To have lost my shit with my 13 year old DD

People sometimes lose their shit and you had good reason to.

A measured chat about the evils of vaping, may not have had quite the same impact.

Calling things ‘chavvy’ is soooo much better parenting than shouting as a one off. Definitely, well done.

Posting on AIBU about losing your shit is never going to make you feel better, because so many posters will pile in saying you are an awful person for shouting.
For what it's worth, I don't think it does any harm for our dc to see that there's a line that they don't cross and that you are human.
When things have calmed down, apologise for shouting, explain why you are so angry, put sanctions in place and find a way forward.

Also in certain groups they all vape. When dd2 stopped she said she was the weird odd one out and said “it’s like if you gave up coffee or wine with your friends mum”

Do you know who has been buying them for her? I’d be worried about who she is associating with. I know it sounds dramatic but it often starts with low level behaviour and then escalates to alcohol, drugs etc if they can get access.

I also wouldn’t apologise for the shouting or rush to make her feel better. Let her feel the consequences and feel too scared to do it again! Oh and make sure she has real consequences. A stop to pocket money. Reducing her freedom outside of school. Honestly coming down hard now will be worth it longer term.

Chavvy?
So one of the things you're most upset about is that she looked too working class? 🙄

I don't think it hurts children to know that their parents are human too. People do lose their shit sometimes. She's learned a lesson that you can't always push and push that button. And this was about something that will affect her health, so very important.

Honestly do not beat yourself up.
Losing your shit about something that it
Harmful
Illegal
Deceitful
shows said teen that you really mean it about things that are important.
Now you have done so, work out the consequences, stick to it and never mention it again.

I dont think it is bad she saw you lose your shit. She needs to see how serious this is. It is not healthy to shield children from anger completely - better to show her how you handle it as an adult, even when it is very very strong.

I think that shouting in this situation is fine actually. She's used your money to put her health at risk and been caught and is going to use your reaction to try and change the narrative. There now needs to be a calm conversation, but you know that. Don't apologise!

You handled it badly but it’s done now.

When we found them Dd was 14 and by luck was away on a sleepover. We had an evening with a group of older and wiser parents of teens who put it into perspective. We would have gone in shouting and yelling like you (and our parents would have) but after talking to them we didn’t.

We sat her down said it was really rubbish thing to do unhealthy stupid and chavvy. We said we were disappointed as we gave her money and freedom and this what she did. She agreed felt bad and apologised. She stopped vaping (evidenced by other parents and dd1). Then when a really bad thing happened she was able to come to us as we hadn’t trashed the relationship by being too authoritarian.

Honestly you are entirely right. Of course you should shout at her. She’s done something illegal, bad for her health and bloody well lied about it!!
All of these people saying “calm down, apologise to her, shouting is bad” are the people who defend their arsehole children when they’re terrorising the town!

It is an excuse!! Dont beat yourself up we all lose it from time to time its good that you are reflecting plus she may not do it again now! ✌

I think it’s totally fine to shout at her. Sometimes teens need a bit of a shock. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

I think you're a human being and you are angry. I think that's ok as long as you calm down, tell her you wish you hadn't lost your temper, talk it through afterwards. Obviously losing one's temper to the extent that you're violent is a total red line but you didn't do that did you, you shouted. Perfectly human reaction. You can now model calming down and putting things right (and certainly have her attention if nothing else).

Generally speaking shouting over every mistake isn’t a good thing but I don’t think it’s that bad on this occasion for all the reasons you’ve already stated. I’d be pissed too and the shock of your reaction might just hit home.

I spectacularly lost it with DS as an older teen when I found out he had driven his car after a few pints at the pub. He usual leaves it and gets an uber home, He was quite shaken by my reaction but has never even taken his car to the pub since, which frankly makes my reaction worth it. Once I’d calmed down we talked about it properly and I always offer him a lift to the pub if I’m around.

I think your anger and shouting was a perfect response to the seriousness of the situation, assuming you never usually react this way. It will make her see that her actions were so very worrying to you, hence your emotional reaction. Allow some time for you to calm down and then plan what happens next. Is she addicted? Does she need help to stop vaping? Why did she try it in the first place? How can she avoid making other mistakes in the future? What consequence will there be for her poor choice from you? Once you are calm and have decided what happens next, talk to her calmly.

OP give yourself a break. We all know shouting isn’t ideal but you’re human. It’s normal to get angry sometimes. The fact she’s upset is cos she’s shocked by your reaction which means it’s unusual for you to behave that way. Sometimes a shock is good to get them thinking. Just follow up when you’re calm to hammer home the points about health and lying

Sometimes shouting is completely justified.

She's been lying, scheming and vaping. Of course you lost your shit.

Apologise for the way you reacted

Would that be before or after the DD apologises for her actions?

Shouting as you know doesn't work however you aren't unreasonable to loose your shit at her.
I'd be stopping all pocket money for the foreseeable as she cannot be trusted to use it appropriately.
She needs to earn your trust back.

That being said, I'd try and approach her now in a calmer manner to explain you love her but you're so upset for all the obvious reasons and set out the consequences of her behaviour which she needs to suck up and end it with a reminder that you love her and a hug.

I'd be shouting too tbh as would many many parents.

You've only shouted at her ! My ds at that age would be grounded and no longer in receipt of pocket money.

Hopefully the stupid child will now think twice before wasting money on such rubbish

I'd have lost my shit too. I think sometimes they have to see and hear that they have pushed you to your limit. You did nothing wrong, you were in the right to take a hardline approach.

Don't beat yourself up.

Apologise for the way you reacted, but reiterate her choices are not acceptable.

My suggestions would be to not give her money directly for a while. She can take a packed lunch or go hungry.

Its upsetting when your child does something like this, I know, but don't get emotionally wrapped up in it. I eventually learned to take a step back and keep my emotions out of it, it made for more reasoned reactions and consequences.