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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how the hell I can get out of this hen do?

196 replies

BossaNovaOnAllNight · 07/11/2025 20:18

...without disclosing my pregnancy early! I have been added to the hen do whatsapp of nightmares! Weekend in Marbella, deposit needed by Sunday and lots of passive aggressive messages about saying sooner rather than later if you can't come because it will make it more expensive for others. I am friends with the bride only as I'm her work friend and my due date is on the date smack bang in the middle of the weekend for her hen. I know missing it because I'm pregnant is totally fair enough but I don't know how to tell the chat, without telling the bride and this will cause me stress at work. I'm really not ready to tell everyone at work yet and wanted to wait until I'm further along... what would you all do? Make something up ( in which case the bride will probably be offended that I'm not coming as she isn't in the chat but will bring up her hen at work ), or tell a group of slightly aggy strangers before I even tell family? It feels wrong! Thanks in advance for any replies, I will be watching responses like a hawk!

OP posts:
FcukBreastCancer · 09/11/2025 11:02

Unmissable family event is true. I'd go with that

BCSurvivor · 09/11/2025 10:57

I'm really not sure why it is so difficult to just say no?

Bowies · 09/11/2025 10:52

waitam · 07/11/2025 20:29

My "regret" note (which is to anything hen/weekend/party related these days lol), is to say, Hi thanks so much for the invite, I won't be able to join you all due to a prior commitment that day/week/weekend. Hope you all have a lovely time and looking forward to seeing the pics."

No sorry, no deep dive explanation, just straight to the point and polite.

If anyone asks you for more info about your "prior commitment" you say, it's a private thing in the family or similar. No info. Nobody's business. I've never had a fallout yet and I turn down a lot of things.

Something like this OP is to the point as well as polite.

I would take out part about the prior commitment, keep it simple that you can’t make it, but add a line that “I will leave the chat for now” and exit the group.

Congratulations, hope all goes smoothly for you!

MyLilacBeaker · 09/11/2025 10:52

FuzzyWolf · 07/11/2025 20:31

“I’m really sorry I’ve got plans for that weekend that can’t be moved. I hope you all have a lovely time and I look forward to hearing all about it.” Then remove yourself from the group.

☝️ 100% this!!

beadystar · 09/11/2025 10:07

Sounds awful even if you weren’t pregnant! You don’t even know these people and the WhatsApp is already stressful. I agree with the rest. Say sorry you can’t make it that weekend, hope everyone has a great time and leave the group. Maybe take the bride out for dinner or something just the two of you.

Turnthelightoff · 09/11/2025 09:55

FuzzyWolf · 07/11/2025 20:31

“I’m really sorry I’ve got plans for that weekend that can’t be moved. I hope you all have a lovely time and I look forward to hearing all about it.” Then remove yourself from the group.

This is a perfect reply because it’s actually totally true! Major plans to have a baby! I agree to leaving the group but maybe add, you have my number in case a local night out hen do gets arranged too? That way you could go out for a meal maybe with the bride?

SleepingStandingUp · 09/11/2025 09:50

RampantIvy · 09/11/2025 07:33

No need to lie. Just that she can't make it.

I don't understand why anyone needs to make up elaborate lies.

Exactly. Just say you're busy. It isn't a drama. It's like OP expects everyone to interrogate her and veg her to come as opposed to just saying ok fine

RampantIvy · 09/11/2025 07:33

chunkyBoo · 09/11/2025 07:21

Your cousin is getting married that weekend

No need to lie. Just that she can't make it.

I don't understand why anyone needs to make up elaborate lies.

chunkyBoo · 09/11/2025 07:21

Your cousin is getting married that weekend

Kimura · 09/11/2025 05:18

You don't need to give a reason in a group chat full of strangers. Just politely decline.

If the bride asks you at work, you'll have to make something up if you're not ready to tell her. She'll understand when you eventually spill the beans and if she doesn't, she's not worth worrying about.

springy0c · 09/11/2025 03:35

If you say you can't make that particular weekend. Then they could change the date to accommodate you. A week before or after. Which leaves you with having to say you can make that weekend either. Better say no to the hen do for personal reasons

Horses7 · 08/11/2025 22:09

You’re already art a wedding - Sod’s Law it’s the same weekend 🤣

Goldenboxes · 08/11/2025 21:33

OP, "unfortunately I have a prior engagement that weekend, have a great time".

A work colleagues Hen is a ridiculous ask, even if you like her.

Needspaceforlego · 08/11/2025 21:25

BassBug · 08/11/2025 20:04

I'm sorry, I'm going to give this one a miss as I'm not feeling it being pregnant and everything that comes with it.

This is just the perspective of a 63 yo man with a live in daughter that was recently pregnant. You will be hormonal, tired and probably feel protective towards your baby. This is you and baby time, cherish it and move forward. I wish you every blessing!

The issue is she feels its too early to announce the pregnancy.

Some women are fine with everyone knowing, their good and bad news others would rather keep quiet incase it doesn't end well.

waitam · 08/11/2025 20:54

Weallgotcrowns · 08/11/2025 03:27

Bet people think you’re great fun! Will you care when the invites stop coming and you have nothing to politely decline?

I am great fun - at things I really WANT to attend! I just don't go to things I know are not going to be enjoyable for me. That's OK in my book anyway.

I bet if you scratched the surface there are far more invitees who groan when they see an invite on Whatsapp/in the post to a hen or a wedding of friends, especially if it's out of town.

I have a great extended family. I go to all their events/birthdays/weddings/ whatever it is. My brother is a musician and he brings along his fellow musos and we have an absolute ball. Anything else it's a no from me.

Pessismistic · 08/11/2025 20:42

Hey op just message back I can’t confirm right now so best you plan it without me I don’t want to let anyone down.

NJC7 · 08/11/2025 20:35

Genuinely baffled that you even need to make a post for advice about this, Is it really that difficult to say “no thank you” 🙄

BassBug · 08/11/2025 20:04

I'm sorry, I'm going to give this one a miss as I'm not feeling it being pregnant and everything that comes with it.

This is just the perspective of a 63 yo man with a live in daughter that was recently pregnant. You will be hormonal, tired and probably feel protective towards your baby. This is you and baby time, cherish it and move forward. I wish you every blessing!

Missingpop · 08/11/2025 19:53

Just say your terribly sorry but you already have long standing commitments that weekend that cannot be changed, but hope everyone has a wonderful weekend & you look forward to seeing the photos

Retiredfromearlyyears · 08/11/2025 19:42

I agree with the others who are saying. Dont tell lies! They always come home to roost! Just say sorry i cant come! Congratulations on your lovely news. Im sure its all going to be fine!!

FunMustard · 08/11/2025 19:39

You are waaaay overthinking this. She's your friend from work. Just say sorry, you can't go, clashes with <something else>

MerryUmberHedgehog · 08/11/2025 19:10

Say no. They might be annoyed but then the reason will become obvious and they will all understand and be insanely jealous.

OriginalUsername2 · 08/11/2025 19:02

I’d just say I haven’t got the budget for it (to my friend, not the aggy group of strangers).

On the chat I’d just say “Hi, I’ve let the bride know I can’t make it, unfortunately! I’ll remove myself from the chat xx” .

BeGutsyGoldMoose · 08/11/2025 18:48

Politely decline the invitation and leave the group chat. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you won't be going.

hobbcat · 08/11/2025 18:04

Congratulations! Don’t lie.
“Have a fantastic time unfortunately I am not available that weekend “ and leave the group.