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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

137 replies

Letshaveablackcelebration73 · 07/11/2025 17:49

DD 13 has been caught vaping in school. She has been using money that we give her as pocket money to buy vapes. She’s also been lying to us.

I lost my shit a bit- am so angry that she’s using money that DP and I work hard to earn and then using it to buy vapes and getting someone to buy them for her. What’s worse is that she was taking cash out in a cash machine so we couldn’t tell what she was using it for.

I really shouted at her- i probably didn’t handle it well at all but it’s the lying and using money we gave her for food and town with friends.

She’s hysterically crying and making me now feel bad for shouting. Urgh- I know it’s bad to shout but it’s just made me so cross. I just saw red.

Please give me some better strategies!

OP posts:
AmberSpy · 07/11/2025 18:11

It won't kill her to see an authentic reaction from you. Tbh my mum lost her shit at me occasionally during my childhood, and because it was so unusual that was always when I knew I'd really crossed the line.

WonderingWanda · 07/11/2025 18:09

Let her sit with it for a bit and don't let everyone one on here make you feel evil for shouting. Sometimes shouting as a one off response hammers home how serious it is. Obviously a different matter if you shout at your kids all day long. She's not crying because she's scared of you, she's just feeling sorry for herself for getting caught. If youd opted for some wanky gentle parenting then she will just feel she's got away with it and be emboldened. Now you've calmed down a bit put some consequences in place such as addional chores to pay you back and then show her some research on just how bad vaping and smoking are for her.

Pottersciderbar82 · 07/11/2025 18:01

Also agree that it’s a bloody good lesson to experience you going mad.
She has crossed more than one line and there are consequences.
She will see that this has made you emotionally react, if she has a conscience she will be feeling guilty for behaving so bloody terribly.
Its not like you lose your shit daily is it?

Nce calmer, what’s your plan?

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration73 · 07/11/2025 17:57

Theunamedcat · 07/11/2025 17:56

Yeah i walked away from ds last night he drove me mad to the point i walked away and had to breathe deep before going back in

This isn’t an excuse but it’s also day 1 of my period so am not feeling very reasonable. Urgh.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 07/11/2025 17:56

Yeah i walked away from ds last night he drove me mad to the point i walked away and had to breathe deep before going back in

CoffeeLipstickKeys · 07/11/2025 17:55

Adolescents experiment with vapes. It’s kind of inevitable. I don’t think it merits losing your shit. Have a calm.open conversation. No shouting. No ultimatum. I think this isn’t worth too much agg. It’s an inevitable teen dalliance

ResusciAnnie · 07/11/2025 17:55

Remember though that her hysterically crying is a natural consequence of her actions. It’s not a bad thing!

Original poster
Letshaveablackcelebration73 · 07/11/2025 17:55

TomatoSandwiches · 07/11/2025 17:53

Shouting doesn't do anything to help, you know that, so next time you feel so angry remove yourself and tell her you need to think about this because you feel so disappointed and her behaviour has upset you too much to think properly.

I know. I handled it so badly. I just saw red as the whole thing made me furious.

I am letting us both calm down and will speak to her again.

OP posts:
NewInks · 07/11/2025 17:55

Yes, you are right to pull her up on it, but "losing your shit" is not productive.

ResusciAnnie · 07/11/2025 17:54

YANBU vaping is absolutely unacceptable - I’d rather my kid smoked cigarettes in all honesty. I’d be livid! And I can’t remember a time I’ve been livid before as a parent…

tryingtobesogood · 07/11/2025 17:54

She's crying because she got caught doing something she knows is wrong. You are right to be angry, vaping is awful and so bad for their health at this age.

She is learning that nice reasonable mum has a breaking point

TomatoSandwiches · 07/11/2025 17:53

Shouting doesn't do anything to help, you know that, so next time you feel so angry remove yourself and tell her you need to think about this because you feel so disappointed and her behaviour has upset you too much to think properly.