your child. I’d add telling your dp that an information diet going forward, there is no need to tell his dm you’ve changed nappy brand, wtf?!

It doesnt mean that she has shortcomings or is wrong about or for anything. It just means that the relationship doesn't meet his needs and they are incompatible. Sometimes you discover that the further into a relationship you go. You just want different things from life

ok. I wasn’t clear. You implied his unfulfillment was a result of her shortcomings. She does not fulfill him because she is lacking in some way? Not because he is being a dick.

I apologise if that isn’t what you meant.

Yes you clearly said that instead if returning to parents, adults go and find new partners. Sounds very unhealthy to me. Returning to your family to reset and heal sounds much healthier.

Did I say when people start a new relationship? Did I imply they don’t take time to heal? Did I suggest people don’t have thoughts, feelings and memories?
I DID say they don’t usually prioritise parents over their partners, fulfilling relationship or not. Most adults try to work at relationships especially if there’s a baby.

Because the man has said so! I am not guessing, I am using what the OP has said he told her which is that he is happiest elsewhere.